Discussion in 'Welcome' started by foreveryoung, Feb 5, 2011.

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  1. foreveryoung

    foreveryoung Member

    I'm an 18 year old female & I've been suffering with depression for the past 2 years. I've been quite unhappy throughout most of my teen years but it started to get bad around early 2009. I gradually became seriously obsessed with my complexion and appearance. I'd stare in the mirror on a daily basis & just cry. I'd search plastic surgery on google & I'd constantly email cosmetic surgeons across the UK. I was looking for reassurance that one day I could have succesful plastic surgery and finally live again. I remember saving £600 up towards cosmetic surgery but I ended up spending it on crap which I was so annoyed about at the time. There were times when I felt really hopeful that I'd have succesful surgery & other times I felt like nothing would ever really change and that I would always be ugly. This was a tough time. I remember the summer of 2009 being very, very miserable. I'd be on the bus on my way to meet up with friends for a laugh but tears would fill my eyes because I felt like the ugliest person in the world & I couldn't see a way out. I couldn't see myself being happy again. I didn't talk to anyone about this but when my mum found me crying in my room, she asked me what was wrong. I told her about how unhappy I was & that I would be seeing a plastic surgeon in the near future. She told me that I didn't need surgery but said I could do whatever I wanted. I think she thought I was slightly crazy as she suggested I take time off college and see a doctor. I told her not to worry & that I'd be fine. Since then, I've spoken to no one of my problems. At the moment, I'm not half as obsessive about my appearance as I was back then & I am glad I didn't have surgery. I'm still not happy with my appearance at all and I have to admit it still stops me from living life to the fullest but I don't worry about it like I did then. Around that time, I also started to wonder why I constantly felt anxious around other people. Even family members. I had felt like this for a few years. I had an intense fear of people judging me. Public speaking, keeping a conversation going, voicing my opinion, going to parties... I'd avoid all of that & I still do. I don't feel comfortable in these situations at all. I felt like the only person in the world who felt like this & I remember finding something about social anxiety on Google and suddenly, everything made sense.
    I started thinking about suicide in September 2009. I would think about the pro's and con's and dream of all the different ways to die. I would constantly listen to certain musicians & get carried away with the romantic image of an early death. I still do this now, actually... all of the time. Things started to look up in November 2009 when I met a girl & I really, really liked her but I pushed her away and she got fed up... rightly so. Early 2010, I started feeling depressed and suicide was on my mind once again. At this point, my plan was to go to San Fransisco after my parents die xxxxxxxx. I would watch "The Bridge" documentary over & over and it became an obsession of mine. Music is a big part of my life & I only really listen to music that I can relate to. I first heard Joy Division in March 2010 & they're now my favourite band. Their lead singer commited suicide at the age of 23 & he's my hero. I want to be like him. I'm going to visit his resting place & the house he died in this year. 2010 was pretty boring. I had some good moments & I cherished the hours of happiness even though I knew they wouldn't last. I thought about suicide on a daily basis every day of the year. I knew I wouldn't do it if someone xxxx, but still, I couldn't help thinking about it and ways to die in the future.
    I haven't mentioned it yet but I'm a lesbian. Yep, I like girls. I've known this since I was about 12 & I only told one person that I personally know & that's the girl I met/pushed away in November 2009. The reason I haven't told anyone is because 1) My dad and his side of the family are extremely homophobic & 2) I am worried about how people will react when I tell them. Basically I'm terrified of how my loved ones will react. I met this guy 5 months ago & we got on really well from the first time we spoke. He's such a lovely guy & I trust him more than anyone. He started texting me alot in November 2010 & I felt excited every time he text me. I actually thought I may be bisexual because I'd never felt this way about a guy. When he asked me out, I said yes because I honestly did think he would make me happy. I'd felt so alone for years & there was finally someone I could talk to. Also, all of the people who questioned my sexuality wouldn't need to anymore because I was with a guy. Not long after he asked me out, it started to feel wrong. I felt nothing when he kissed me... I realised I had made a terrible, selfish & pathetic mistake. I thought I liked him but it was all false hope. I'm a lesbian & I can't change. I said to him once "I need some time to myself" (I was about to explain that we should just be friends) & he suddenly said to me "If we ever stopped talking I'd kill myself..." ... what are you supposed to do when someone says that to you? We're still together. He tells me that he's never been so happy & that he wants to spend his life with me. I always have pathetic excuses as to why we can't hang out. I told him we can't hang out tonight because I have no money. He replied saying he will give me £30 & then wrote a poem for me... I feel so horrible, miserable & selfish. I can't believe I'm doing this to a human being with feelings & I'm not sure how I can cope with it for much longer. If I tell him the truth he could do something self destruct and the thought of hurting him kills me. I need to break it off but I'm finding it hard to find the right time. So yeah, I'm very unhappy at the moment, mainly because I know I'm being so selfish & I'm not really sure what to do. Still thinking about suicide on a daily basis but would never commit the act when my parents are still alive. If you read this I salute you ha ha, I talk so much ****. Hope you're all keeping well.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2011
  2. foreveryoung

    foreveryoung Member

    By the way... does anyone have any idea as to what's going on in my head? Are these feelings at all normal for someone of my age? What could be wrong with me? I hope I can happily look back at this in a few years time wondering why on earth I ever felt like this.
  3. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Joy division, i remember them well, became New Order after if i remember, cutting edge when i was younger.
    Well, you have to be honest with yourself and others.
    Sometimes true love is letting go and im afraid your boyfriend is going to have to do this, even if it hurts him so much.
    There can be many causes for depression and suicidal feelings, from mental illness to loss and bad experiences in the past.
    One thing is for sure, forgiveness of yourself and others is a key.
    I am Brighton born and met many young people who came to my home town from fear of their own sexuality and their loved ones views on it.
    You are no longer alone here, many share your feelings, many will be able to relate to you.
    Post a little more maybe, read some too, sometimes the answers are there, but only if we ask the right questions.
    By looking at others, how they have coped or indeed failed can really help.
    Look inside yourself,like yourself for who you are, be kind to others, try to become the person you truely wish to be, you can do no more.
    Please pm me if you want to talk, my ears are always open.
    Regards Pete
  4. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Hi there and welcome to SF.

    Your sexuality has absolutely no bearing on you as a person. Sadly, I know that there are always going to be idiots who make stupid judgements but that just shows them up to be ill informed, knuckle dragging f*** wits.

    First thing is, you need to go see your GP and talk about getting some real help. Having to live this way is hard enough, but to do it without help? Damn girl!

    Secondly, sweetie you have to tell this guy. He is using emotional blackmail as a way to frighten you into staying with him. That's not fair. You can't live your life based in a lie of a relationship. He has to know that what he is doing is wrong. Deep down he's going to know you aren't happy, and he's panicking and saying things to make you stay as I said. That's not living.

    Please reach out for some help. Have you heard of M.I.N.D? They are an amazing organisation.

    Keep talking to us. You have to work through how you feel and here is a good place to do it. :hug:
  5. bornslippy

    bornslippy Member

    As a Manc Ian Curtis is a legend and it's nice to know I'm not the only one on SF with good taste in music :wink:.

    You need to ditch your BF if he said he would top himself if you left him and didn't really mean it, he's putting himself before you, which is a touch selfish !

    As for being a lesbian well, when you come to manchester on your Ian curtis worship tour (time well spent if you ask me) you can go for a night out in the gay village and have some fun lol

    I hope time spent on here will help you. Kind regards Bornslippy
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You need to tell him you don't feel the same way.. Tell him we should just be friends..If it comes to it tell him your gay.. He'll just have to live with that..Don't let him emotionally blackmail you.. Just be honest..
  7. foreveryoung

    foreveryoung Member

    Thanks for the help everyone ^_^ I spoke to my ex a month or two ago and although it was really hard, we've remained friends and I feel like a huuuge weight has been lifted off my shoulders...
  8. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    thats good. And I never welcomed you soooo... Welcome to SF.
  9. kayte23

    kayte23 Member

    You should see the movie Control if you like joy division. focuses much on ian curtis... and how depressed he got when he found out he was epileptic and his health was failing bc of it. doctors couldnt treat it that well, his marriage was failing because he cheated on his wife... a bit depressing, but still an emotional and moving film.

    I'm glad things worked out with your ex, and I hope you are better able to deal with your depression now that you don't have to worry about his "emotional blackmail".

    As for the surgery, I must say that I'm proud you were able to resist it. during high school I blamed much of my depressed behavior on the fact that I was so insecure of my appearance- and once i changed it, i'd become more outgoing, get friends, and lose the depression. Needless to say, once i got the surgery, i realized it was my introverted personality that had the problem. You don't have to change your physical appearance, it really only is the inside that counts.

    Alas, I hope you've changed your mind about suicide, and that whatever sexuality you are, that you accept who you are and ignore anything negative people have to say about it. It's none of their business.
  10. foreveryoung

    foreveryoung Member

    god, that's really embarrassing to look back on haha! if only i could delete it :p
  11. Whispers

    Whispers Banned Member

    Nothing to be emberrassed about. I look at is as you being strong in a dark time and having the courage to stand up and ask for help.
  12. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Use it to see how far you have come since then. :) It is good to see you again. :)
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