I'm an 18 year old female & I've been suffering with depression for the past 2 years. I've been quite unhappy throughout most of my teen years but it started to get bad around early 2009. I gradually became seriously obsessed with my complexion and appearance. I'd stare in the mirror on a daily basis & just cry. I'd search plastic surgery on google & I'd constantly email cosmetic surgeons across the UK. I was looking for reassurance that one day I could have succesful plastic surgery and finally live again. I remember saving £600 up towards cosmetic surgery but I ended up spending it on crap which I was so annoyed about at the time. There were times when I felt really hopeful that I'd have succesful surgery & other times I felt like nothing would ever really change and that I would always be ugly. This was a tough time. I remember the summer of 2009 being very, very miserable. I'd be on the bus on my way to meet up with friends for a laugh but tears would fill my eyes because I felt like the ugliest person in the world & I couldn't see a way out. I couldn't see myself being happy again. I didn't talk to anyone about this but when my mum found me crying in my room, she asked me what was wrong. I told her about how unhappy I was & that I would be seeing a plastic surgeon in the near future. She told me that I didn't need surgery but said I could do whatever I wanted. I think she thought I was slightly crazy as she suggested I take time off college and see a doctor. I told her not to worry & that I'd be fine. Since then, I've spoken to no one of my problems. At the moment, I'm not half as obsessive about my appearance as I was back then & I am glad I didn't have surgery. I'm still not happy with my appearance at all and I have to admit it still stops me from living life to the fullest but I don't worry about it like I did then. Around that time, I also started to wonder why I constantly felt anxious around other people. Even family members. I had felt like this for a few years. I had an intense fear of people judging me. Public speaking, keeping a conversation going, voicing my opinion, going to parties... I'd avoid all of that & I still do. I don't feel comfortable in these situations at all. I felt like the only person in the world who felt like this & I remember finding something about social anxiety on Google and suddenly, everything made sense. I started thinking about suicide in September 2009. I would think about the pro's and con's and dream of all the different ways to die. I would constantly listen to certain musicians & get carried away with the romantic image of an early death. I still do this now, actually... all of the time. Things started to look up in November 2009 when I met a girl & I really, really liked her but I pushed her away and she got fed up... rightly so. Early 2010, I started feeling depressed and suicide was on my mind once again. At this point, my plan was to go to San Fransisco after my parents die xxxxxxxx. I would watch "The Bridge" documentary over & over and it became an obsession of mine. Music is a big part of my life & I only really listen to music that I can relate to. I first heard Joy Division in March 2010 & they're now my favourite band. Their lead singer commited suicide at the age of 23 & he's my hero. I want to be like him. I'm going to visit his resting place & the house he died in this year. 2010 was pretty boring. I had some good moments & I cherished the hours of happiness even though I knew they wouldn't last. I thought about suicide on a daily basis every day of the year. I knew I wouldn't do it if someone xxxx, but still, I couldn't help thinking about it and ways to die in the future. I haven't mentioned it yet but I'm a lesbian. Yep, I like girls. I've known this since I was about 12 & I only told one person that I personally know & that's the girl I met/pushed away in November 2009. The reason I haven't told anyone is because 1) My dad and his side of the family are extremely homophobic & 2) I am worried about how people will react when I tell them. Basically I'm terrified of how my loved ones will react. I met this guy 5 months ago & we got on really well from the first time we spoke. He's such a lovely guy & I trust him more than anyone. He started texting me alot in November 2010 & I felt excited every time he text me. I actually thought I may be bisexual because I'd never felt this way about a guy. When he asked me out, I said yes because I honestly did think he would make me happy. I'd felt so alone for years & there was finally someone I could talk to. Also, all of the people who questioned my sexuality wouldn't need to anymore because I was with a guy. Not long after he asked me out, it started to feel wrong. I felt nothing when he kissed me... I realised I had made a terrible, selfish & pathetic mistake. I thought I liked him but it was all false hope. I'm a lesbian & I can't change. I said to him once "I need some time to myself" (I was about to explain that we should just be friends) & he suddenly said to me "If we ever stopped talking I'd kill myself..." ... what are you supposed to do when someone says that to you? We're still together. He tells me that he's never been so happy & that he wants to spend his life with me. I always have pathetic excuses as to why we can't hang out. I told him we can't hang out tonight because I have no money. He replied saying he will give me £30 & then wrote a poem for me... I feel so horrible, miserable & selfish. I can't believe I'm doing this to a human being with feelings & I'm not sure how I can cope with it for much longer. If I tell him the truth he could do something self destruct and the thought of hurting him kills me. I need to break it off but I'm finding it hard to find the right time. So yeah, I'm very unhappy at the moment, mainly because I know I'm being so selfish & I'm not really sure what to do. Still thinking about suicide on a daily basis but would never commit the act when my parents are still alive. If you read this I salute you ha ha, I talk so much ****. Hope you're all keeping well.