Good evening to all and thanks for reading my introduction. I've never been very active on forums and will probably become a lurker like I am/was on any other forums. However, I felt the need to join something like this in case I ever finally hit rock bottom and am in desperate need of a conversation (this goes both ways; even though I don't know any of you, if anyone else feels like talking to someone outside their social circle, I will gladly listen and offer my help in any way I can). I feel like I'm going there faster than ever. I've always had a "dark side", but lately it has resulted more and more into something deeper, and I'm afraid that this is something I will never get completely rid off. I always figured my depressed feelings had to do with growing up and going through puberty and that it would fade as I grew older, but it never has. In fact, it's only gotten worse ever since. Last couple of years I've been thinking about suicide. Not really contemplating it, but just thinking about it. How I would do it, when I would do it, what effect it would have on others and so on. I've also come to the realisation that I actually want to die. Rather by natural causes than suicide though, I don't think I would ever grow the balls to end my life myself. But the fact that I would gladly welcome a terminal disease or a fatal accident scares me more than dying itself. Thus why I joined these forums in hopes to find other peoples stories and maybe find comfort in it and try to slap myself back into reality that life isn't all that bad.