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intrusive suicidal thoughts depression and numbness again

neutralbuoyancy

stuck in place yet again
#1
im having 3 voices in my head right now one is telling me all these mental constraints i have are just holding me back second one is saying i want to die in my sleeo right now desperatly i want to take a leap of faith and let some existence take me away i dont care if i go to to hells please dont let me wake up tmrw in the morning i cant to do this anymore third is wait am i really allowed to this? is it really okay to leave everything behind? can i please please leave everything behind please?

i dont rlly think i can give life another shot not saying im going to pass but please please every otherworldy being please dont let me wake up in the morning

i was going to ask which voice to listen to but i already know all the combination of all is one i will rely upon i will possibly wake up in the morning still going to the stressful class i wish to avoid even if it means death still going to have the things dragging me down from leaving me life and still be left with the hope of an early death um so also kind of wish to share with you guys a couple nights ago: so um to first a bit of background i have high risk of gettin diabetes + high level of acide reflex which in my case where i have air bubble stuck in my chest which can come out in form of burps still leaving more air bubbles stuck in my chest giving me pain and hard to breathe. any how what happened was similar to my previous acid reflex attack symptoms at work hyperventilating air bubbles stuck in chest crying

so um at night i had a fight with my mom and also yelled at my sister in anger and slept on my bed now at this point i was lying on my bed thinking about the argument and crying with numbness spreading all over my body and air bubbles came back with dry throat so i drank water and came back to bed but then i got worse. i felt really warm and then i slowly couldnt breathe and i could barely make out words even though i was trying to speak and every time i tried tears came out with it and i finally got up around 10 -15 mins of that when i felt like i needed to vomit i tried spitting it out which only got worse it felt like there was something stuck in my throat and a gas bubble there so nothing was coming out of my throat and i couldnt swallow it back down i went bck to my sister to pat my back till the vomitting feeling came bck then i was vomitting for another 30 mins only to spit out a tiny piece of burrito well my point here is i honestly thought i was going to die at that time but it seems i still had will to live then well this recollection is irrelevant
 

neutralbuoyancy

stuck in place yet again
#3
Lots of people wouldn't want you to die. I think you can enjoy life more eventually.
thanks for that but at this point it really isnt about who to live for , for me any more it just feels like can't stand my own thoughts or my own brain its killing me from the inside i just want to get away from all of this far far far far away
 

ShyGuy

Well-Known Member
#4
Maybe try to focus a lot on something completely new, like a project or something to help get your mind off of those things a bit
 

neutralbuoyancy

stuck in place yet again
#5
i tried for a bit, but i think im running out any mental capacity to cope with new things as anything even relatively new is turning my brain into numb mode like it is right now i cant think past anything that im reading in words in front of me even thing i ' ve been doing for well over 5 years i cannot seem to suddenly remember how to do them even if i look up how to do it + idk how much longer i can deal with my own intrusive thoughts i just want it all to end i feel like ive holding myself far too long and now is truly the best time for it all to end
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#6
idk how much longer i can deal with my own intrusive thoughts
You could try just watching your thoughts and noticing how they come and go. This in itself slows down the thoughts, enough for you to notice there is a space between every thought, an empty space from which every thought arises and then disappears into. It's this empty space which is peace and having noticed it, you should direct your attention to it, and then try to stay in it longer between thoughts. When thoughts come, just go back to that silent empty space. Don't get bored with peace, but dive deeper into it.
 

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