intrusive thoughts

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Tai, Feb 25, 2018.

  1. Tai

    Tai Member

    I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right thread so my apologies if it isn't

    This wasn't rape because there was no sexual penetration involved but I don't know what to call it, sexual assault maybe?

    This happened around 3 months ago and I still get intrusive thoughts about it when I'm not even trying to think about it. It just comes out of nowhere, sometimes I feel like I'm already over it but then I get those intrusive memories again. I guess I just feel like I should be over it by now

    So what happened was: I'm out on a college night, having a lot of fun, and hitting the bars, so I'm obviously very drunk at the end of the day. My friend drops me off at my apartment and I decide to go over to my neighbor's place because they were having a party for the night too. Let's just call my neighbor, John Doe. I've known him for a year and I consider us as good friends. And the reason why I would go to any one's house when I'm absolutely wasted is because I deem them trustworthy enough to do so. I'm looking to have a good time at my friend's party and if things go bad, I trust that John would get me back home, my place is practically 10 seconds away.

    The next thing I know I wake up with him on top of me, I'm not sure how specific I'm allowed to be but to be safe, let's just say he was doing sexual stuff to me. (Fortunately my clothes were still on, his shirt was just off) I didn't even understand what was going on. I came back into consciousness so confused and scared because I couldn't even register what was happening. I have never experienced sexual contact to the extent of what he was doing to me. I just preferred to not engage in certain sexual physical actions until I find some one I actually like and trust. And if I wanted to I would want to be able to give consent to it??

    So anyway, while he was doing w.e he was doing, it took me a while to even figure out what was actually happening and where I was.
    My initial thoughts were just, "Oh my god is this my fault did I agree to this, did I let this happen, did I do this to myself, where am I"
    And I was just trying to look around and when I finally realized that I was in my own room I got so scared because I don't even know what happened in between me walking into John's place and then ending up in my own bed!!

    I couldn't even do anything cause I was so drunk. I was mumbling and I guess he took that as an indication to (Idk how to explain this w.o being TMI) go harder? I was so frustrated because that's obviously NOT what I wanted. I ended up being able to say something and all I remember was him saying "Oh shit" ... as if he was trying to feign ignorance. Like the way he said it was, "Oh shit, Idk what I'm doing either"

    I just thought that was so stupid. So anyway I knock out again. And then I wake up again to him making another attempt but like touching me and kissing me.
    How are you going to say, "Oh shit" and then try again a few moments later??
    I'm basically slipping in and out of consciousness at this moment, I'm too drunk to actually do anything so I just do my best to fall back asleep.

    Later in the early morning when we are both awake and coherent I ask him all these questions, "How did we get here, what happened, how did you get here" etc etc. He just said something along these lines "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I fuck shit up every time I'm here. I was so drunk last night, I'm still drunk right now"

    So basically I know nothing of what has happened. I tried asking people at the party but every one was too messed up to even remember anything. I have done my best to retrace all my steps and talked to all my friends who were with me. I don't know whether I had more drinks at John's party or not, I don't know anything. It frustrates me because I've never blacked out that hard before.

    When I've had a lot to drink, and when I forget chunks and fragments of what has happened, I at least have an idea of what I was doing?? And if I'm super super intoxicated I just would not have the physical coordination to do anything at all. I felt like I was a corpse on the bed. Like how can John be so supposedly drunk and still have the physical coordination to do the things he did.
    That morning I didn't want to believe a friend of mine that I trusted would take advantage of me like that, so I treated it like it was humorous, laughed it off, I was being nice. When he kept apologizing I replied with "Oh it's okay it's okay"

    Anyway I thought it was fine until I started getting agitated, randomly angry, sad, irritated, etc. It kept replaying in my head when I don't want it to. It makes me want to rip my skin off. But I've talked to all my friends that I trust, it's gotten better, still bothers me enough to write this terribly long post.
    John has already apologized. Him feeling bad about it wouldn't make me feel any better. I'm trying to forgive. I don't think it's necessary to confront him, but if it so happens then I'll handle it then. I just want the intrusive thoughts to stop. If you guys have any techniques, meditation tips, and what not to deal with such things, I would love to hear it.

    Also, I'm very lucky to have supportive friends that I trust with my life but this is honestly a tough topic to talk about still. They already know what happened. And if I were to vent to them every time I get intrusive thoughts, which is practically everyday, there's not much to say about it really. It's difficult to bring up this topic cause I don't want to put them in a situation where they don't know what to say any more. But it's okay because I know they care a great deal about me.

    I haven't gathered the courage to speak to a counselor. I think I just might be scared to do so. I'm hoping that by posting this I'll feel better about this whole thing. I'm so sorry this is so long but thank you so much for giving me your time
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    The fact that you blacked out for a lot of the time is probably a big part of why it's so disturbing. That and the fact that no one else at the party can tell you about all of the events.
  3. sassy123

    sassy123 Chat Pro SF Supporter

    Hugs I would not trust him if I was you. Please keep on taking get it all out we are here for you. I hope things get better for you talking about things does help. I feel for you it sounds like a scary experience hugs stay safe.
  4. Tai

    Tai Member

    @may71 @sassy123
    Thank you guys for the support I really appreciate it
    I vented to my friend about it again and she encouraged me to speak to my counselor about it to address my reoccurring flashbacks
    I do admit I am nervous to do so. I never knew how nerve-wracking it is to talk about these kinds of things until it actually happened.
    I do feel somewhat jumbled in how I feel about the whole situation.

    During the first week or so of when it happened, I was in complete denial because I refused to believe that a friend I trusted could do something like that. I started making excuses for him. But now I know I shouldn't be doing that.
    I'm trying to enjoy my last year in college and I want to go out, hang out, and party with my friends.
    But as of late I've been isolating myself because idk I've been scared and paranoid. Just not sure who to trust because I feel like I can't predict what they could do when I genuinely trust them.
    I guess I'll eventually try to tone down my paranoia to cautiousness instead.
    But on the side note I'm totally fine and comfortable with all my girl friends and making and meeting new girl friends and what not.
    I'm trying to not let this get to me, sometimes I wish I could just get over it in a second.
    But I'll do my best to be patient with it
    Thank you again for giving me your time! Letting it out does feel better
    may71 likes this.
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    You're welcome! :)
  6. sassy123

    sassy123 Chat Pro SF Supporter

    Hugs give yourself time stay safe with you girlfriends and hopefully soon you will be able to trust male friends also but yeah it’s always still good to protect yourself hugs