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They watch and listen to everything.
No one could deal with this.none of the neighbours speak to me.they turn up the tv here so I cant talk.nobody asks me anything about myself but they listen to all my phonecalls.
I cant believe they let me back in this house after the abuse.
No one has helped me.theres no good saying im old enough to move out myself.not one person has been on my side.ive been going it alone all my life.
I have no friends.none.its not right.
My family are scum.i couldnt even get my letter off him this morning.he tries to read through the envelopes.i hope they die screaming.fcking scum.
My neice whos only 16 had the nerve to question what meds im on and asked me did I cut myself ? Im still shocked over that.how is that her business


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Hey starryeyed - sorry to see you this down on yourself and its horrible if other people are making you feel this bad.

I just wish everyone had someone to talk to when they are feeling like this - I take it your on your own dealing with this? Or it feels that way.

Your not alone though - your just suffering from the downside of the human mind and the 'tricks' it plays on us. Events can cause this - or events can trigger things. It is important for you that the people you are with are treating you kindly but understand that this is very difficult for families to grasp.

My nieces and nephews - when young - they can SEE when you are down. No adult would 'spot' how you are feeling - well a rare few - but children, aged 5 or so - they can see through the mask!

Your 16 yr old niece, maybe she was just concerned - maybe she is asking you because she is afraid herself. Sure - she might just be nosy - in which case it is not her business! Not unless you really trust her and want her to know your business.

Thing is we become very AWARE of being depressed and very worried about being 'exposed'. This can spiral if we allow it - its easy to beat yourself up over the illness.

This is not your fault. Some people step on a nail get gangrene and lose a leg. I'd prefer that! People would see and accept the difference - and depression is just 'different' - its a ticket into a club nobody wants to be in - and sometimes it seems like life, history, biography and enemies gang upon you.

It is not life getting back you!

Its just an illness - one which the 'experts' are heading towards cures, respite and eventually we will all be happy.

In our lives we will see this.

Also - I don't care how 'messed up' anyone might be. People here have to accept that they are accepted here!

The worse thing about depression - maybe its the shame?

And that is so very very wrong!!

Cry if you want - not out of shame - but for the injustice you have been through. As a human being - you deserve respect. Whoever does NOT respect you - is, as you say SCUM.

BUT - please be careful your depression does not push loved ones away. Everyone needs one person they can talk to - you got to share what you feel - then it is not as bad. Its better than ruminating. We cannot cheer ourselves up sometimes. We turn small flaws into mountains. We cannot move forward when we carry the past hurt around in our heads.

Better out than in - right?

My best wishes and prayers head your way.

Here's a little song.....

They gave me lots of rest
And endless Roche tests
and I keep telling them that they are out to get me
They ask me if I feel remorse
And I answer "why of course"
"I could have killed another fifty if you'd let me"

Now its Elavil and Prozac
But everything is groovy!

(adapted from the Curse of Millhaven)
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