Invasive Thoughts

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Battlecry

Mad as a sack of ferrets!
#1
Well this isn't fun. It goes without saying that I think about self harm and suicide. Alot. Daily. For twenty years. Yep - that'll make anyone depressed.

But lately I've been getting the most invasive/intrusive thoughts in my head. For obvious reasons I can't go into detail, but they are basically mental images of exceptionally graphic, violent acts toward myself. They don't really fall under the notion of self harm or suicide because:

a) It's more than self harm. It'd be really bloody painful. And actually just downright bloody. Which would totally ruin my cream carpets, so it's simply not an option.
b) While some imagined acts would undoubtably result in death, there 'aint no way I'd go about it that way. Not sure anyone would. Again, agonisingly painful, terrifying and likely to ruin the magnolia walls as well as the cream carpets!

So there is no doubt in my mind that I would ever act upon these thoughts. That'd be absurd. And messy. And redecorating would cost a fortune. But to say these are most unwelcome is like suggesting WWII was a minor playground scuffle!

It's one thing for this shit to fly through your head when you have nothing else to think about. But when your brain is very much engaged in other stuff, it really sucks to be honest. There I am sitting in a really enjoyable training event, trying to focus upon what's being said and participate fully, while all I can see if these awful images in my head. It's so distracting. Or as I participate in a business meeting, engrossed in important issues, or in a bar chatting with friends, or totally absorbed in a fantastic movie. I should be able to focus my attention entirely and not have to contend with this nonsense.

I've had many a dark thought, but this is somewhat new to me and I'm not having fun. Kinda hoping it may be in part due to the changeover between meds, which remains a work in progress. Anyone else experience this?
 

lifetalkz

Well-Known Member
#2
Yes-I have had experience with what you are referring to. It was many years ago but I remember that time in my life vividly (for obvious reasons). Who could ever forget a time in their life when all they could think about was graphic horrible events that might (or might not) happen. I ended up seeing a Jungian analyst and I was told that my thoughts were a metaphor-as such they were not to be taken literally. I did not really want to do those things I thought about, I didn't really want to hurt myself violently. I wanted life as I lived it at the time to be gone and done away with because it was full of lies and emptiness. I had never pursued my own path in life-always did what everyone else wanted me to do, never what I wanted for myself.

My unconscious desperately wanted out of life that I was living so that I could figure out who I really was (that is what they told me) and in my case, it turned out that they were right. My violent thoughts were a direct reflection of the hate I felt towards the people who had forced me to become who they wanted me to be (not who I was). Most of my anger and rage was towards the people who had victimized me from a very young age-there was some self-hate there but not that much once I worked my way through all of the other crap that had made me crazy for decades. Take it for what you will-but that is my history with the sorts of behaviors that you are describing (and I felt that way for many years, not just a few weeks or months).
 

Battlecry

Mad as a sack of ferrets!
#3
Thank you. That kinda makes a lot of sense. It also implies rather a lot of therapy is necessary, but that's hardly a surprise! Much appreciated. Thanks for the reply.
 

Brian777

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#4
This sounds terrible @Battlecry, hopefully it's just the med change and it will stop, I'd definetly tell the doctor about it.
Hope you feel better soon.
Brian
 

lifetalkz

Well-Known Member
#5
You're welcome-just wanted to add that the works of Carl Jung are readily available at any public library (not expensive at all). He believed strongly in life as metaphor for people with self-hate and extremely violent thoughts. Another Jungian analyst who was very helpful to me is a woman named Marion Woodman. Her books are available on Amazon for about $15 a piece (a small price to pay to give your mind an entirely new perspective on your anger). Good luck-LT
 

Walker

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#6
hmm.. is this *already* a med issue? Like could these thoughts be a product of meds you're already taking by chance?
 

Battlecry

Mad as a sack of ferrets!
#7
hmm.. is this *already* a med issue? Like could these thoughts be a product of meds you're already taking by chance?
Kinda wondering if it is the meds. Really bad day today. Mentally/emotionally, I'm perfectly ok. That is to say, I don't feel depressed or inclined to self harm or suicide.
But I have spent five hours in a series of meetings today (actually very interesting and enjoyable) with a constant image of quite literally forcing something like tent pegs completely through parts of my body (mainly forearms). I do hope that doesn't get moderated because it's not a reference to suicidal ideation or methods and it's sure as hell not a bog-standard technique for self harm. It's just a horribly graphic image that I cannot get out of my head when my mind is supposed to be engaged in something else entirely. I kinda feel I need to detail it slightly, just to know if others have experienced similar on venlafaxine.

I would categorically never do it, that's not even up for debate. Can't really imagine anyone doing that. But why does this dominate my thoughts? I never used to get this. At least, I'm pretty sure when on Mirtazapine it ever happened. I just feel slightly obsessed with my forearms. Yes, that's where I would cut if I do but as I say, I feel no compulsion to hurt myself at all at the moment. On the contrary, I may be on the up (fingers crossed). I just wish I could understand (and preferably) stop it. It's incredibly distracting and after long enough, can verge on being distressing.
 

Battlecry

Mad as a sack of ferrets!
#9
With this latest downward slide, family GP referred me for a psych assessment, so the consultant suggested this, given that the mirtazapine didn't appear to be working any longer. I presently have to keep checking in with shrink, GP and a care-coordinator and I have flagged the issue with them. But I've only been on venlafaxine since the start of the year so as unpleasant as this is, I accept sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better and I just need to stay the course.
 

kendall

Active Member
#10
I have OCD. so I always have compulsive thoughts racing around I can't get rid of. Maybe talk to a doctor about taking a prescription. thats what I did and now I have a clear mind all the time. I only think when I want to about what I want to....although I am being treated for ocd. Maybe you could use an antidepressant.

Side note. I fantasize about myself being dead too. Like how I would look dead, and where I would be, and who would find me. I think I like to explore the idea in my head so that I don't actually do it and hurt myself. It is weird.
 

Battlecry

Mad as a sack of ferrets!
#11
Not
I have OCD. so I always have compulsive thoughts racing around I can't get rid of. Maybe talk to a doctor about taking a prescription. thats what I did and now I have a clear mind all the time. I only think when I want to about what I want to....although I am being treated for ocd. Maybe you could use an antidepressant.

Side note. I fantasize about myself being dead too. Like how I would look dead, and where I would be, and who would find me. I think I like to explore the idea in my head so that I don't actually do it and hurt myself. It is weird.
So not weird- I do it all the time. It's like an unhealthy obsession and sometimes I can't distinguish between my MH and bad habits. Very macabre but hardly a surprise when you/we often wish we were dead.
 

dugga

Well-Known Member
#12
Hi @Battlecry - I have similar thoughts, not involving tent pegs but power tools which is concerning as I have a workshop full of them. I think they are more prevalent at the moment as I am under some serious workplace stress and like yourself I'm in the venlafaxine "getting to know you" phase. I'd like to think it's some sort of manifestation of pent-up tension. I don't think of doing it to others though so I don't believe I'm a threat to others. I have the forearm obsession thing too, probably as they are in front of us all the time - an easy target perhaps?
 
#13
Oh! I thought it was only me, of course with such thoughts we are inclined to keep them to ourselves, it is almost soothing to know that someone else suffers the same kind of thoughts, I don't remember when mine first started but I can think back to years ago when I was getting them. They are sporadic, and very intrusive if they just pop up into my mind. :(
 

Kira

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#14
Wanted to add my two cents worth ('cause 2 cents can buy you sooo much)

I remember about 2 years ago I came off my bipolar meds 'cause they weren't really working anymore. So the psychiatrist puts me on some low dose anti-psychotic meds..... Call the bloody police! I was totally off my nutter! It was like I had no inner filter and litterally everything I thought, I said... out loud! I litterally felt and sounded like I was drunk!!

I tried talking to him about it but he said it would settle down. I don't think he cared actually as he wasn't getting paid to speak to me over the phone!!

Bottom line was, for me, I knew these meds weren't right for me so I stopped them and tried a new bipolar med which I'm still on today. Just go with your instinct I guess. You shouldn't be having these thoughts really especially if they're caused by medication.

(Plus, those lush cream carpets really need to be kept clean! :p ox)
 
#15
I'm under a lot of stress right now and very much want to try to kill myself <Mod Edit-Method>. I previously has such thoughts. However, they were fleeting or just depressing thoughts. Now the thoughts are real. The temptation is strong. I don't want to live my life.

I also sometimes think about actually being dead. I had a dissociation experience where I felt I was falling deeper into a hole and dying. It was so calming...
 
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#16
Hi @Libbyontheclimb Welcome to the Forum. I'm sorry you've been having these awful strong thoughts. Do you want to share what's been stressing you out and maybe contributing to you feeling this way?

Times of stress can often make us think of "escape" in this way. But it is not a solution, and life goes on and can be much better once we get through the stress/trial we are facing. Do you have any family/friends or support in your life at the moment?

Can you please mention these thoughts to a doctor. In harder times, it's sensible and safe to try to get as much extra help as we can. None of us can do this life thing all alone, and some periods are just rough and we need to reach out however we can.

Please keep speaking with us.
 
#17
First of all, I'm sorry for going against the rules. I was merely responding to what others were saying.

Second, I have a great support system and a job. I'm in therapy and have a psychiatrist and I'm on meds. However, I'm in my 20's recently divorced for the second time.
 
#18
Divorce is a major life change that often does bring much stress. I'm sorry you've been through this, but I am glad you have survived. I also have friend who at 30 just went through her second divorce, which was quite rough.
You will make it through to the other side; you did it once before and you can do it again. And you never know the unforeseen positives that may be ahead.

I'm glad you have been proactive enough to seek out professional help. Stick with it. I believe once you keep trying and working with them, and doing your part, with time things will improve. Hold on.

But please tell your team about these new more regular thoughts, if you have not done so yet. You get the best support by being honest about what yuo are experiencing.
 
#19
Of course I told them. And I'm doing some research into a day hab program. But it's taking a while and have to figure out how it'll effect my work.

I've also been through a lot growing up. And honestly, I don't see that I have a future. Not with my mental and emotional illness
 
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