Well this isn't fun. It goes without saying that I think about self harm and suicide. Alot. Daily. For twenty years. Yep - that'll make anyone depressed.
But lately I've been getting the most invasive/intrusive thoughts in my head. For obvious reasons I can't go into detail, but they are basically mental images of exceptionally graphic, violent acts toward myself. They don't really fall under the notion of self harm or suicide because:
a) It's more than self harm. It'd be really bloody painful. And actually just downright bloody. Which would totally ruin my cream carpets, so it's simply not an option.
b) While some imagined acts would undoubtably result in death, there 'aint no way I'd go about it that way. Not sure anyone would. Again, agonisingly painful, terrifying and likely to ruin the magnolia walls as well as the cream carpets!
So there is no doubt in my mind that I would ever act upon these thoughts. That'd be absurd. And messy. And redecorating would cost a fortune. But to say these are most unwelcome is like suggesting WWII was a minor playground scuffle!
It's one thing for this shit to fly through your head when you have nothing else to think about. But when your brain is very much engaged in other stuff, it really sucks to be honest. There I am sitting in a really enjoyable training event, trying to focus upon what's being said and participate fully, while all I can see if these awful images in my head. It's so distracting. Or as I participate in a business meeting, engrossed in important issues, or in a bar chatting with friends, or totally absorbed in a fantastic movie. I should be able to focus my attention entirely and not have to contend with this nonsense.
I've had many a dark thought, but this is somewhat new to me and I'm not having fun. Kinda hoping it may be in part due to the changeover between meds, which remains a work in progress. Anyone else experience this?
But lately I've been getting the most invasive/intrusive thoughts in my head. For obvious reasons I can't go into detail, but they are basically mental images of exceptionally graphic, violent acts toward myself. They don't really fall under the notion of self harm or suicide because:
a) It's more than self harm. It'd be really bloody painful. And actually just downright bloody. Which would totally ruin my cream carpets, so it's simply not an option.
b) While some imagined acts would undoubtably result in death, there 'aint no way I'd go about it that way. Not sure anyone would. Again, agonisingly painful, terrifying and likely to ruin the magnolia walls as well as the cream carpets!
So there is no doubt in my mind that I would ever act upon these thoughts. That'd be absurd. And messy. And redecorating would cost a fortune. But to say these are most unwelcome is like suggesting WWII was a minor playground scuffle!
It's one thing for this shit to fly through your head when you have nothing else to think about. But when your brain is very much engaged in other stuff, it really sucks to be honest. There I am sitting in a really enjoyable training event, trying to focus upon what's being said and participate fully, while all I can see if these awful images in my head. It's so distracting. Or as I participate in a business meeting, engrossed in important issues, or in a bar chatting with friends, or totally absorbed in a fantastic movie. I should be able to focus my attention entirely and not have to contend with this nonsense.
I've had many a dark thought, but this is somewhat new to me and I'm not having fun. Kinda hoping it may be in part due to the changeover between meds, which remains a work in progress. Anyone else experience this?
