Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SadDude1980, May 13, 2008.

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  1. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    You ever feel like invisible? Like nobody notices you? Makes it easier to just want to make it real. I mean it's so much like you dont' even exist in the first place, why not just make it official?

    I'm thinking about it. Existence has reached an all time pointless indefinite line. Stay alive for my daughter? Call me a selfish prick, but I don't know how much longer I can do this. See, when I had my daughter, it was with her mother, we were a unit, one solid group for 7 years. Now it'd be these jacked screwed up... thing. Here I am this partnerless father with my daughter who'll always see me unhappy and depressed and lonely. I love my daughter, but nobody can ever fill the shoes of a partner but a partner. Not my mother, father, brother, whatever.

    I hate being alone. And I don't want to hear the usual tripe if any, "Oh you'll meet someone again in time," "someday you'll find love again" bla bla bla. I always desired a partner, even before I was married. And now after having it for 7 years and going back to just nothing again and having to deal with my partner turning against me like Anakin turned on obi-wan, I just don't see what the point is.

    I do agree with this - you can't go looking for love. So what does that mean jsut sit around indefinitely till I happen to bump into someone if ever? Sounds pretty shitty. Every hour that I'm alone again feels like a hellish nightmare. I know not everyone can relate, but I hate it. I HATE IT. The townhouse where me and my wife and daughter used to live - cold and lonely now despite my parent's efforts to refurnish it and fix it back up. It's filled with memories of my wife smiling in the kitchen and me coming up and huggin her from behind. Of My daughter sitting on the couch bouncing up and down listening to her bible songs.

    Now it's empty. And I'm alone. I go to this job everyday... a job that's lost all it's purpose since I got it for my family. Now the money goes to pay for court fees and rent. I don't even get to enjoy any of it :( It's not going to help my little unit or pay of our debts. It's going to do battle with my wife :(

    I don't even want to do battle with her. If she wants me gone, fine, but not like this. :(

    I came so close this past sunday, closer than I've ever been. I know I'm not allowed to talk about methods here, but let me tell you I have one that will finish me off for sure and I Have the means to do it. One more lonely night that's too much is all it'll take.

    Talking to everyone on MSN was a good distraction, but those relationships I'm fucking up because I'm in so much agony.

    I think tonight I'll consider it again and see if I can't go through with it. This life this existence is so nothing to me now. I don't have the emotional or mental endurance to keep fighting my wife, keep going to this empty job which I have no choice but to to pay bills, battle with alcoholism and be alone all the while with nobody waiting for me when I come home.

    I wants out :( I need it. I'm falling so fast, I've been crying at my desk for a good part of today. The highlight going out and getting a burger from fudruckers. This is my life. Nothing but court dates and court battles coming up. I don't want this.

    I give up :( I so give up :(

    I hope God forgives me.
  2. aeommai

    aeommai Active Member

    it could be worse.
    people could notice you, but not in a good way.
    they could notice you and look at you and point and laugh and give you that look, saying something like "you're weird, and im oh-so much better than you"

    about your girl crisis, most of us on here have a girl crisis.

    you know, you expect something to last, but once that person is done with you, they're done with you. or maybe not, i can't be too sure, but it looks that way!
  3. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    Yes, I've felt that way before too, and it was decently hard to get out if it (it was nowhere as big as what you've been through).

    I don't know much about relations so I won't be able to offer much help. Sorry about that.

    I hope you find someone to talk to at Fuddruckers.
  4. nedflanders

    nedflanders Well-Known Member

    Gosh, I really wouldn't know anything about that.
  5. Ken, please message to me on MSN.
  6. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    I've had a girl crisis before. This was/is my wife and I had a life and a family with her. I'm not belitting anyone's heart break with a girlfriend or anything like that. I most certainly won't do that as that can be as painful as hell (I've been through that before my marriage). I just don't want what I'm going through now downplayed as 7 years of my life have gone into this relationship and not all of them were bad. In fact there were a 4 good ones. People go through hearbreak all the time, but everyone's case is different and specific to them. The only reason I'm still functional at this moment is by God's hand.

    I'm begging he'll hold me upright. It's like right now I'm in the ring with my wife and she's beating the shit out of me like Apollo did to Rocky. I'm getting my ass so pounded I can barely swing back. If you want to really make it more correct, analogy-wise, this would be like Adrianne kicking Rocky's ass. Would he want to swing back at her? Not really, but he has no choice but to do something. It makes me feel sick inside :(

    I have all these things I HAVE to do and I'm getting my ass beat by my partner. I wish so bad I had someone to talk to, someone non judgemental, someone empathetic, but I think everyone on MSN is tired of hearing my shit. I don't blame them, I'd be tired of hearing my shit too. I feel so alone :( And there's one person I really enjoyed talking to so much but now I've kinda fucked that up so I dunno what I'm going to do :(
    Last edited by a moderator: May 14, 2008
  7. Boratz

    Boratz Well-Known Member


    You may thik you are invinciblble to others. But what do you care?
    You never know this people who claimed they are living a normal life is also sufferinf from a rotten life like most of us do. The world right now ,as I look at it is the battle of the fittest. We ,most of us of us here ,get the end of the rod becoz we are the most caring tthe mother nature choses to carry the torch of kindness & humility . I know this might be so cruel to us but we are here & the purpose is in our hands.

    I am a full pledge aetheist Yet there is a a force that bond us together & let us carry the torch of kindness even it means as a sacrificial lambs.

    Hang to Mother who by all means is giving us the courage to face the cruelty of this so called life.

    Until we get through this we will sow the beauty of our suffering. and the world can rest in peace.

  8. Ken, if you are like Rocky Balboa, then I am like Mickey Goldmill.
    Go into court and kick that demon bitch's ass back to hell with her Oompa Loompa mother-in-law.
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You might think it's the end of the world. Well it's not,you are just greiving right now, next will be anger and so on. You will feel better eventually. I am speaking from experince. Every woman I have been with has cheated on me. I went back to my exwife 6 times trying to work things out, It would last about 2 weeks then she would go out and get drunk and go home with anybody at the bar that wanted her.
    The reason I went back so many times was because of my daughter, I wanted her to have both parents. Well my ex took care of that she took my daughter up north so I didn't get to see her very much. I would bring her down here for the summer. It would break my heart every time the summer would end and I would have to send her back.
    My ex fiance started cheating on me after I switched jobs. I strated out on 3rd shift, and she would wait until I was gone to work and she would go out drinking with her friend. I thought we had a good relationship, I was wrong.
    Sorry I still go off when I speak of her. I had a nervous breakdown about the same time I found out she was cheating. :mad:You will get over her eventually so don't dispear. Just take it one day at a time. It will get better eventually. At least thats what every one told me. My self I turned to isolation, but that is not for eveyone. I have always been a loner,so it came naturally to me. After being alone for the past 11 years I have grown to accept that as my fate. I guess what I am trying to say is it gets better. Greiving is the hard one to get over. Eventually it will happen for you. Well i'll get off my soap box now. Just remeber take it one day at a time. Good luck,
  10. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Thanks, stranger, and I'm sorry to hear about your unfortunate series of events relationship-wise :( That's really depressing.

    I don't do well with isolation though. Not well at all. I hate it very much even. I hate not being able to communicate with someone who can/will listen, not being heard. I believe God has a wonderful, sensitive, caring person who'll adore me and only me as I adore them. Someone who loves to spend time with me and loves to just even be in my presence, and same for me. I crave this above all else in life. Jobs and things like that are what I consider necessary evils, not fulfilling and I never will consider them alone to be fulfilling.

    Living alone, for me, is too bleah. I like myself just fine, but not to the point where I'm thinking, "Meh, I'm all I'll never need, who cares if nobody else likes me". That kind of living in arrogant seclusion or just miserable solitude doesn't sound appealing to me at all. It sound revolting and repuslsive like a death sentence. I mean I know some people can manage it because that's how they're built and more power to you if you can actually live that way and be happy. But I know myself VERY well and that will not ever fly with me.

    If finding said partner is my "oasis" that God is pushing me towards, then in the meantime as I walk through this desert that is court battles, my wife coming after me, my daughter gone without a trace, my misery and my loneliness... I'd like just a drink of water from God to show that he's with me. I KNOW he is, but it's good to feel it and see it. Some taste of that oasis water to know help me to keep going forward towards that oasis I can't see and dont' know where it is or how long it'll be till I get there. I refer you to this scene from Ben Hur when the main character begs God to help him because he's being marched to the galleys to row on a boat till he dies as his sentence for a crime he didn't commit. Jesus comes and gives him water and then he has the strength to go on.

    I live now only to have that drink of water :(

    I look forward to it, I know God won't let me down. Whatever that may be equivalent-wise for me
  11. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    I keep getting close. I keep having things that prompt me. I Keep making mistakes.

    This past Saturday night I laid in our bed upstairs in our bedroom back at the townhouse. I laid on my side of the bed and reached over and touched the empty space where my wife use to lay. I'd burst into tears and begin to break down. To scream at God, how can I go on like this? To scream against everyone who says, "Oh it's just a grieving process". I don't want to grieve, I don't want to go through "the steps of shock, grieving, denial, etc". I WILL NOT be fine after going through that crap ALONE. "Oh goodie, you've gone through those steps, and you're sober now... and you're alone, which you hate above all else"

    People don't seem to understand when I say I desired a partner BEFORE my wife, and I desire one still. If I have to go through this life then let it be balanced. I wanna share my woes with someone as they share theirs with mine. We'll lean against each other like Forest Gump did with Bubba in vietnam so our "heads aren't laying in the mud"

    "Some day", "In time". Uh, don't know how to break it to some, but under the circumstances, that's just not happening. Oh I HOPE it does, but how much time? days? weeks? months? years? I'm running out of steam fast. What I'd give for one person I could talk to that understands me.

    As it is, though, that's just not happening.

    I exist till I can't stand to exist anymore.
  12. iwannadie0813

    iwannadie0813 Member

    life hurts the most when there's no love.
  13. Imagine Natalie looking over at you, with a large dollar sign imprinted into her forehead, reminding you about all of the money that she is costing you, and also, her wielding a hammer, which she constantly hits you in the chest with, reminding you about all of the pain that she is causing you. Hopefully that will help ease your mind about missing her. Also, imagine you winning the court case, then a huge pig falls from the sky and lands on Oompa Loompa as she exits the court room. That ought to cheer you up.

    I hope that you feel better soon, Kenny. :hug:
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