You ever feel like invisible? Like nobody notices you? Makes it easier to just want to make it real. I mean it's so much like you dont' even exist in the first place, why not just make it official? I'm thinking about it. Existence has reached an all time pointless indefinite line. Stay alive for my daughter? Call me a selfish prick, but I don't know how much longer I can do this. See, when I had my daughter, it was with her mother, we were a unit, one solid group for 7 years. Now it'd be these jacked screwed up... thing. Here I am this partnerless father with my daughter who'll always see me unhappy and depressed and lonely. I love my daughter, but nobody can ever fill the shoes of a partner but a partner. Not my mother, father, brother, whatever. I hate being alone. And I don't want to hear the usual tripe if any, "Oh you'll meet someone again in time," "someday you'll find love again" bla bla bla. I always desired a partner, even before I was married. And now after having it for 7 years and going back to just nothing again and having to deal with my partner turning against me like Anakin turned on obi-wan, I just don't see what the point is. I do agree with this - you can't go looking for love. So what does that mean jsut sit around indefinitely till I happen to bump into someone if ever? Sounds pretty shitty. Every hour that I'm alone again feels like a hellish nightmare. I know not everyone can relate, but I hate it. I HATE IT. The townhouse where me and my wife and daughter used to live - cold and lonely now despite my parent's efforts to refurnish it and fix it back up. It's filled with memories of my wife smiling in the kitchen and me coming up and huggin her from behind. Of My daughter sitting on the couch bouncing up and down listening to her bible songs. Now it's empty. And I'm alone. I go to this job everyday... a job that's lost all it's purpose since I got it for my family. Now the money goes to pay for court fees and rent. I don't even get to enjoy any of it It's not going to help my little unit or pay of our debts. It's going to do battle with my wife I don't even want to do battle with her. If she wants me gone, fine, but not like this. I came so close this past sunday, closer than I've ever been. I know I'm not allowed to talk about methods here, but let me tell you I have one that will finish me off for sure and I Have the means to do it. One more lonely night that's too much is all it'll take. Talking to everyone on MSN was a good distraction, but those relationships I'm fucking up because I'm in so much agony. I think tonight I'll consider it again and see if I can't go through with it. This life this existence is so nothing to me now. I don't have the emotional or mental endurance to keep fighting my wife, keep going to this empty job which I have no choice but to to pay bills, battle with alcoholism and be alone all the while with nobody waiting for me when I come home. I wants out I need it. I'm falling so fast, I've been crying at my desk for a good part of today. The highlight going out and getting a burger from fudruckers. This is my life. Nothing but court dates and court battles coming up. I don't want this. I give up I so give up I hope God forgives me.