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Irish Jokes

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by neverdie, Mar 17, 2008.

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  1. neverdie

    neverdie Guest

    What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

    One less drunk.

    What do you call two gay Irish men?

    Henry Fitzpatrick & Patrick Fitzhenry

    Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy me friend.

    Oi think you’ve ‘ad quite enough"

    Paddy replies "OK Mick, Oi trust yer judgement, I'll be on me way then."

    Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

    “Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

    He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. “Shoite, Shoite but Oi’m drunker than I thought!"

    He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

    He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame, hanging on for dear life. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.

    But he falls flat on his face... "B'Jesus... but I'm pissed tonight," he says...

    He can see his house just a few doors down, swears again, but continues on.

    He crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside...

    Already exhausted, he takes a look up the stairs and says "No way!” He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "If I can just make it to me bed..." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face again, then pulls himself into bed and blissfully passes out.

    The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get yourself up Paddy. By, did you have a load to drink last night!!!!”

    Paddy says, "Oi did. Oi was berloddy' pissed… "But how'd you know?"

    Jess answered, "Mick called...

    You left your wheelchair at the pub."

    O’Malley (the town drunk – what – only one?) comes into the local pub with a shiner on his eye and sits down at the bar. The barkeep notices it, being an observant sort, and asks him, “O’Malley! Pray, tell us what happened to ye!”.

    Everyone else is listening, waiting…and O’Malley answers, “Well, I was in church the other day, don’t ye know, and there was this woman in front of me in the next pew... And well ye know, ye get up, and you kneel, ye get up and ye kneel. And I noticed that the back of her dress was, well, stuck between her crack. So I ever so gently pulled it out – and she turned around and HIT ME!”. Of course, everyone bursts into mad laughter at this!

    A few weeks later, O’Malley returns to his favorite establishment, but with a shiner on his OTHER eye. And again, the barkeep (also a nosey sort!) asks him, “O’Malley! NOW what’s happened to ye?!” To which O’Malley, blushing, replies, “Well…I was in church again, this time with me brother. And don’t ye know, the SAME woman was in the pew before us! As ye know, ye get up and ye kneel, get up and ye kneel, and again, her dress got stuck in her CRACK! And me brother pulled it out! But I, knowing she didn’t care for this, ever so gently pushed it back IN!”

    An agnostic Irishman goes out for a stroll at a foolishly late hour & soon finds himself in a dark & dodgy neighbourhood. Suddenly, he feels something uncomfortably like what he imagines a gun barrel must feel like between his shoulder blades & a low voice growls,
    "Declare your faith!"

    The agnostic couldn't give a toss about faith, he's just concerned about his own safety. He thinks to himself, 'If I say I'm Catholic & he's an Orangeman that's the end of me. But if I say I'm Protestant & he's IRA I'm equally buggered." On a deep breath he makes his decision:
    "I'm Jewish".

    From behind him, a surprised & delighted voice announces,
    "Faith & begorrah, if I'm not the luckiest Arab in the Emerald Isle

  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni


  3. [​IMG]

    An English man and an Irish man are driving head on,
    at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, who exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, who replies: '' No tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda arrive''


    When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland,
    what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!


    Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!" "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?" "No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"


    "T''was the Irish what invented the pipes, you know, and they gave them to the Scots as a joke. And you know, the Scots haven’t gotten the joke yet!!"


    Last edited: Mar 17, 2008
  4. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    :laugh: :laugh:
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

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