Irrational Sadness

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by anonymous28, Apr 16, 2014.

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  1. anonymous28

    anonymous28 Member


    I recently had an affair, which ended (not by my choice) and has left me feeling some very irrational sadness. I had never had that kind of relationship before, so maybe that's part of it?

    The other person wasn't even someone I ended up knowing very well at all. And I think I should just be sad because of the loss of the fantasy about him.

    I don't feel guilty, so that's not the issue.

    I have a sweet and loving partner in life, and I love him, too. So I'm not alone or unloved, but I feel very isolated and lonely.

    My ex affair partner was a person who had been with many women before, and he told me this is why it was easy for him to end it and he thought maybe that's why it is harder for me. He did act kindly towards me, but the ending was very abrupt and I feel very isolated and hurt. The weird part is, I don't think he really did anything to wrong me, but I feel pretty terrible about myself for some reason. I was so kind and caring to him, and now it feels like there's a big hole in my life.

    It doesn't make sense, as I didn't actually see him very often (we probably spend a total of 20 to 30 hours together in the past 9 months). And we emailed only a few, brief things to each other a few times a week or less.

    So why do I feel like I want to kill myself? I've had much worse things happen to me in my life, experienced other, more meaningful losses, and I've never felt that I might do something to hurt myself. I don't really have any other person I can talk to about this. :(
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I guess you were attached to him more than you thought, you don't have to know someone inside out to love them. Any kind of break up has a grief time. Give yourself time to grief, it's okay. Eventually it will feel less and less painful as you keep doing things you love and hang out with people you care about. Maybe you'll find someone else too so don't give up. Take it one day at a time. Do stuff to make you happy, like a hobby or go out etc...:hug:
  3. mark b

    mark b Well-Known Member

    It is the abruptness and the realisation that it would never be anything more than what it was...a brief encounter (like the movie).

    I had my first ever - Im 57- affair after meeting the lady of my dreams. I still continued the affair with the full inner knoledge that it was simply sex and occassional secret meetings to 'enjoy' ourselves.

    I was in a mess when it ended. Didnt admit how much, but I was.

    Its all gone now and I dont miss it even slightly.

    However the devastation it caused my lovely lady and destruction of any future together was even worse than words can say.

    It sounds like you are nowhere near this situation with your partner. You love him, so please make this relationship be the prime concern and the other issues will disappear into memories.

    Good luck. Dont loose this love.
  4. anonymous28

    anonymous28 Member

    Thank you for your kind words.

    My affair partner went through a lot of guilt and I was supportive and understanding through it. That's the reason he ended it, because he couldn't tolerate his guilt any longer.

    I never wanted it to be more than a secondary and temporary relationship, and have never wanted to leave my partner.

    I anticipated feeling sadness when it ended, but not like this. I feel worthless and isolated and have thought about suicide a few times. I have someone I told about the affair, recently, but it's weird, and I can't talk about the sadness honestly. I wish I could tell my partner merely for the emotional support, but that will never be possible.

    I think you're right that I'm more attached than I thought, but I've lost people before that I was very logically attached to and haven't felt this awful. This irrational attachment to someone I barely knew is new to me... and feeling bad that he didn't share it seems out of place to me. Why would I have expected him to share it? Sure, we had an intense connection, but in the big picture, we barely shared anything about ourselves with each other. Why feel so bad about myself over some fantasy. :(
  5. mark b

    mark b Well-Known Member

    Five minutes ago I just off the phone with the lady I love and hurt so much. 45 minutes of talk about how I cheated on her two years ago.

    The pain for her is still very much alive.

    Doesnt matter what I say or how sorry I am. Its what I did.

    Please let yours go and accept love from someone that deserves love back.
  6. anonymous28

    anonymous28 Member

    Hrm, I'm not feeling guilty. I love my partner and accept his love. Nothing about this has changed how I feel about him and our relationship. I absolutely do not plan on him finding out. I still would not feel guilty about the affair if he did find out, but would be very sad over his pain and the likely change it would create in his feelings towards me.

    What I am sad about right now is the loneliness and the loss of this thing. That is what is making me feel terrible. If I could just 'let it go' that would be nice.
  7. anonymous28

    anonymous28 Member

    It's really bad right now. :( I feel like I don't have anyone.... I feel stupid and worthless for having such a strong reaction to this.
  8. anonymous28

    anonymous28 Member


    "Once I pass'd through a populous city imprinting my brain for future
    use with its shows, architecture, customs, traditions,
    Yet now of all that city I remember only a woman I casually met
    there who detain'd me for love of me,
    Day by day and night by night we were together—all else has long
    been forgotten by me,
    I remember I say only that woman who passionately clung to me,
    Again we wander, we love, we separate again,
    Again she holds me by the hand, I must not go,
    I see her close beside me with silent lips sad and tremulous."

    I feel so unimportant. Why? When obviously others think so.

    Like I could have been important to him if I was different? Maybe?

    Please, someone help.
  9. Siferra

    Siferra Member

    Why are you so concerned with being important to someone you had an affair with, when you are currently with someone right now? You HAVE someone that you can get emotional support from, when so many of the rest of us have no one in our lives to turn to. I understand you cannot tell your current partner about the affair. That's fine. You don't have to tell him. But you still have him in your life, and you're sounding like you aren't interested - all you want is to be important to the man you had an affair with.

    If it is just guilt, that is natural. You did something that our society frowns on, and if you are not prepared to come clean about it, you will have to learn to bury it. Something that I strongly recommend is looking at the Alcoholics Anonymous "Twelve Steps" - Step Nine is "making amends". It is applicable in this case even though you aren't needing to go through AA. Often we cannot tell our partners about the emotional hurts we have caused - such as by having an affair - because by telling them, we are causing irreparable damage. Thus, we "make amends" by living our lives the RIGHT way, by being in the relationship we have, and doing things the right way, by supporting our CURRENT partner, and loving them, and NOT making the same mistakes again (such as by having another affair, or dwelling on the old one, or trying to get back together with the old one.)

    If you want to be important to someone, look at the people you still have in your life - your current partner, NOT the man you had an affair with. HE left YOU.
  10. anonymous28

    anonymous28 Member

    That's not helpful to me, actually, Siferra.

    My affair did not violate my value system. If you're trying to convince me that it did, or should, I don't think that's going to work. I've spent a lot of time considering that.

    I know I am important to my partner. It just doesn't seem to cancel out the loss part.

    Maybe it's because no one in my life has ever actually abandoned me so abruptly before?
  11. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Talk to a netural friend or get some counseling. Youre not alone in this I know of two friends who went through similar situations and affairs are never clean. Its always sticky and difficult to deal with for all parties involved.

    Hugs and hope things are getting better as im guessing time apart helps some of the healing in some people cases.
  12. Ljt

    Ljt Well-Known Member

    I agree with siferra.

    You had an affair and these usually only end in 2 ways. Either you end it for whatever reason or you current partner finds out. Either way someone will get hurt out of it. Either yourself or your current partner.

    I think you now need to focus on your current partner and be happy with them and get to the bottom of why you had an affair in the first place.

    If they found out about the affair how would they feel? I bet they would feel abandoned, hurt, and possibly destroy their trust in you And maybe in any other relationship they may have in the future.
  13. I don't know you but you sound like someone who made a mistake, you have a myriad of options that don't involve doing anything permanent. Just my thought.
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