Is anybody else like this ?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by msh, Sep 17, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. msh

    msh Member

    This is the first time I am posting on this website and I do really appreciate your advice.

    I will try to keep it short so people read it, here it goes ...

    I am 22 years old,have been battling major depression for about two years, have been very suicidal at times and I am very suicidal right now.

    My problem is not that I feel lonely, I don't, I have close friends, I am relatively popular and sociable person.
    I didn't have any traumatic experience in my life, no abusive parents, no death in the family nothing.
    I actually have a very loving and caring family, I could not ask for a better one.
    So what is my problem ? Well the main one I think is that I am a fraud. Yep I said it, the first time in my life I am actually admitting.
    I have always been looked up to, my friends and family have always thought very highly of me, mostly because I was always the only kid around who did well in school, and in general.
    I have always been in a bit of existential crisis (not that such a thing even exists). I got into a top-tier university did well my first and second year but then I got depressed, lost motivation, my grades dropped. But nobody knows this. Everyone thinks I am going to graduate with top grades and get into the best graduate school. But I know I will not. I have never really wanted to, all I have always wanted was approval and praise of other people (it made me feel superior, powerful)
    Everything about me is a facade, a mask that is about to slip and I hate that fact.
    I am no longer depressed because of some deep reason about life like I was (I thought I was) I am depressed because I am a failure but nobody knows.
    Also, I don't have anything else to live for, all I ever cared about was that feeling of power, superiority, that I am better than someone else without that I feel like I don't have anything.
    What would you do?
     
  2. mechanic

    mechanic Member

    I think its all a state of mind, you don't actually have to be superior to feel superior.
     
  3. msh

    msh Member

    Exactly, because what does being superior even mean? It's not an objective definition.
    But now I am at a point where I don't see any plausible way I can regain that feeling, and it's killing me.
     
  4. msh

    msh Member

    Exactly, because what does being superior even mean? It's not an objective definition.
    But now I am at a point where I don't see any plausible way I can regain that feeling, and it's killing me.
    I cannot delude myself into thinking I am superior (even the same level).
     
  5. juicy

    juicy Well-Known Member


    I don't think you need to be superior on what you do compared to what others are doing. Strive for superiority in how you feel. Happiness is better for your emotional health than sadness is. Happiness in superior to sadness when it comes to your emotional health, in my opinion, (philosophical reasoning may refute that) so strive to be happy. Do things you enjoy. Shut everything out for awhile. Focus on doing things for you and not anyone else. Become selfish. YOU are what's important. I see a lot of my situation in your situation. I'm 22 as well. I've taken a near selfish outlook on life. Everything I do I do for me. I think you should, too. It may seem kind of extreme, but your life is your life. Not anyone else's. Decide what you want in life and go out and get it.
     
  6. msh

    msh Member

    Oh wow, that is exactly what I have been doing for some time now!
    Selfish, yes. I feel like I am forcing myself to be devoid of emotions, not care about what others think, not care about hurting someone's feelings, just me.
    There is just one problem with that approach, right now I am fine, but I think later one you crave human touch, you feel lonely, empty.
    I don't have those feelings right now but I think I will.
     
  7. mechanic

    mechanic Member

    I think it sounds like you have been looking in the wrong places for happiness (although clearly I am no expert)

    This does kinda remind me of when I was growing up.
    As a kid I spent a hell of a lot of time around my grandfather (most of the time not out of choice)
    All I ever wanted to do was make him proud of me but all I got in return was constant put downs, this lead me to be a very unhappy and frustrated child/teenager. It wasn't until my late teens that I started to see things in a different light and started doing the things that would make me happy instead of doing things just to try and please him. In the long run he grew to respect me for it.
    Now im not saying you should drop out of your studies because you clearly have a huge amount of potential, and to be honest if I hadn't done some of things I did to please my grandfather I know would be worse off as a person. But you cant expect to devote all of your time doing things just for the sake of other people and not get short changed. I hope this makes some sense? it may just seem like rambling..
     
  8. juicy

    juicy Well-Known Member

    yeah...I think everyone has to find what works for them. For me, being devoid of emotions, not caring what anyone else thinks, not caring about huring someone's feelings, works for me, and I feel happier because of it.

    Perhaps you'll need a different approach. I hope you find it.
     
  9. msh

    msh Member

    It does and thank you, I see and that is what I am trying to do. Stop caring so much about others think and let go of my mask. Crush my ego and build another one from scratch. Then I can do things for myself. It's just hard you know, it's like loosing everything you had and trying to be content with other things that you newly found.
     
  10. crny

    crny New Member

    I've not been in your situation exactly, but I know that to withstand embarrassment is one of the hardest things I ever have to do. Once you get this off of your chest, sounds like you will still be well loved. I think if you explain why you didn't tell people initially b/c you didn't want to let anyone down, will be understood. As far as being superior, I've found that no one person is superior in everything, but the most successful are superior in one field that they have interest in and passion about. Is there some area in your life/world that you care deeply about and would like to spend you time working in to improve and evolve? If there is, I'd say put all of your passion into that, become an expert in your field, and while I don't believe any one person is superior to another, you will be revered for your intellect and respected for you opinion and that feels good. The rest of you life sounds well in order, I am hearing that you just need to find an avenue in life and become a successful professional.
     
  11. msh

    msh Member

    Thanks, I appreciate that.
     
  12. mechanic

    mechanic Member

    I know, it is hard to let go of the mask, sometimes it feels like the only thing we have. I still keep mine close by.
     
  13. msh

    msh Member

    Yes, I know. It's all around us, everyone has a mask of some sort and we all interact as if everything is real. I don't even mind that though, truth isn't always what you want.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.