Is anyone out there?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by BlondRedHead, Jul 22, 2009.

  1. BlondRedHead

    BlondRedHead Well-Known Member

    I'm sitting cross legged on the floor of my "temporary" bedroom that my mom still likes to remind me is her guest room. I don't live here, just staying until I can get out there again. It's been a year and two months. I am s proud of myself for moving on, getting through all these issues with my family and kind of stepping into my own you know?

    But growing doesn't stop the loneliness. It is so funny because I thought to myself, "Man, if I could just get past these family issues everything would be fine again". It's not though. I am still very much alone. My ever faithful companion is snoring next to me on my bed. My giant dog I was lucky enough to bring with me, my mom being on the surface so hard and cold and our history being unforgivable is giving me a chance by staying here and allowing my animals to be here as well. What I am saying though is that this is it. This is my life. Me, my laptop, a car I can barely afford and and a big lazy dog that idolizes me. She's a good pup but I need some human interaction.

    I don't WANT to hurt myself but I am afraid I am going to do something stupid though. Not sure what but like I have been in this place before and it was horrible. I think I am going to like freak out and drive off and wake up in some weird town (happened before). I also have this stay in one place phobia and after a yr or so I freak out, need ot get moving again and I feel it stirring inside me. Things are falling into place and I am about to mess it up again...

    I am staring at crosses and dolls and perfume bottles I've collected along my life travels and I don't have a real home. I have stuff but no place. Like I keep this in the back of my mind but once in awhile it comes to the surface and it paralyzes me. Like stops me and I feel cold and this sinking cold spot inside. I don't have a home, haven't in years and what happens is I am so used to feeling like this that when I do find a place that could be it... I panic and don't trust it and start to run again. How do I share this?

    What do you do when no one cares about you and your thoughts? What do you do when you think you need to share a part of yourself or your going to burst into a million pieces and there is no around to tell? I need someone, I need friends or love or something because the world is in front of me, I see it and I feel it... and I'm reaching out as hard as I can but I'm not reaching anything. Like standing on my toes and reaching for stars. Someone respond please?! Someone let me know I am not alone out there and that someday things might change, might get better. I say it over n over but it's just not coming out right. I'm so alone...
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I am here! You sound like your doing to too well and feeling all alone...well I am here which may not be much but I care..i am here with my laptop, in my room with my cat.
    Write back please here or in PM...i care, it seems you know yourself very well in many ways and that is one helluva of a start.
  3. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    Things will get better one day. It might not seem like it but it will. I have the same mentality sometimes by the way. Hate being stuck in one place for too long. I guess its just a matter of ignoring it if it will end up causing more harm than good. which it has for me a couple times.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i AM here too although on line it is still a connection a human connection with words reaching out. I reach out this way as i find it safe on this forum. I hope you continue to talk here and make friends here. Is there anyway you can do volunteer work at a animal pound or with animals this would be a good way to get out a bit. Just know we will be here anytime you need to talk take care and give your dog and big hug from me.
  5. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    if dogs could talk.sigh.There are a lot of us out there.I wish I had at least a pup to snore near by..better than family.and I mean that.Friends and family are two different things. Here we are in the cyber world..letting you know you are not alone. ((hugs))
  6. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    A lot of us are here, but only the lucky ones get help, it seems.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I am here and I hear you!! You can PM me anytime.. Mornings are best because I don't usually log on in the evenings..Anytime you need some one to help ground you feel free!!
  8. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    You know how to contact me :hug:
  9. FallingStar

    FallingStar Member

    I am in a similar situtation as you right now...
    My mom kicked me out of the house back in March, I am now living with my dad and his dad loves me very much but doesn't show it...
    my stepmom thinks I am better off dead...
    I went over to my old house the other find my room stripped of everything I owned...I looked for any possessions that were mine but it was all gone
    My dog I had since I was six was still there, I took her...and she is my only friend right now. I have exactly 2 friends in life besides my dog, one friend is too ditzty and sheltered to every relate to anything I am going through...and the other just judges me and makes me feel soo much worse about myself...the sad thing is my ex bf came back in my life and he is offering sex to help me seems like the only thing I have to look foward to now
    I have no one or no where to turn to...and no guy wants anything from me other then sex because I have a past and a history of depression, I am so young and shouldn't be feeling like all I have to look foward to is sleeping all day
  10. BlondRedHead

    BlondRedHead Well-Known Member

    You guys are so awesome. Thanks :)
  11. Jasin

    Jasin Member

    I'll just be succinct and say that I know EXACTLY how you feel, especially in the last paragraph of what you wrote.