is change possible?

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by silo, Jul 15, 2008.

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  1. silo

    silo Well-Known Member

    so i'm just seeking some opinions here......my abusive ex, will not leave me alone. he shows up at my place without warning, calls/texts all the time, emails several times a day, etc. i have been doing a pretty good job of completely ignoring him, but he's wearing me down. he swears up and down that he has changed and that i'm the one in the wrong for not giving him another chance. i feel so guilty sometimes. he's sort of right, maybe i am just assuming that he can't change and he actually has.... i guess what i'm wanting to know is....do any of you think that it's possible for an abuser to change (especially since it's only been 3 months since i moved out)? anyone have a similar situation?
     
  2. sakuragirl

    sakuragirl Well-Known Member

    In my opinion they cant change...mine said he changed and was great for a couple of months then broke my wrist. Then he changed again and 2 weeks later knocked me out. Then after kicking him out three months later he changed and when I said no threatened to kill me. This is dangerous territory you are stepping in, please be careful.
     
  3. silo

    silo Well-Known Member

    that is horrible. i'm so sorry. i've decided that i definitely agree with you. i'm starting to realize that everything my ex does is part of a big mind game. he says he changed, but then i have to remember that he's said that a thousand times before. i think that maybe abusers try to change, but they're just that way by nature. i don't think i can ever go back to him.
     
  4. immure

    immure Account Closed

    the fact that he is guilting you shows he hasn t changed. this is classic manipulation. and becareful get to deep and you start to believe you are not the victom he is the real victom. and this is a nasty perseption to get over if one ever does. and it gives them a back door in. if he really changed he wouldn t be obsessing over you every min of the day. sounds like it is the part of the cycle where one hears everything they want to hear.. i say don t do it been abused for 11 yrs. been on my own for abit better then a yr and it still affects how i relate to everyone. its messy don t get to my point. i still feel they are a bigger victom then me. i still feel i made every choice that got me where i am. i still feel it was my fault. i still flinch.
     
  5. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    In a way it seems like he's trying to make you feel guilty. To answer your question, off course abusers can change, just because people may not have experience it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. So yes they can change.

    The decision is entirely yours whether to accept him back or not. Take your time though, there's no rush, if he has changed then he would be understanding. But if you feel you can't ever go back to him, then so be it.
     
  6. silo

    silo Well-Known Member

    hmm, maybe it is possible for them to change. i seems like it would take a lot more time and energy than he has put towards it, though. i've made up my mind (hopefully for the last time) that i'd rather just never find out if he's changed or not. i never want to be that scared again, and most of all, i never want my son to get hurt or to think that it is ok to behave the way his father does.
     
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    He should hopefully respect your decision but if not and he keeps bugging you then call the police. Also it's understandable that you don't want your son to be like that in anyway.
     
  8. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    People don't really change that much. Not in the short-term anyway. If it is a pattern of behavior that he has been in for a long period of time, I'd say that's most likely just how he is.
     
  9. silo

    silo Well-Known Member

    he won't leave me alone now! he says he'll kill himself unless i marry him. i don't want to be with him again, but i'd never forgive myself if that happened. he just makes me so tired. he calls non-stop, or shows up at my apartment and just begs and makes threats for hours. when he finally leaves sometimes i just lay on floor and sleep the rest of the day. i feel like i'm being tortured! he's going to break me and i'm terrified...i don't ever want to be with him again.
     
  10. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Put yourself first. It's his own fault for being abusive to you in the past. If he keeps pestering you, call the police.
     
  11. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Wow Silo! I don't know what to say. That's gotta be tough to try to deal with. I don't have any idea what to advise you to do except just to hang in there.

    But also. This guy sounds very disturbed. I can understand being in love with someone but it's just not normal to go and make threats and stuff.

    I think, maybe, you have to realize that if he does something to himself, it really wasn't your fault. He doesn't have any right to make you feel like it's your fault that he can't move on. I mean, really. How is that your fault?

    But be very careful, whatever you do. I'm not sure what you can do but maybe others have suggestions.
     
  12. silo

    silo Well-Known Member

    yeah, i'm trying so hard to not feel guilty for what he's doing and for what he says he will do, but he knows just how to get in my head. i've recently been in contact with my lawyer and she has advised to contact child protective services the next time he has our son, and that they can find him help. i feel very guilty for this though. i don't know what to do.
     
  13. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Change is inevitable.

    Intent and motive of people's changes are questionable.

    If he is CHANGING for the overall better of himself and the world, he would not make you feel guilty or threatened in any way shape or form.......sounds more like he has control issues at this point.

    I'd run and never turn back.......your "questioning" is a clear sign and indictor that it's not right.
     
  14. silo

    silo Well-Known Member

    i saw him tonight and i would say that he has definitely changed...not for the better though. he's completely insane now. he grabbed me by the neck and pretended like he was going to hit me. he was with our son and all of a sudden he called and said that i had to take the baby and never let him (my ex) see either of us again. then he lay down in the parking lot and i drove away. it occurs to me now that he may have been on drugs or something...he was terrifying.
     
  15. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member


    Ummm so does this mean that you are convinced and not going to go back to him?
     
  16. dahry

    dahry Member

    I beg to differ.

    People CAN change, but sometimes it's REALLY hard for them to change completely. I'm not saying that your ex has changed, but I'm thinking that instantly saying the people can not change seems a little harsh. Even though the majority does NOT change (based on my own statistics), you can't help but think that the little group who are desperately wishing for change and are trying their best to reform themselves into better people.

    But life's not a Disney channel movie so we usually rule out such wishful thinking.

    Anyways, from what I can see, you really shouldn't give him a second chance. Just seeing him trail after you obsessively sounds like one of those creepy Lifetime movies that I crave. Coming at your house unexpectedly? Texts/calls? That sounds like a trail of warning flags shooting up already! Personally, I think you should go through lengths like changing your phone number and having a new e-mail provider. It's something that you really don't have to do, but putting myself in your position, I would try my best to alienate myself from him for the most part. But hey, that's me.

    Do you have any good girl friends that understand what you're going through? Do you have a spare room in your apartment? Ask them to bunk in with you. Maybe there's a chance that if he sees you with people constantly, he'll be a little frightened by approaching you with threats. Maybe he'll think twice before approaching you at your apartment begging for you to come back.

    And you two have a kid together? .... The only thing that I can say is to get that bloody kid outta' his care. There's a chance that he may channel his frustration at the kid and you know what the consequences are.

    And going back to my previous statement about people changing - three months isn't enough time for someone to change. It can take up to YEARS to get rid of their impulsiveness.
     
  17. rojomi

    rojomi Banned Member

    yes. but only if you want it. Then you have to figure out how many blah-blahs if takes to change a light bulb or whatever tis you're changing.
    Their fees, locations, hours, etc.-why not just burn some incense? or j(anet)
    NO-don't burn Janet. HELLO-not only is change possible, it is the ONLY constant in this dimension, which includes changing the smallest thing in the universe you could imagine:blink:
    "If this is reality then who,what,where,how,when am I supposed to be?"
    Shirley MacLaine:unsure:
    "Everyone is disposable" Leona Helmsley,God & SSA:dry:
     
  18. rojomi

    rojomi Banned Member

    yes. but only if you want it. Then you have to figure out how many blah-blahs if takes to change a light bulb or whatever tis you're changing.
    Their fees, locations, hours, etc.-why not just burn some incense? or j(anet)
    NO-don't burn Janet. HELLO-not only is change possible, it is the ONLY constant in this dimension, which includes changing the smallest thing in the universe you could imagine:blink:
    "If this is reality then who,what,where,how,when am I supposed to be?"
    Shirley MacLaine:unsure:
    "Everyone is disposable" Leona Helmsley,God & SSA:dry:
    "It's alright now, you can come out" Glinda the Good Witch & most candidates
     
  19. silo

    silo Well-Known Member

    yes, definitely. i haven't seen or spoken with him since that day. i will eventually have to because he has my copy of the baby's birth certificate, which i need to get him health insurance and day care. i'm going to bring someone with me, though. i don't ever want to be alone with him again.
     
  20. Dark~ness

    Dark~ness Member

    Hi silo,

    Firstly, have a :hug: sounds like you need one!

    I have been through this before, so can totally relate to what you are going through. I haven't been very lucky with the relationships I've been in... My fiance abused me, the next man I got involved with became obsessed with me. He was on a rape charge while we were going out. He said he didn't do it, but because I had been through that before the relationship wasn't going to work, whether he had done it or not, as it triggered me badly. I ended the relationship. He never laid a finger on me in the time that we were together. But there were times where I was scared when we were in the bedroom, as his personality would have made him quite capable of going through with rape. This may have been down to the fact that I had trust issues too though.

    Anyway, after I ended the relationship he wouldn't leave me alone. He started stalking me. He kept phoning and texting and emailing all the time... He knew where I was at certain times of the day and night, and he would make sure he was there, and he would follow me back to my car etc... He threatened me, and he threatened one of my male friends, as he assumed I had cheated on him (I hadn't). It was a really scary time. He was out of control. I ended up talking to a policeman. He advised me to stop all contact with him. It was all one sided - he was the one contacting me, I never replied, and I never spoke to him when I seen him, I always avoided him. The policeman said he would soon get fed up, and not bother me anymore as I wasn't reacting to him. It was very difficult though. I had been through so much with my ex fiance, and to have to go through this with him... If he didn't stop harassing me, then the police would have a word with him. If this didn't stop him, they could put a restraining order on him (I'm not sure if that was what they called it, but I think that was what it was). He did eventually stop contacting me. He still turns up to places that I go every now and again. But I just ignore him.

    I think what you need to do, no matter how hard it is, is don't react to what he says... don't reply, don't talk to him. If you keep in contact with him, whether it is friendly or not, any contact is better than nothing, as I was once told, and he will keep harassing you. Think of your son... Do you want him to witness this? I would suggest getting the police involved. You need to do what is right for you and your son. I was also told to keep all of the texts and emails, and voice messages etc as proof. I would suggest doing this too.

    Take care,

    D x
     
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