Is everyone inherently selfish?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Jay19, Sep 15, 2014.

  1. Jay19

    Jay19 Well-Known Member

    Thats what I asked my counsellor with regards to me saying that no one seems to take notice of me or include me in things unless they want something from me.

    For example I will reply to text from a friend/colleague 9/10 within a reasonable amount of time. Yet the other way round they wont bother replying at all most of the time. And then when I see them have some lame excuse that they were doing something or had no reception. Which I know is rubbish as they know they were chatting to mutual friends/collegues.:frown:
    Also I'm always arranging things yet if I leave them to do it they wont bother or wont invite me out or if they do its ALWAYS last minute.

    The problem is this seems to be EVERYONE i have ever met in my life. I could rationalise it and say i'm mixing with the wrong people but its everyone so I wonder is something wrong with me, am i defective in that I just cant get close to someone or can't evoke some sort of close emotional bond with anyone? I feel i'm just some plain person that no one will ever really cares about but be destined as the acquaintance

    I'm a very analytical person so try not to jump the gun so to speak but rationalise my thoughts and think am I over reacting but i'm not which is worrying. Even my counsellor admitted (reluctantly) that the people in my life have let me down.

    What do I do?
     
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I wish I knew what to say in reply to this. In theory there should be an equitable amount of give and take in a relationship of any kind. In reality I think it is always the case that there is one person who is more 'invested' and the relationship naturally falls into a pattern where one person is doing all the running. This is something I have thought about a lot, because I too feel to be the person always doing the 'work'. I know some people would say to cut those people loose - the ones who do not treat you in an equal fashion - but that seems to miss the point that when it is EVERYONE you are condemning yourself to a life of complete loneliness.

    Truthfully, I could have written your original post - and I do not have an answer apart from that maybe there is a disconnect between the kind of people you want to be friends with and the kind of people you should be friends with. The pretty, popular, funny, charismatic, confident people will ALWAYS have their pick of the friend barrel and never need to do the running - and it is simply a fact of nature that people are drawn to this kind of person. If all the people doing the running after these 'aspirational' friends packed it in and looked to each other for friendship instead, I think they (we) would be much happier in the end.
     
  3. Jay19

    Jay19 Well-Known Member

    Thx for replying Freya,
    I agree, there always is one person that will be doing more of the running. It always seems to be me and as you said it's everyone so there's no point in cutting people loose unless you want to be alone forever.

    I have thought about this but I have made 'friends' with a wide group of people at school, uni, work etc. Some were the cool kids, some more geeky, some with very similar interests & views on the world.
    I have said to myself many times 'maybe i'm overeacting' but in conclusion i'm not and people are really treating me like this, and got confirmation from my counsellor.

    I have got close to a work colleague and we both going through tough times and shared alot with each other. Yet she will hardly reply to my txts and then next day at work has some excuse. Yet for example some guy she doesnt really like she txts quite often to him about work and general things. He initiates alot hence them txting alot but she always replies to him or would make the effort to at least grace him with a reply or reason why she took so long.
    This may sound trivial to alot of people but this sort of thing IMO indicates where you stand with someone, it's the little things that you look for I mean.

    Did you have close friends when you were at school/younger? I did when I was at school especially the ones that I lived close to.
     
  4. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    i think if you believe you can find someone genuine or who gives you enough of their time, in the end you will. it is hard not to box people due to our experiences in the past though. however gotto keep an open mind
    fact not everyone is inherently selfish lies in this forum first and foremost. so if people can be like that here, why not irl
     
  5. Jay19

    Jay19 Well-Known Member

    Well I had a glimmer of faith in people for maybe a day tops but thats all gone to pot. Was talking to a work mate few days ago and told her what tough time I was going through and she seemed concerned and sincere saying she's always there to talk. Fast forward today when I text her and we ask how we are and what we did today etc and then she doesnt reply.
    I know people reading this will think its stupid to be upset over a text but to me little things like this highlight alot. They obviously couldn't be bothered to reply or forgot to.

    This is not about me being upset with me doing all the running but basic things like not replying to someone.
    Everyone keeps saying 'you will find that special one' or 'not all people are the same' but things like this are so basic that it doesnt matter what relationship you have with said person. Its not like i'm upset as they cancelled dinner or dont want to go on holiday with me. Its basic things like not replying to me or asking how I am once in a while! If people don't give me the courtesy of small things like this why should I expect to find someone who would want me in a closer relationship i.e partner.

    Why do I bother!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 5, 2014
  6. FMyLife

    FMyLife Chat Buddy

    It's not that people are selfish its that everyone has something going on in their life. If Person A is constantly talking to Person B about their issues, and person B runs into some issues of their own, its a natural response to drop everything else to take care of themselves. It's not selfish, its survival. People can only take on so much and 99% of the time they will watch out for themselves, rather than for those around them. We are all guilty of it. I try my best to help people out on this forum, but when push comes to shove and I am in a bad place, i'm sooner going to help myself versus helping someone else.
     
  7. Jay19

    Jay19 Well-Known Member

    I get what you mean but its the fact that they are nicely chatting away and then stops, and then they dont bother to reply back later on and say they were busy etc. Its like they dont have the respect to tell me they are sorry they didnt get back to me, does it take that long!. This isnt just on the phone but in real life situations too.
     
  8. ATLAFlame

    ATLAFlame Banned Member

    I have run into this a lot when I'm helping people online, they're happy to take from me when they need my support, but if *i* ever need support or they simply don't need my support anymore I'm usually the person that gets told to get stuffed, it varies really from me getting blocked to being told outright to 'fuck off'
    It does hurt, am i really only worth being used to stay alive then not worth being friends with? I kinda want to continue helping even those that are unnecessarily unpleasant to me because I'm just that sort of person
     
  9. Leah

    Leah Member

    I think that it isnt because people are selfish they have forgotten how to communicate with each other. They dont realize they are being rude when they ignore your messages or forget about something important. I have a cousin that does this to me all the time. I just rather take her in small doses anyway because of this. I am not very old and I love using technology and whatever but social media has really screwed up communication between people. If I want to talk to someone I have to message them on facebook first otherwise they will just ignore it all day. Eh, sorry I am complaining >.>
     
  10. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I don't know if everyone is, I'm pretty selfless but I think I tend to attract people who are selfish and only want to take. Certain people, the types who are users, will target those who are kind and giving because they think we will tolerate it. As long as we don't let them take advantage of us, they won't. At some point you have to put yourself ahead of others, because you are the most important person in your life.