The last time I wrote here i was in great spirits. Optimistic and filled with... Hope. Now it's a different time and another place. It's been a year of this Isolation , check Depression, checkj Drug abuse, check My life has become static. And I go to sleep banking on the potential of tomorrow, but I wake up and the thought of life without weed is unbearable, while at the same time,life as a drug addict is relatively impossible to imagine. My kid self would hate my grown up self. Loser loser Loser I would say,(I'm very judgmental) I'm so lazy and the parts in control will not change. And I feel crazy even saying that, splitting myself into parts like some psychopath. But it's true. There is this constant battle surrounding me. I'm frustrated with how much time it takes me just to sort my head out each day. I dream about devoting my life to the " greater good" but I don't do It. For months I've just been sleeping and smoking and fucking around all day. I panic about the world going to shit, and don't know how to stop it. I panic about my life going to shit and don't know how to stop it. My vision of the future has changed and now I can't find a happy place to move towards. The Job and marriage and normal life seems....trivial, selfish, and most of all impossible. All I can see are days of this depravity. Ad there is this depraved yet very logical side of me, that says, " we're all random, in this world, and there I no solid reason for me to be here as opposed to anyone else. And I should just be thakfull. To be alive and stop spending so much time in my own head Help others Sacrifice because personal happiness is about as hard to come by as an outlet on an amish farm. You wait And you wait and at the end you either say, that was worth it, or it wasn't. Does anyone else feel guilty about being suicidal? I want to shake out my brain and start over. To get through 24 hours without traveling to the Far end extensions of existence only to snap back to this miserable reality.