Is it all in my head?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Goneofftrack, Sep 17, 2013.

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  1. Goneofftrack

    Goneofftrack Member

    Hi there, Im a newbie here. I got R**** when I was 18, I was virgin at the time and my bf was violent and drunk. So anywho ,4 years later after years of counselling and my inner work on myself, Im still struggling I don't get why. I didn't get a STD or I did get knocked up, so ya< edit mod triggering>and got a few brusies, it only happened twice to me.

    Im getting so angry with myself cuz I finally found a guy that I adore and he treats me like a princess and we get on so well together. He is always trying to find ways to make me smile, and gives me cute warm cuddle, that make all my troubles go away. But as soon as I have sex with him, I fall apart. Since we starting being sexually active which was 5 months ago, I get into my head I need morning after pill, my thoughts become scary about him. * Hey what are you doing, anybody you ever let a guy into your life, his changed and treated you badly, its only a matter of time with him* My bf has gone of his way to show how much he cares for me, and has never given me any warning signs to say his bad news. So what is wrong with me? I am paranoid, am I consciously being self destructive trying to put dents in the relationship, so I wont get hurt. Im getting flashbacks too and my anxiety lasting for nearly 3 days. I just cant make sense of why this is happening? What is wrong with me. Has anybody ever had this experience?? :ballchain::noidea:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2013
  2. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    There is nothing wrong with you at all, its natural to be protective over yourself after experiences that you have been through. If it hasn't bothered him so far, then he is good, and you need to find ways to work with him to make you feel more comfortable with it. If you dont feel ready, then I am sure he would understand.

    Take your time with it, and if nothing happens straight away dont get angry with yourself. Be patient, and as you slowly build your trust up in him, it may feel more relaxed, with ledd thoughts on whats happening.
     
  3. Goneofftrack

    Goneofftrack Member

    thank you ;(
     
  4. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I concur with FailingHope.

    Something you are likely to be uncomfortable with, in that experience, does take time. And I like the sound of your current partner - he reminds me of what I've been like with my better half. Patient, comforting, and understanding - all which could help, given time, reduce the flashbacks with more sensitive and comforting approaches to a tough aspect of life for victims of that particular crime.

    Work with him, yes, but also allow him to work with you. If it feels right at the time, it's likely to feel better. And from what i've been told, if managed properly, it can release positive flows of endorphines - useful for pulling through a difficult issue.
     
  5. Beautiful Hope

    Beautiful Hope Active Member

    I have never been R**** but I do have an ex-husband that was extremely verbally abusive & extremely controlling of all my actions & even everything I ate. I left him 4 years ago. I still have to struggle daily to not expect my current husband to turn into my ex. I have to consciously tell myself, "He's not Joe (my ex). He's not going to call you names & tell you you're useless. He's not going to be angry with you for not washing the dishes today & threaten to hit you. He's not going to change. You've known him for a long time. You know him. He's not Joe."

    This is almost daily. Try not to beat yourself up over feeling this way. It's expected after a traumatic experience. But you should try telling yourself "he's not that man. He's not going to treat me that way. He's good to me & he makes me smile. I deserve that. He's not going to hurt me." I hope that helps.:hugtackles:
     
  6. Goneofftrack

    Goneofftrack Member

    fighting the tide, im sigining up for PTSD therapy, i start 2moro actually. Why didnt they teach us how to cope with thing like in college, and why isnt there a manual to show a victim how to cope. I joined a website called pandys.org specifically for survivors of sexual abuse. I want to highlight that word survivor, anybody who is a member on this website is a survivor, we have overcome or are working through some really dark times, but we are still here fighting to get our lives on track. Fighting the tide, you mentioned I should work with him, sorry if I sound stupid, but i have no idea how to do that, do you mean communicate with him through my body lanaguage or talk to him after being intimate. It really more after I feel like falling apart, not straight away a few hours later. Beautiful hope im so very sorry. Im training in social work, and my student placement was working with women and children of domestic violence. Abuse is abuse, physical, emotional, sexual and neglect they are equally damaging to a person. Those * men* never change, but its never the women fault, im glad to hear you found a man that does treat you well, make you feel happy and secure you deserve that. Everybody deserves to feel loved. * maslow hierachy of needs* * I cant fix all your problems, but I will be here to listen and you dont have go through this on your own*
     
  7. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Communication is key towards "working with someone" whether it's him to you or you to him - ask him to respect boundaries if you feel bad a few hours after any intimate activity. Put forth some suggestions of what you would like to do/how you would like to work through it, and talk through it with him. If he's anything like me - he'd listen and not be annoyed or aggrieved at being asked to stop at any point.
     
  8. Karissa17

    Karissa17 New Member

    Yeah im kinda in a similar, not the same, situation, im 14, and a 36 yr old guy raped me and took my virginity and in the same summer a 15 yr old boy raped me also, this was this past summer in 2013, ive been with my bf now for almost a month, we already had sex so i guess that doesnt help with my doubts because it happened so quickly but i can honestly say im in love with this guy, and like im just reallh scared, it took me like 3weeks longer than him to be able to say i love you to him and stuff, i explained to him that ive had a rough past (not only rape, obviously) and like self harm, eating disorders, drug abuse, attempting suicide, etc, and like the fact thaat hedidnt leave after i told him all of that was when i pretty much fell in love with him, when i showe him the scars on my wrists and he looked me in the eyes and said i love you, beautiful and kissed my forehead, that was the first time i ever said it back to him, i guess what im gettting at is like i think i feel similar to how you feel, like i tell him i dont want to lose him and i ask him not to break my heart and stuff like i dont know if ill be able tonhandel that, hes the first guy to ever have sex with me and stay, although the other 2 guys ive "had sex" with, wasnt technaclly sex, it was assault. Lol. Not funny, but hey, dont let the past ruien ur future i guess. :) im really tierd and this is long so im just wrapig it up, :p
     
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