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Is it bad that I want cancer?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pogosticker, Apr 5, 2012.

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  1. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    I found a hard lump on one of my testicles. Been there for a while, but I was too embarrassed to get it checked out. I noticed it has got bigger, so the other day I got examined by the doctor and he said it's probably nothing to worry about, possibly just trapped sperm or something. But he's booked me in for an ultrasound scan to find out.

    Is it weird that I'm hoping it is actually cancer? I actually took up smoking, back when I was too chicken to kill myself, as I was hoping it'd lead to lung cancer. My mother died of cancer so i figure my chances of having/getting it are increased more than the average person. I'm happy-ish with my life right now.. but part of me, I don't think will ever shake the urge to end my life. I mean, right now I'm not suicidal.. but I'm not bothered if I die or not. And I like staying in hospital.. I don't know why, maybe it's the having no worries/responsibilities, just sitting in bed in a gown, watching TV, eating, and making friends with the nurses/patients.. most people hate hospitals, but I kind of like them.

    Like I said.. I'm not suicidal currently. But I just find the thought of getting cancer appealing. At least that way it'd be a natural illness that killed me, not me ending my life.

    That probably sounds fucked up given my mother died of it... guess it's fucked up anyway, regardless.
  2. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords Eρεβος/Νύξ

    I don't think it's fucked up. I've wished many times before that I would get some sort of terminal disease. That way I'd finally have a really good reason to kill myself. I wouldn't want to die from cancer because it's quite an agonizing death but having it would give me reason enough to end my own life before my disease progresses. The only bad thing about that is what if you change your mind and things do get better one day? Then you'd wish you didn't have it anymore. With cancer it doesn't really matter though because it's not something you can just wish upon yourself. You have no control over whether it does or doesn't happen. I wouldn't recommend a suicidal person to actively go around trying to get something like HIV, though...because that's something one does have a significant amount of influence over. Death is a really permanent thing and you may change your mind about what you want, you never know. So don't do anything you might regret someday. Don't purposely sabotage yourself or your life.
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I don't know, I suppose that it depends on the one with it, or one nearby. I had an uncle die from cancer, who would given anything for one more day, even with all its pain. Then I had a cousin with supposedly everything to live for, including possibly 30-40 more years of life, and he chose to end it early.

    But I've also wished that a broken heart was fatal.

    There's some kind of line there, but I'm not the one to draw it.
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I always thought that if I had something seriously wrong with me, it wouldn't bother me. But when I did get diagnosed poorly in February, I reacted very badly. I became numb and it has affected my life in various ways. It hasn't limited me to what I thought it would however in the job department I am met with restrictions. However I view myself differently. I have days where I feel like I am the most digusting, vile piece of shit on earth because of my disease. But I can't change it and I have to live with it. Be careful what you wish for, because although we may not be scared of death or being seriously ill, it has various other impacts emotionally and physically which are not pleasant.
  5. Ldub20

    Ldub20 Well-Known Member

    I've been hoping for that kind of thing as well. I'd rather have a terminal illness than keep watching things go the opposite of my way.
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Oh Dubby stop with all this wishing for a terminal illness bullshit. I find it rather offensive.
  7. Ldub20

    Ldub20 Well-Known Member

    Didn't mean to upset you. If it makes you feel any better you won't have to hear me spout my bullshit in a week. I'll be in a casket then.
  8. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Don't try and guilt trip me. it won't work. You knwo what you have to do but you just won't do it. Go seek some proper help, it would benefit you much more than this state you have worked yourself into over the past few months.
  9. Ldub20

    Ldub20 Well-Known Member

    I ain't trying to guilt trip you. Although if I could make whatever doesn't go my way suffer i wouldn't feel the need to kill myself.
  10. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I don't think we should hijack the OP's thread, so if you want to discuss this further with me, pm me.
  11. aussiegal

    aussiegal Well-Known Member

    I understand what you mean about staying in hospital. I find the thought of hospital stays ok. On the surface it means that someone else can have responsibility of keeping me safe for a while which is a nice thought because it feels so exhausting having to fight to do it myself each and everyday. Whenever I am feeling exhausted from the fight I often wish I was laying in a hospital bed with someone else to look after me.

    Not sure about the wishing for cancer thing... I guess my longing to end things is a longing to end the pain so moving to another kind of long and agonizing pain doesn't quite fit. Sounds like more hard work. But then I often feel like I have no reason to feel so down all the time. Like my feelings aren't justified. So I can relate when you say it would give you a reason. In one of my more rational moments, I guess its important to remind you as others have reminded me... that depression is itself an illness. We don't actually need a more serious reason to justify the way we are feeling. Sometimes I feel bad because I am sitting around all depressed and hating absolutely everyone and everything and I get angry at myself because I think there are so many people worse off than I who have nothing and they don't complain and yet here I am and I can't change the way I feel. But you know what... I can't change the way I feel because I have an illness that has control over me. I need to work hard to gain some of that control back. I don't need to spend time justifying why I feel so bad while others carry on. (This kind of thinking doesn't always work for me... but so many people keep telling me its true so I guess it must be???)

    Take care. Hang in there!!
  12. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I am much like you, I want cancer. I wish I was in your situation... so if you are messed up... then I am worse.
  13. BlondRedHead

    BlondRedHead Well-Known Member

    OMG that's so prefect you posted this. I was just walking up to my house preparing for another night alone and thought to myself. "When I go in for my follow up check up to make sure I don't have Ovarian Cancer, I hope I have it." At least then I could just die and not have to worry about how to end it or make my family suffer with me having killed myself. I logged on to post something along that line and saw your post.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2012
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I've watched someone die of cancer, and they suffered immensely.

    I agree with the statement "be careful what you wish for." Also, be careful what you post. There are so many people who have had their lives destroyed by cancer, and who would give anything NOT to have it. Reading comments like the ones posted in this thread would be pretty upsetting for those individuals, and also for people who have lost loved ones to cancer. I think it's highly inappropriate to post.
  15. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    It is but.. I seriously don't think people mean they want Cancer cancer. They want to die, and cancer is a way to dying that is out of their hands. People may want to die and use cancer or other terminal illnesses to explain that pain inside. It's completely irrational to think that, and to want it. And that's sorta the point. It can be a way of escaping the reality of their life by connecting with a deathly reality if just for a moment.
    The only reason Im posting is because I think I went through something very similar. Not cancer, but death by another means. But in crappy point, what I realized quickly is that the more you focus on this want, the more you are draining from your overall positive outlook on your life. It's not a want for cancer, it's a want to die, and you want to die via cancer, or any other terminal illness or way. It's easy to say stop, that's rediculous, you're only hurting yourself, it's in appriopriate, it's counterproductive ect. They're all right points. But when it comes to how people feel, they're mute points until you start opening yourself up again.

    Nobody here wants you to have cancer or die. And to be honest this problem isn't ... well actually why do you think you want to have cancer? Can you talk to anyone about it? You'll find part of it may veer towards wanting a purpose to your life or reason to live or reason to die. Something to stop whats going on or has gone on. Or any number of things... but the point is it's thoughts and feelings. Much like everything else, you can overcome it. And as much as it can feel better to want it, it's always good to ground yourself with some reality. Saying you want cancer is just like saying you want to be hit lightning, minus the suffering. It's just your language and connection to wanting to die. It's a fucker when that connection is related to specific suffering in other people. All I can say is, this way of thinking and connecting needs to either be faced with some reality so you can try to express more precisely what youre feeling, or not. Or it needs to be explored so you can stop anchoring to it. But that's more of a social taboo when talking about it with people. (and an extremely real sensitive issues for people whom have suffered, who are and people who know others whom have suffered).

    Regardless, it is inappriopriate. It's unhealthy, it's this it's that. Much like any spiraling out part of life that's trying to compensate as best as it can. It's a bit off someone telling you what you can and cannot think or feel. I think when people tell you it's inappriopriate, it's because they believe in the future for you, and that this way of thinking even for a moment clouds and drains alot of parts of your life. .. I hope you talk your way through to the things buried beneath those statments.

    All in all, I hope the ultrasound goes fine. Post again if youre feeling like this, it may help you deal with perhaps how you view the situation.
    Best wishes x
  16. 1112222

    1112222 Well-Known Member

    To be honest whenever I hear someone say something along the lines of oh I wish I had cancer (or any other debilitating illness) etc I can't help but think what a dick.

    Nothing is worse than having to see a loved one or friend suffer a slow and painful death due to cancer.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2012
  17. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Comes with the territory when you're talking with other people. But when it's just yourself, it may not be dickish. The reasons for someone wanting "terminal illness" are going to be unique(irrational to more understandable). Some may have been exposed to that method by no action of their own, and it's been inprinted into them at a time when they were suffering and it was the only mental or connective release for how they are feeling at the time. Or at some point in their life, how they defined cancer is a bit skewed, so when theyre life is at a low, they connect with something else that's low, but that can liberate them from the current shit in their life. Again, it is inappriopriate. Socially. Respectively. Inappriopriate is the beginning and the end for this topic, but what's gone off after that point, what the person feels or thinks about related to this point is going to be just as open as someone saying they want to jump off a cliff or .."insert next method of dying".
    The language is inappriopriate. SOmetimes the connection is just plainly stupid aswell... but sometimes they're "justified". But I will agree, it is not something you ever want to have going off regularly. Once is a big shiner that you have lots of thoughts or feelings that you need to talk about and deal with. Repeatidly? It's loseing the plot and connection with other people. But again, mute points to more internal points. It's just a difficult compromise to expressing how you feel inside, by using something that is so widespread and deadly.
  18. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords Eρεβος/Νύξ

    Well then I guess half the people who posted in this thread are dicks. But that's okay, because that's only by your standards.

    Just because someone doesn't want something and thinks it's horrible doesn't mean that if someone else DOES want it, it makes them a bad person.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2012
  19. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    cancer = profound physical suffering. Are you sure you wish this for yourself, and those who might love you? Because the physical pain of cancer, which is extreme, does not replace the emotional pain. It often augments it. I do hope you will change your mind about wishing this on any living being. Wishing you well
  20. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Spot on.

    As I said in my OP, my MOTHER DIED OF CANCER. She suffered for a long time, till her body couldn't take it any more. I would give anything for her to still be alive, and have never went through that. But this isn't about her or anyone else who has the disease, or lost someone from it. This is about ME. Pretty much everyone here is suicidal, right? Are you ALL dicks, by your logic? Wishing for death when there were happy, young people having the time of their lives, who suddenly had their life taken from them, due to no fault of their own?
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