I found a hard lump on one of my testicles. Been there for a while, but I was too embarrassed to get it checked out. I noticed it has got bigger, so the other day I got examined by the doctor and he said it's probably nothing to worry about, possibly just trapped sperm or something. But he's booked me in for an ultrasound scan to find out. Is it weird that I'm hoping it is actually cancer? I actually took up smoking, back when I was too chicken to kill myself, as I was hoping it'd lead to lung cancer. My mother died of cancer so i figure my chances of having/getting it are increased more than the average person. I'm happy-ish with my life right now.. but part of me, I don't think will ever shake the urge to end my life. I mean, right now I'm not suicidal.. but I'm not bothered if I die or not. And I like staying in hospital.. I don't know why, maybe it's the having no worries/responsibilities, just sitting in bed in a gown, watching TV, eating, and making friends with the nurses/patients.. most people hate hospitals, but I kind of like them. Like I said.. I'm not suicidal currently. But I just find the thought of getting cancer appealing. At least that way it'd be a natural illness that killed me, not me ending my life. That probably sounds fucked up given my mother died of it... guess it's fucked up anyway, regardless.