Every day I wake up and two things run through my mind... 1: damn I actually woke up and have to suffer through yet another day. 2. OK what do I have to do to make it through this god awful day? This has been an awful cycle for the past 5 years. So you can probably understand when I say I am so tired of fighting. I'm so tired of forcing myself to be stronger than this demon in my mind. The one that constantly tells me "I'm a failure, I will never be good enough, I'm a screw up, I'll never get anything right, I'm ugly, I'm worthless, no one cares what I have to say, I'll never amount to anything, I'm an awful mother (oh wait I've actually been told that by my ex), so on and so forth". I am a self harmer although lately people have been asking me if it helps...what the hell that is supposed to accomplish I don't know. But honestly cutting or beating myself up is better than the alternative. What scares me is that not only do I want to hurt myself but every thing I look at is seen as a way to end it. Every where I go I look at how I can put into action one of my many plans. I don't know how long I can continue to be strong...it feels like every day my defenses are getting weaker and weaker. I got the smart idea on Friday to write out a goodbye letter to my son so that I could explain to him what was going on and I wrote out a last will and testament and then sent them to my mom. Let's just say that was not the smartest move on my part. My mom called my psych Dr. who then called the police who came to my house and took me to the crisis center. Thankfully I could convince them enough that I didn't have to go to the hospital. Unfortunately I still feel as bad as I did last week.