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Is it ever going to end?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mel2809, Sep 23, 2014.

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  1. Mel2809

    Mel2809 Active Member

    Every day I wake up and two things run through my mind...
    1: damn I actually woke up and have to suffer through yet another day.
    2. OK what do I have to do to make it through this god awful day?
    This has been an awful cycle for the past 5 years. So you can probably understand when I say I am so tired of fighting. I'm so tired of forcing myself to be stronger than this demon in my mind. The one that constantly tells me "I'm a failure, I will never be good enough, I'm a screw up, I'll never get anything right, I'm ugly, I'm worthless, no one cares what I have to say, I'll never amount to anything, I'm an awful mother (oh wait I've actually been told that by my ex), so on and so forth". I am a self harmer although lately people have been asking me if it helps...what the hell that is supposed to accomplish I don't know. But honestly cutting or beating myself up is better than the alternative. What scares me is that not only do I want to hurt myself but every thing I look at is seen as a way to end it. Every where I go I look at how I can put into action one of my many plans. I don't know how long I can continue to be strong...it feels like every day my defenses are getting weaker and weaker.
    I got the smart idea on Friday to write out a goodbye letter to my son so that I could explain to him what was going on and I wrote out a last will and testament and then sent them to my mom. Let's just say that was not the smartest move on my part. My mom called my psych Dr. who then called the police who came to my house and took me to the crisis center. Thankfully I could convince them enough that I didn't have to go to the hospital. Unfortunately I still feel as bad as I did last week.
  2. howardTX

    howardTX Active Member

    Not judging because I don't know anything more than what you wrote.. but why did you convince them you didn't need to stay, at least for a little while? I have never been in that predicament so I don't know what I would do. (probably the same thing.. I HAVE had hospital food before. Come on, smile. it's true!) People always say to "keep fighting the good fight" but I am a little like you... there are times when I just get tired and don't want to continue. It is so... ironic? I don't know the word but I would NEVER want someone to resort to ending their life... yet... it is totally an option for me. That note to your son must have been hard. I have written many notes, etc on my computer but keep them well hidden. I go back and forth telling myself they would be SO much better without me -- then back to.. well, I always hear how devastated people are after someone does that. Of course then I feel selfish, more depression... you know how it goes. I hope you can go back to your psych Dr. and work some of this out some more. I know it will take work but there are some times I do think staying around is worth it.
    Take Care!
  3. random33

    random33 Well-Known Member

    First of all be honest with your doctor, tell him how you really feel, he may help you better if he has all the details.

    I understand what you feel, depression twists our minds in a very scary way, we just have to be stronger and seek all the help we can find. I too want to give up sometimes, so many times, life seems unberable, we just want peace, we want the pain to stop, so we tell ourselfs lies, I tell myself that my life is as good as it's ever going to get, I have a job a loving family, a great girfriend, friends and yet I feel miserable, I try to convince myself that is all going downhill from here, that things will never get better so I should just go, stop the suffering, whats the point of hanging on if it is only going to get worse ? It's a struggle but I know that these are all lies, that there are several reasons to hang on, that things can and will be better, that I can help people, that I can make the world a little better.

    So please hang in there, be honest with your doctor seek the help of your family and know that what your mind is telling you are lies, plain and simple.

    We are here for you, fighting the same demons.
  4. Danialla

    Danialla Well-Known Member

    I don't know if my first response was deleted or I just messed up the posting.....Anyway, I am glad that you have a Pdoc, but you need to be honest about what you are feeling so they can try to help. I know this sounds like radical treatment, but ECT has saved my life. I still take medication but the ECT is what pulled me out of my suicidal depression. Please talk to your drs, tell them how you are feeling, what you are doing with respect to the self harming and explore all your treatment options. Good luck and take care of yourself.
  5. Mel2809

    Mel2809 Active Member

    To all who have posted in response to my post...1st I am honest with my psych Dr and my therapist. Believe me I could very well have hidden the beautiful bruises I gave myself, but I didn't because I do believe that if I am not honest I am not going to get the best treatment for my challenges. That being said I have been telling my Dr for several months now that I don't believe my meds are working...his response was well we could just stop them all together (I just realized how terrible that sounds). If I'm doing this badly on them I can't begin to imagine how bad things would be if I'm not taking my anti depressants. Not to mention I have been on practically every anti depressant out there with no luck.
    2: the main reason I didn't want to be hospitalized is because it will give my ex ammunition against me and reason to limit my visitations with my son. And as I have said before he is the only thing that keeps me going most days so it would tear me apart if my visitations were limited. I know that if I need it I should get the help I need and not worry about the after affects...but that is me...I analize every decision I make and not only how it will affect me but those around me and not just today or tomorrow but months down the road.
    Sorry I know that was very long winded.
  6. Danialla

    Danialla Well-Known Member

    Your Dr sounds like an ass in my humble opinion. No Dr should threaten to stop your meds al together just because you feel they are not working. That's their time to shine, tweak those meds and make them work. All the treatments I know can be down out patient too. Good luck.
  7. random33

    random33 Well-Known Member

    I agree with Danialla and think you should change doctors, stoping all medication at once is terrible advice, anyone who has been on withdrawal knows this, the symptoms are horrible and can be life threatning, so I don't want to believe any doctor could ever suggest this, maybe he is talking about tappering down the medication, it makes a bit more sense, but it is still not the best of ideias considering that you are not stable yet.
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