Is it fair?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by ĹốŞŧβōΨž, May 1, 2009.

  1. Is it really fair to expect someone to love me when i cant love myself, sure i still fancy women but everytime one tries to get close i dont want them too because i am afraid they may see the real me inside. The me that wants to die doesnt care about myself, how can i expect someone to love or care about me when i dont?

    Is it really fair to drag someone throw my pain what right as a human do i have to expect someone to understand and support me? isnt this my mess and is it not down to me to fix it?

    I never want to hurt anyone i hate the thought of someone being upset because of something i said or did, it makes me angry at myself.

    I tried hiding it in the past, but have you ever laid next to someone feeling alone yet they are in your arms and all you want to do is tell them how you feel:sad:??
  2. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    I think that people will love you no matter how you feel about yourself but you won't be able to accept that love and feel loved if you don't love yourself, but just because you don't know how to feel it, it doesn't mean that they don't love you. Instead of accepting love, I get confused as to why and fear when they discover that I'm not loveable. To me, the loneliest feeling is feeling alone while in the company of people that love me.
  3. The problem is i have been told i am unlovable because i tried to kill myself i know i shouldnt have but i was so on edge

    I think i am best left being alone some people are meant to be on there own why shouldnt i deserve it
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Nothing is written in stone. I understand your morals yet even if you can't or are unable to love yourself, other people will still love you (Family, friends, Girlfriend).
  5. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    wow...I can so relate to your post...I feel exactly like that...I wonder why would people love me if I can't love myself...what do they see in me? and I'm always afraid that if they knew the real me...they would be disgusted...

    I think I'm broken when it comes to relationships...I can't seem to let anyone too close...

    I wish I had solutions for that...other than keep trying...I keep trying and hoping that one day I'll find someone just for me...I guess I'm that foolish lol
  6. I think i question it too much do they love me because i am trying to be normal, can i trust them if i told them really how i feel i dont know if i could trust again.

    And i still get stuck with the same question, what right do i have to tell someone i am messed up, its my problem not anyone elses.

    In the past i knew someone who didnt tell me there problems to to often because they were worried it would trigger me.

    I guess like u say u just have to keep trying, but i am too tired to try
  7. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    Honestly, I would think that I'm a really fucked up individual if I ever thought a person is unlovable because they attempted suicide, and that's saying a lot since I don't have the best self-esteem, I can say I'm ugly, dumb, etc...but hell if I'm going to say that I'm such an awful cad as to dislike a person that is in so much pain that they tried to end their life...I'm sorry, but I would rather be alone that to have friends that are so callous.
  8. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    I think know what you mean. If you have to be fake or if you try so hard to be like-able, who would like me if I can't put forth that effort and be good enough, right?

    How dare you burden people with your problems, right? But what if someone wants to be there for your problems. What if it give that person pleasure to know that they are actively caring for someone they love? When my friend was struggling with getting an abortion and when she told me after the worst was over, I felt bad for not being there for her. I felt like I wasn't a good friend because she couldn't come to me and I wasn't there for her so if someone loves you and wants to help you but you worry too much about burdening them, you also deny them the chance to express their love for you which brings them joy, as well as helping you. You kind of know what triggers are and if you have a friend that is massively triggered by certain topics, you aren't such an insensitive or clueless person that you'll not care and be all about me, me, me.
  9. I just dont think i am capable of getting that close to someone, i just dont think i could explain myself knowing that i have tried so hard to get better and nothing has worked, knowing that if i failed they would blame themselves.

    The fact that you felt guilt you werent there for your friend proves you are a caring person if you didnt care you wouldnt have felt so bad?

    I guess i dont feel like i have anything i can offer anyone
  10. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    I get not feeling the ability to be close to someone. Do you feel like you owe it to a person to tell them about all your issues, give them fair warning? If so, why?

    If you think that I'm such a caring person, do you feel like you have people in your life that you also think are caring? Honestly, my feelings with my friend are pretty normal, I think, so I am wondering if you think my sense of normal is skewed or perhaps you don't have anyone in your life right now that you feel is a caring person.

    I know you say that you have nothing to offer anyone but you have offered me company and comfort during some pretty bad names even though I'm a newcomer. I can't help but to think that you give more when the person talking to you is in front of your face, without the limitation of geography and resorting the the internet.
  11. Advent

    Advent Well-Known Member

    Same here, I have been single for the last 25 years, only because I am too scared what others may think.

    I have now resigned myself to being a lonely old bugger till I die. I dont dwell on that too much, it doesnt really bother me. I could not begin to explain to someone how I feel and I would not wish to upset folks by telling them so.

    I just have myself and my 3 wonderful dogs, they are all I need to be happy.

  12. I dunno maybe i just want to find someone who excepts me for who i am who believes in me, but isn't that what we all want. For them to know i might go a bit crazy and cut myself/not eat feel low, but to know its not them letting me down its just a part of me.

    I dont think i have anyone who cares, most of the time i am at work the people who are my 'friends' are emailing me or talking to me about there problems-which i dont mind i just know if i said guess what i cut my arm to shreds last night then stared at the blood all night trying to work out what triggered it, i know they would run a mile and not talk to me again. I know probably not the best friends i have but its the closest i have.

    Those who really know me have either died or walked out of my life-i dont blame the latter.

    I struggle talking face to face, here i know i canhde myself walk away if i feel sad cry and not full dumb for crying get angry at myself. I guess when you have had the door slammed in your face so many times you stop trying.
  13. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    When you guys say that you have nothing to offer anyone, do you mean that you are toxic--bad for someone?
  14. Yes pretty much what it means, what can i give someone secruity? not a chance because i can only live day to day and i dont know if i want to be here tomorrow
  15. Advent

    Advent Well-Known Member

    I think the word toxic is perhaps a bit strong, but for me , why should I burden someone else with my problems, geez life is hard enough without taking on someone else`s baggage.

    I dont mind now about being single anymore, I used to be concerned, but as time passed it somehow didnt really have any significance to me.

    Also, almost all of my friends who got married are now divorced, and are saying that being single again is the best thing that ever happened. Its not for everyone I agree but I am happy with what I have and if someone comes along then fine, but I am not actively looking.
  16. yeah i can relate to the first time i guess i am at the age (25) were most of my friends are either in stable relationships or getting married, so i am questioning these things. But that offered a lot of comfort thank you
  17. Advent

    Advent Well-Known Member

    Well you do have age on your side at least. Myself being in my mid 40`s is a bit harder, only due to the fact that I dont DO pubs and clubs - never have done and I dont get out much (as the saying goes). All my previuos relationships were always short lived, fun whilst they lasted mind....

    I think there is a lot of pressure from peers to get a partner and to get settled down, however with marriges on the decline and more and more folks living alone , I do think the winds of change are beginning to blow.

    Please do not worry about being single, actually it can be an advantage being single.
  18. I think i have realised thinking about this is i cant be with anyone if i cant fix myself-i simply dont deserve to put that on someone,

    Like you made the point more and more people are breaking up, what chance is there with the scars i carry.

    If i cant fix myself then i deserve to be alone and at least this way noone gets hurt but me.
  19. Zurkhardo

    Zurkhardo Well-Known Member

    I feel like I'm just not boyfriend material. I have so many issues with my own personal security and masculinity, so why should expect someone of the opposite gender to put up with it? Nowadays, especially with this ego-driven society, one cannot expect others to inconvenience themselves.
  20. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Blah blah blah blah blah

    Stop talking and listen to me, now ! :laugh:

    Jesus christ nobody is that unlovable but everyone has brought up great points. Regardless of how we view ourselves and our flaws there will always be some sucker out there to have feelings for us. Even if we don't know it, they're there. SO what does that mean for your moral responsibilities to others?

    Well it means you can't shit around the fact that you are loved by somebody. Hell even if its just your dear mama, she's somebody who cares so accept it. You are part of the human race. Now theres a good chance people who aren't your parents also like you. Even if you are the worst human being on the planet someone probably likes you. And that means that they see a virtue in you that you cannot. Instead of shying away from that fact stick to it and use it as a tool for raising your ego. It's not selfish believe me.

    Romantic love is of course different. Romantic love is about committing to another person and loving them. Love is not an emotion but rather an action. If you are incapable of going through the action of helping another person live a happier lifestyle then you should not romantically date somebody. But that doesn't mean that just because today you're focusing on yourself you'll be doomed to do so for the rest of your days.

    I know depression is hard to see through, but with cognitive therapy and friends you'll begin to realize that you are a worthwhile person. And other people aren't so damn great as to be above you. I hate the fatalist approach to love. Seriously, if you want to see just how lovable you are, try talking to somebody each day.

    Start small. An extra word to a person of the opposite gender in a serving role - i.e. a clerk or cashier. Then just a smile. Once a day call a friend and ask them how THEY're doing. If you change your behavior you'll realize that you aren't alone in this world. Don't give up on love. and don't put yourself in a fatalist position where you think you'll never be able to love.

    Everybody here is pretty smart and articulate. So don't count yourselves out. Because loving people is the only thing that makes this miserable world worth saving.