Is it forgiveable?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bigal838, Mar 10, 2014.

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  1. bigal838

    bigal838 New Member

    After recently telling my sister and ex girlfriend about my thoughts of suicide (including telling each of them how I'd recently visited a gun shop for the worst reason possible and proving it by sending each of them pictures of the <mod edit - method> I was considering buying), I got two VERY DIFFERENT reactions.
    My sister has been in constant contact with me to check up on me and encourage me to get professional help and has shown me MUCH love and support.
    The ex girlfriend however, even though she has told me things that have meant quite a bit to me like, " I will always have a special place in my heart for you. "
    (told to me in an email on 2/26) and " I wanted to let you know I will always care about you " (just 3 days ago) has told me that she will not help me even though I've reached the absolute low point of my entire life because she " needs a break from me " and " I DO care about what you are going through right now but I cant handle the emotional stress ". I have told her that if she could just spare a couple hours a month to spend time with me it would help A HELLUVA LOT.
    That made no difference to her and she apparently is willing to take the chance that I may, indeed, kill myself while she is " taking a break from me ".

    Her reaction has been probably the most hurtful thing that anyone has said to me in the last 20 years (maybe longer).
    To say that I have been ABSOLUTELY FLOORED by her unwillingness to just spend a few hours a month with me to make me feel loved would be an understatement. She told me that 4 days ago and I haven't been able to get it off my mind. To the point where I had to leave work today because thinking about it caused me to have an all out panic attack.

    My question is this: is her attitude and lack of willingness to help me during this VERY DESPERATE time for me forgiveable?
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2014
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am glad your sister is supporting you and is willing to be there for you.

    So far as the second response - I do not believe she has done anything that would require forgiveness in anyway because I do not believe she has done anything wrong at all. Aside from the fact that she is your EX , so no longer in an actual relationship with you except as a friend so in no way obligated to anything at all - what you did and what you are asking is very unfair. She is your ex- and nobody is obligated to love you or show you love, particularly somebody that the status of relationship in being ex implies she is no longer in love you. In her notes she says care , not love , yet you are upset because she does not want to show you love. In other words you are mad because she does not love you. What you did is blackmail - pure emotional blackmail - to try to coerce her into feelings or actions that are not real. To be honest, if you thought about it I am quite certain you do not want fake feelings or adoration either. If I were in her position , and when somebody attempts to put me in that position, the only thing I do is put distance between us because nobody has a right to manipulate or coerce feelings, in any manner, much less a way like that.

    You need to seek help from people that are trained in crisis intervention for times that are an actual crisis and therapy or medical support for other times while you work through this period and try to get better and find happiness again. This is a good place to get peer support and affirmation that your suicidal feelings are real from people that understand, and place to just talk and let things out, or get hints in how other people cope with suicidal feelings, but you can't use your suicidal feelings to coerce attention and love from others. Not only is it unfair, but it will be very short term and fake, leaving you on a roller coaster of wondering why everybody disappears from you when you need support- but the reason is simple- you did not get the support freely , you coerced it.
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