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Is it genuine?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by SynthEtiquette, Dec 20, 2008.

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  1. SynthEtiquette

    SynthEtiquette Active Member

    [Mods] I do apologise if this is posted in the wrong section. Forgive me.

    Foreword: Midway through typing this, I found the need to add this as a sort of... explanation, if you will. I tend to over-analyze things, and second guess myself. My apologies. Well, I'll try to keep this as linear as possible... bear with me.

    I've just recently gone away for a holiday, to my old home town.
    And I believe that's where the cause for this latest wave of "confusion" (my politically correct adaptation for uses such as "depression", "fear", "anxiety" and the like.)

    I am no longer certain of where Home is.
    Indeed, I feel I no longer know what home is.

    On top of that, (in fear of sounding pathetic/self-centered), I am having a great deal of trouble in establishing contact with people who have - up til recently - played a great part in my life. In defining who I am. In defining what I am.
    These people have simply moved on, walked away, or found something just that little bit more intriguing/worthwile.
    And as a result, I feel incredibly lost. Trying to define oneself amongst the masses is no small feat. Even now, there's an underlying feeling that I'm simply yet another down-and-out nobody, looking for attention. It's not really all that hard to believe, actually. Do I actually have a problem, and I'm in dire need of assistance, or am I just a silly psycho/pseudo hyperchondriac looking to meddle with people?

    I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I should do.
    I don't actually believe I'm suicidal (sure, the thought has crossed my mind, on many occasions, with genuine intent, but hey... I'm still here, aren't I?), it's more of... an apathetic view, I guess. I don't want to live, but I'm not so sure I want to die either.

    Now's the point at which I second-guess myself. Again.
    Perhaps I'm just another young male, in the throes of puberty, who is less able to cope with it than the majority of our demographic.

    Anyway, at this particular moment in time, I'm working off the viewpoint that I am indeed in need of help (I doubt I'd be here otherwise), and am actively searching for it.

    Which is a start, at least.

    I used to be dependant on drugs. Illicit drugs, not pharms.
    I managed to throw the habit/s unaided, and I don't think that was the wisest choice I could have made. Some people may have seen me as a stronger person for doing it solo. I don't think that's entirely true. I sinned. I was proud of myself, for managing to overcome that struggle, by myself. It's that pride, I think, that keeps me from asking for help on other issues. Because I'm perceived as "stronger than that". Keeping up appearances is what life is all about, is it not?

    And that's one of the main reasons I came to this site. Because there's no need to appear like I'm doing fine, when I really feel like things are falling to pieces around me. There's no need to lie, when I've nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I don't know anyone here, and no-one knows me.

    THAT makes it easier to blurt all this out. All this potentially nonsensical brainvomit.

    Although even now, I'm hiding behind certain... attributes, if you will. [EDIT: addition; after re-reading this, I noticed I sounded incredibly cocky. I do apologise, although have not edited any of the text]
    I guess, from an outsider's point of view, I'm attempting to hide behind my (what I like to think is at least a decent) vocabulary, masking things from readers who may not understand such words. (I loathe sounding like I'm blowing hot air here, and I sincerely apologise). I make light of what I say most times, to remove the sense that I may actually be serious.

    Help, if possible.
    Or, if I truly am simply whining and seeking attention in the wrong place, let it be known.

    Thanking you in advance,

    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2008
  2. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Allow me a moment to assure you of your ability to "blow hot air" here and more importantly, the right you hold to express your articulated struggles. Vocabulary , so long as you don't use phrases like, "I speculate that my obsession over freeways is simply synecdochical of my depression." You're fine. Hell, you're fine if you want to say that too :smile:

    People who read your posts will simply go, "sounds like an intelligent guy." Not so bad, in my mind.

    I'm sorry you're feeling isolated and disconnected with your family. I've just had the veil ripped away this past weekend. Living with depression for so long really convinces you that people are incapable of getting in touch with you, that you are doomed to live outside the world.

    Congratulations for getting of drugs, by the way!

    People with depression often feel the need to act as though everything's fine. I myself do that for months at a time before freaking out. SF is a great place to vent your feelings; what you're feeling is important, never dismiss it.

    just don't follow any stupid idea the emotion may bring up :tongue:

    Welcome to the site,

  3. SynthEtiquette

    SynthEtiquette Active Member

    I was going to argue the point of "family" with you, although friends are family you choose for yourself, and as such, I wouldn't really have a leg to stand on there.

    I had someone give me a call last night, after typing this.
    I'd had a little too much to drink, and doubt that she was actually able to understand a damned word I said, but I was thankful for the call nonetheless.
    It was completely out of the blue. She apparently had this "gut feeling" that something was wrong.
    I've never been one to think much of the visceral hunches that people claim to get.

    Anyway, she made some far-fetched connection between Life and a Lollipop.
    I can't remember exactly what she had said, although I couldn' help but feel that I was licking other people's shoes, instead of this metaphorical lollipop.
    Perhaps I just bit off more than I could chew, or perhaps I got kicked in the teeth.

    I've followed those "stupid ideas" from time to time. In the short term, it's an excellent remedy. But at best, it's only ever been a bandaid. At worst, it's led to needing stitches.

    (Three cheers for idiocy!)
  4. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Wow, loong posts. And very well worded. :) You have a real talent for words, SynthEtiquette
  5. SynthEtiquette

    SynthEtiquette Active Member

    Thank you Lena.
    It's one of the few things I'm genuinely confident about >.<
  6. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    i wish i could be as confident as you. apparently i'm good, though i can't say i believe it myself. i'm applying for a part time job in the local newspaper offices to write articles, but i'm adamant i won't get it.
    but you should be confident. you have a real talent :)
  7. SynthEtiquette

    SynthEtiquette Active Member

    That'd be an awesome position!
    I really hope you get it :)

    From what I've noticed, you've managed to get the basics right :p
    Wow, what section would you be working in?
  8. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Thanks :)

    Haha, thanks i think xD :tongue:
    I'm not totally sure. I applied with an article on the issues of tattoo's entitled; "A mutilation of the human body, or an expression of self?" Ideally i'd want to do articles on issues that raise debate, that go in the world today. That's what i do for my school paper anyway. So i at least have some semblance of experience in that area.
  9. SynthEtiquette

    SynthEtiquette Active Member

    I do love a good debate.
    I really hope you manage to nab the position!
  10. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Thank you :D
    Oh, and apologies for hijacking your thread, hehe.
  11. SynthEtiquette

    SynthEtiquette Active Member

    Not at all! It's nice to have someone reply to it, actually ^.^
    Many thanks.
  12. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Aww ^^ I'ma friend request ya :D
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