Is it just me or?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by deadlydream911, Jan 22, 2013.

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  1. deadlydream911

    deadlydream911 New Member

    I truely believe that my suicide will take away all the pain in those surrounding me in life. I will take all their pain to the grave, they will mourn maybe sure, but it will become some distant memory.

    Or is that just me?

    All the odd's seem to be stacking up in my favour/theory
    My mother has said many times I am her punishment
    My best friend amongst others have walked away because I am too much drama
    My family is too distant to give a shit

    So really, I would be giving my mum the gift of freedom, my "friends" the gift of one less drama person, and my extended family wouldn't care anyway, just one less family function to go too.

    There is no healing for me, just all signs pointing too my slow death

    Btw I know this sounds pathetic lol.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry you're feeling this badly.

    Sounds like people have been worried and actually do care...but maybe they don't know what else to do for you right now. When people want to help but aren't sure what else to try, what they say can sound harsh - it's just their own frustration and sense of helplessness, not a wish that you were gone. It would not be better for anyone if you killed yourself. You would be dead with no future chance of having the good life you want to have. Your mother would never be free of the fact that her child killed him/herself. Your friend would live with the final "drama" of knowing a friend had suicided, and your extended family would miss you at the family functions - there'd be hole in the family.

    If friends and family are currently unable to be cheerleaders for you right now, do it for yourself as much as you can. Come here and talk to us, and we will offer you support. Sometimes showing our strength to others eases their worries and they come back to our side all the more ready to cheer us on.

    Have you sought professional help from your doctor, a therapist, counselling? Those can help, sometimes with meds and certainly for learning about ourselves and what triggers our bad feelings and what helps us to create a better life. I hope you might give that a try.

    Please stay strong and safe. :hug:
  3. deadlydream911

    deadlydream911 New Member

    Haha no believe me, my mum hates me completely since I was young, kicked me down stairs spat in my face, there is no care there.

    Been to a psychologist, she was a dud, made many suicidal comments that fell on deaf ears, been on medication didn't work.
    Ceebs with seeking help, I am just focusing all my energy on restricting and losing weight .

    Lol I am so pathetic and stealing oxygen
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Dreamer, I'm so sorry you've had bad experiences with the professional and the meds. Sometimes we have to "shop around" to find one that we click with. Same thing with medication - they work differently for different people, and sometimes a doctor and patient must try several meds before they find the one or combination of meds that works. Perhaps you could go back to your doc, say how things are going now, ask for different meds and a different psychologist. It's a bit of a hassle, yes, but it might be the ticket to getting you feeling better.

    How old are you now, and are you living with your mum? Depending on your age and where you are from, you might be able to get help from Children's/Adolescent Services...I think they'd probably be very upset to hear that you were kicked down a set of stairs and spat on. And if your mum is still being abusive verbally, that's not acceptable either. The workers at the services might have ways to help you.

    You have as much right to oxygen as the next person, Dreamer - you are not "stealing" it from anyone. I think you are hurting, but you are not pathetic at all. Please stay strong and safe. :hug:
  5. Ginestra

    Ginestra New Member

    Hi deadlydream,

    I'm sorry to hear you have a bad relationship with your family. I think people who decide to have a baby should be more aware of the responsibility they are taking on. If you really want to bring a new being into this world, giving him/her a life he/she never asked to deal with, your first priority should be to make the kid as happy as possible.

    It's rare, though, to find parents who not only acknowledge their duty, but can also succeed at it. Being a good parent is probably the most difficult thing ever to do... Especially when your own parents sucked and you had no positive example to learn from during your childhood. I don't mean to justify people who mistreat their children or anything, but it's useful to try to understand.

    What I want to say is that the fact your mother called you her "punishment" doesn't have to mean she doesn't love you. For simple biological reasons, it's really difficult to find a mother who doesn't love her kid (like Acy said); it's much more likely to find one who doesn't know how to cope with it, especially if she's living a complicated situation and has lots of contradictory and painful feelings mixed up together. Perhaps she's the one to feel at fault, unconsciously trying to transfer this feeling on her own kid. I know you wish she was sweeter to you, it's just natural. Children tend to idealise their parents, but sooner or later they have to realise they're just humans, like everyone else, and that they make mistakes as well.

    It's difficult not to be influenced by what your own family and friends do, but you are the only one who can decide what you actually are worth, what you think of whatever in the universe, what you think of yourself. You can choose to think you're better than what they say. Nobody else can really tell who you are, not even the ones who are or are supposed to be close to you. It's the only consolation I can offer you, but at least it's true.

  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, I'm sorry you feel this way, it is sad. But I think that suicide has the potential to have a massive impact on any family no matter what terms ye are on. You don't sound 'pathetic', you sound like someone in a lot of emotional pain and turmoil. Have you considered getting therapy?
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