is it just me?

is it just me i think it is, my mind makes up scenarios that only make sense to me. i have kids and a wife only reason i am lingering around, the feeling of hurting them by me committing suicide overcomes the feeling of me hurting my self. life is hard as it is and can only imagine loosing one's loved ones, especially a parent. i have contemplated suicide for so long is a normal routine in my way of thinking. always wishing wanting to not here. lately it has become more and more hard to live a normal life. but you see all of this all i feel is just me. no one around has a clue of how i truly feel. i have countless suicide attempts. maybe this one is just another cry for help. i have created my own life with things that i know i cannot change. i am aware of my illness and the things i have to do to get better. but i do not move a finger to get better for my self or for my loved ones. i am just tired. and tonight i am going to put my self, body to the test. no one knows the outcome of my actions to come, i come to this site to vent.

thanks for your time

J

 

hey, please call a suicide hotline or keep talking to us here if you think that you might try to kill yourself

www.befrienders.org has a list of hotlines

does your wife know that you are suicidal? maybe you could tell her about what is going on

I think that if you don't express what you are really experiencing to the people around you, it makes things really difficult

I think that if you talk to a therapist you might be able to learn to communicate better

do you want to talk about why you are suicidal in the first place?

are you taking meds now?

 

not taking meds at the moment and have not taken any in a long time. been suicidal for the longest and only getting worst, before it was the when i would just feel bad but now anything triggers my hate towards my self.

my parents live 5 hours away. i thinking about getting up and heading down there right now. maybe just to see them and clear my mind with the long drive but how can i justify this to my wife with out make her think there something wrong.

 

I think it might be better if you let your wife know what is going on with you. do you think that she would be supportive?

I wonder if you could break part of it to her now. If you don't feel like telling her that you feel suicidal, maybe you could tell her that you are not feeling good but that you don't want to talk about it

why did you give up meds? they might be a good idea right now, at least in the short term

 

Suicide is never the answer, and I know for a fact that your wife would love the opportunity to be able to help you in your time of need. It is not just you, but if you do not communicate you are forcing yourself into isolation. Reach out to your wife, and tell her. This will do two things: one show her that you truyl love her and your family, and two she will be able to help you understand how important you really are.
I have a friend whose dad commited suicide a year ago. It wasn't a surprise since he did all kinds of crazy things in front of his family, but the one thing he never did was turn to them, and open up to them. They care, and they want to help. You are not harming them by doing this. You are opening up the doors to some serious healing. Just think of how you will be able to help your children if they too ever face these issues. Which may never happen when you make it through this, but the chances will definately rise if you hold it all in and kill yourself. Why hate yourself so much to completely destroy yourself? Life is hard, but it is the struggles that make us stronger. You can make it through this. You just have to make up your mind to do it. Remember your wife is not a mind reader. Tell her whats going on, you owe both of you that much. Love heals all wounds, and that is a fact. But you have to allow it to.