• Apologies for the issue with a bizarre redirect on the site earlier today. There was a large server update and an error in an IP address had the traffic routing wrongly. No hacking or anything nefarious and nothing to worry about. Sorry for any stress/anxiety caused. Very best wishes - SF Admin

Is it manipulative, to talk about suicide

Alsy

Active Member
#1
I feel like I'm pretending. I'm told that I'm pretending, that the thoughts of death don't exist, that I'm just trying to guilt-trip my mother into forgiving my awful behavior.

I don't know. I know nothing about myself. I know nothing about what I feel. Mother told me to stop it -- and she is right, isn't she? I'm just pretending. I just want to believe something's wrong with me so I can justify my laziness. I'm just a terrible daughter manipulating my mother with the thoughts of suicide.

She's tired of me. She said it. She's tired of me, being useless and careless. I'm eighteen and I had to take care of myself, not lie in my bad all day, whining about how tired I am.

(I am tired. I was. I know it, right? I felt it. I guess. Did I imagine it? Was it all pretending? Am I really that terrible?)

I wanted to kill myself since I was twelve. Was it all for a show back there, too? I didn't tell mother back then. I didn't tell her for many years. She knew I hurt myself, I was awful at hiding it. She knew about the scars -- the most of them. I hid the latest. I tried. I don't want her to know -- about all of this. She hates it, how can I tell her?

She yelled when I didn't do the dishes. I felt tired that day, I slept seventeen hours and couldn't get up from bed. I didn't want to even think about cleaning. I started too late, didn't finish when she got home. She yelled. Told me I'm useless. Told me to go find a job.

(I took a year off in my University. It got too bad, I wanted to die too much, I was considering it too seriously. I wanted to sort out things in my head. My mother agreed, but only if I'd help her. I don't help. She's right to be angry.)

I don't want to work, but this is irresponsible, so my wants don't matter. I can try. I tried to find it, mother didn't like my choice because it was a work from home. She found a job herself. I agreed.

She asked me, why I didn't want. Why I didn't help. Feeling down wasn't the reason, but I told it her anyway. I told her I thought about killing myself, again.

(I never tried. I made plans. I was always too scared and weak to go through with them. I always found things to live for. It means, I never was serious. It means, when I talk about it, I'm just trying to get attention. I don't deserve it, because I'm not serious. I shouldn't be writing it, because I don't deserve the attention -- there are so many people who really suffer. I don't.)

She told me to stop it. Told, I'm only manipulating her. She is right, isn't she? I can't feel the way I do. I just want to believe in it, so I don't have to take the responsibility.

I'm not always tired. I'm not always sad. There are things that make me happy, there are things I like to do, and can do, spending hours and hours on learning languages or writing. It means, I'm fine. I'm always fine. I shouldn't feel the way I do. I don't have the right to whine or be sad. I don't deserve to even think about death, I should be happy. I must be. I must stop it.

I will.

(I'm just so, so tired of it all.)
 

Butterfly

Sim Addict
Safety & Support
SF Author
SF Supporter
#2
Honestly, you have fallen into the pit of learned helplessness and from what you have described you are doing absolutely nothing to help yourself. I can understand why your mother is frustrated. You don't do ANYTHING. I know how hard it is to do things when I'm depressed but you've got to do something. You are tired because you are laying around doing nothing. Help with those chores, it will keep you up. Go for a walk, it will wake you up. Help your mum out a bit more, take care of yourself, don't stay in your bedroom all day. These things will help but you've got to want to change.
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#3
Being tied is a sign of depression, yes. But also we can create a place where sleeping all the time makes us more tired than before. We don't do anything so we don't want to do anything. We don't go anywhere so we don't want to go anywhere. Don't participate in school or sports or games or reading or whatever it is and those things disappear from your life. It starts because we're tired or depressed and don't feel like doing it and escalates to a place where we don't think we CAN.

This article really helped me:

https://www.suicideforum.com/2018/04/30/making-tomorrow-better-by-doing-something-today/
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$170.00
Goal
$255.00
Top