Is it me or him???

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by BluePhoenix, Aug 21, 2016.

  1. BluePhoenix

    BluePhoenix Member

    I am so fed up marriage is a roller coaster of highs and unbelievable lows. Last year we separated because he was emotionally abusive and just vile when his temper kicks in. He has shouted, screamed, banged furniture, pulled books out of my hands whilst reading to my son without any regard to the children's feelings. I have been to a women's aid course, which helped me despise him but after a while of separation we got back together and wanted to work things out.

    I admitted to having an affair at the time the abuse started, with my best female friend. It turned out she had her own agenda and started blackmailing me and stalking me. My husband told me that he couldn't be without me and despite of my affair he loved me and wanted to sort things out.

    Now everytime we have argued it is always brought back up, how horrible I am for having an affair, what I did to him. My reasoning for asking him to move out several times was because of the children's safety after he wouldn't stop shouting and raving around the house. He even smashed a glass candle holder in our bedroom right next to me, there was blood and glass everywhere and my daughter heard everything and came out of her bedroom crying.
    I had to go and see her school teacher the next day and explain things.

    He has a drink problem, in that when he drinks at home it escalated from a twice weekly to an everyday thing...from 2cans to 8. So I asked him to stop and he has complied and said he felt better. The last few days I have been paralysed with anxiety about all this and what's best for the children, I am also completing my nursing degree and overwhelmed by everything.

    My family want no more to do with it as they are tired of me complaining about him and stepping in, only for us to get back together. I know how frustrating that must be for them but I honestly don't know what I want and what's for the best.

    We have four young children between us, and I love my family.

    However last night after he had the children all day he wanted a 'sex session', which I wanted also. I said he could have a drink as he had supported me to get my essay done. By the time I had cooked tea, finished my essay, put kids to bed, made my sons birthday cake and wrapped his presents it was almost midnight.

    He said he couldn't wait any longer and went up to bed, I had finished and followed him. I got into bed and hugged him, he then started saying he wasn't in the mood anymore. He said I was not doing it for him and that I had let him down by not doing all the things he wanted. He wasn't shouting but talking loudly enough to wake the kids, so I asked him to be quiet. His words were slurring slightly and I think he was drunk. I informed him that I was no longer in the mood after him saying 'if you don't want it, go somewhere else then'.

    He informed me that he 'deserved it' after having the children all day, which I said no it doesn't work like that. He said he needed sex, I managed to get him to come to bed and go to sleep.

    I let him lay in this morning and hoped he would be in a better mood and apologise, but he didn't and it put a dampener on my sons birthday so we carried on without him and he went back to bed.

    I'm fed up of his anger, he said he's depressed and that I don't appreciate him enough. But I manage the house and the kids plus work and my uni degree so I feel I do my best. He is self employed.

    I just feel lost, would I be better on my own? I love him so much, but I don't seem to be able to stabilise our relationship. Is this normal?

    Am I damaging my children by staying? I don't know what I want or what to do. I just want to stop hurting and simply be happy without the fear or arguments that escalate into horrible hurtful episodes that tarnish all the happy times!
    Is this emotional abuse? Am I at fault?
  2. taniababy

    taniababy Member

    Hi Blue. I'm so sorry for your situation. A crap marriage/ relationship takes over your entire life and nothing else seems to fully compensate. I had a very unhappy marriage for over 8 years. In the end I left with my daughter ( she was 7 at the time) - that was over 20 years ago and although I have had unhappy times since then, compared to how I felt within my marriage it has been bliss. I don't fully know your financial/ housing situation - if you can cope without him in practical ways ( ie: he can move out and you can still manage the bills etc) then perhaps you should suggest a separation of say 3 months that you both must 100% stick to. That would give you enough time to really decide if you are happier with or without him, you are not fully giving him up for good but it will give you a decent amount of space to help you to make a permanent decision. From what you have said I don't believe that you are at fault and his overly aggressive behaviour is totally unacceptable.
  3. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    Hi Blue, I am Mox

    There is one recurring theme throughout your story that I think says loads about the whole situation. You always put the children first. That seemed to be your first instinct "how will this affect the children". Which shows that you are a good mother. The father never once seemed to show an ounce of concern for the children. The whole affair thing doesn't apply , it has nothing to do with you being the best mom you can be.

    But in my honest opinion the marriage is turning toxic. Without some serious marriage counseling ;and him quit drinking. I don't see how it can be saved. He seems to act like a spoiled brat that throws a tantrum anytime things do not go his way. The more he drinks, the worse he becomes. Can you really count on him to be a father/partner when he has had 4 or so beers? He doesn't seem to respect you or the children. He seems to only care for himself and his whims. I have a bad feeling this will only get worse the longer the marriage lasts. Maybe he thinks the whole affair thing somehow tainted everything, then he should have never agreed to resume the marriage. Seems like all is doing is punishing you for something while you two were separated. You are definitely being emotionally abused, the more of this behavior the children the worse it will affect them.

    Feel free to PM/IM me anytime you want to chat in private or wish to discuss something without prying eyes.

    Take Care