Is it my fault?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Minni, Feb 15, 2010.

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  1. Minni

    Minni Member

    Hello everyone here.
    Here I am again. Feeling just..horrible.
    I don't know if this will help me in any way...but I have reached a stage..where I just plainly don't care anymore. I see no way out of this. I have a strong wish just to end my life.

    Yet another fight with my mother. Ever since I turned 18 I keep getting into fights with my mother every second day.
    "What is that tone you use with me? You are disrespectful and a good-for-nothing!", is what I hear on a daily basis. We fight over things that are normal for others. We are asian..and so the rules in this house are pretty strict.
    I am not allowed to go out very often, because I am supposed to study or to help out in the house. And if I do go out, I have to keep our reputation up. I have to be the "good and successful" grown-up lady, no drinking and no relationship with anyone. I have to listen to what my parents say. If I don't, I am a disrespectful brat that doesn't deserve to be in this house. I have to get good grades. I have to obey.
    But I can't...
    I'm tired. After every fight I am the one who is wrong. I am the one who has to apologize. I am the one who has to promise not to do wrong again.
    I spent half of the day trying to talk to her. But she doesn't wanna hear. "If you come near me I will bump my head against the wall and die!!", is what she said and demonstrated to me just for me to see that she was serious.
    I am so very tired. I know that to some point they just want me to be happy and lead a good life...but I just don't.
    I am not happy.
    I don't want to live.
    I want to be free. seems to me that I can only be free when dead.

    Thanks for reading...
    have a nice day.
  2. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hello Minnie, not coming from the same background as you my insight into your situation isn't great but you know mothers want the same for their children whatever culture they are from... they want them to be successful, happy and well balanced.
    At 18 I think all young people struggle against the rules set by their parents, having said that I can see that you are having real problems with this situation. Can you see your doctor, perhaps get some treatment that would lift your mood and help you cope better.
    Are you in college or maybe uni, is there anyone you can confide in.
    I'm glad you have come back to sf and I hope we can support you.

  3. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to SF.

    things with parents are hard to say for sure. Mine try to do what's best for me, and I'm 32, living under their roof since my marriage disintegrated.

    You will find alot of support here.

    You can find people from similar backgrounds, and ethnicities. We are all here together, and you are welcome to poke around the forums during your leisure time.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am also glad you came back to is so difficult when you feel you cannot do anything right...but I hope you know that someone calling you something, even your mother, does not mean you are that thing...wishing you easier times, big hugs, J
  5. MonikaM

    MonikaM Member

    Hello Minni.

    Things seem really awful right now and you probably can't see a way out of the horrible situation but you are still young and will look back at this time in the future and realise that you did OK. Most people could not function under such circumstances and would feel the same way you do.

    Do you have plans to go away to university or anything like that? That will be your time to shine. Don't leave us now. Once this stage is in the past you will be stronger for getting through it.

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