Is it normal to ALWAYS and ENDLESSLY crave being called pretty?

[PrincessPure]

Like boy I think that's the sentence which always make me happiest, when I was a kid I wanted to be smart and educated and rich but it seems I choose being pretty over all of these now. I think I grew backwards.

I am ALWAYS fishing for compliments on my appearance, constantly look for my flaws and try to fix them and ngl I do get called pretty quite often BUT I still feel insecure as hell and it doesn't help at all.

I would choose being pretty and getting privileges because of my looks instead of just... studying a lot for good grades for example. I am helpless and dunno what to do anymore ugh

 

[Brân]

Like boy I think that's the sentence which always make me happiest, when I was a kid I wanted to be smart and educated and rich but it seems I choose being pretty over all of these now. I think I grew backwards.

I am ALWAYS fishing for compliments on my appearance, constantly look for my flaws and try to fix them and ngl I do get called pretty quite often BUT I still feel insecure as hell and it doesn't help at all.

I would choose being pretty and getting privileges because of my looks instead of just... studying a lot for good grades for example. I am helpless and dunno what to do anymore ugh

Oh for sure. I don't have a remedy for it or a fix - all I can do is try to accept myself and get people to like me/compliment me on skills etc - but yeah, I totally get you and I'm the same.

 

[Tana]

If you focus on looks, you should remember they fade.
I'm not trying to be rude, just give you a reality check. You sound fairly young, so it's understandable, but I'll give you some advice if you care for it...

Focus on something that lasts, since you'll likely regret it otherwise.
Plus, you can be both pretty and smart. Pretty and skilled. Being nice is pretty, makes us usually look at a person better then if they act stuck-up...Focus on school, be good and be proud of yourself.

There will come a time where you won't care about your appearance anyway.

 

[Auri]

Looks are no achievement and don't say anything good about you, they're just genetics - with a hint of healthy lifestyle choices at best. Even though I understand how we are socially conditioned to appreciate compliments about it and how difficult it is to crave them, it is detrimental to have such a mindset for so many reasons. I'm not sure if you know them, or if you're interested in knowing them, so I'll just leave a few random questions you could think about if you wish (you don't have to answer to them, they're for you) :

What about in a few years, when it will get more and more difficult to maintain the plastic "beauty" as appreciated by society?
Will you try by all means to fit those standards in order to keep getting those compliments?
What good do "good grades" truly bring to you? Now and in the future? Grades are just grades, think further.
Should self-love derive from others' compliments?
What does it say about people who are never called pretty by anyone?
Even if they get these privileges, do "pretty" people deserve them?
What kind of privileges related to looks do you enjoy and expect?
What do you appreciate in other people? Do you like/love them for how they look, or for other reasons?

Hope you take good care of yourself. To me you are beautiful.

 

[Ash600]

Although it's always nice to get compliments because of the inner postive feelings they can create, what I can add will merely just echo what @Lux and @Auri have already mentioned. I suppose that hurdle which can at times prove to be elusive, is just trying to be comfortable with yourself.

 

[PrincessPure]

Looks are no achievement and don't say anything good about you, they're just genetics - with a hint of healthy lifestyle choices at best. Even though I understand how we are socially conditioned to appreciate compliments about it and how difficult it is to crave them, it is detrimental to have such a mindset for so many reasons. I'm not sure if you know them, or if you're interested in knowing them, so I'll just leave a few random questions you could think about if you wish (you don't have to answer to them, they're for you) :

What about in a few years, when it will get more and more difficult to maintain the plastic "beauty" as appreciated by society?
Will you try by all means to fit those standards in order to keep getting those compliments?
What good do "good grades" truly bring to you? Now and in the future? Grades are just grades, think further.
Should self-love derive from others' compliments?
What does it say about people who are never called pretty by anyone?
Even if they get these privileges, do "pretty" people deserve them?
What kind of privileges related to looks do you enjoy and expect?
What do you appreciate in other people? Do you like/love them for how they look, or for other reasons?

Hope you take good care of yourself. To me you are beautiful.

I can understand your aim by these questions... but like... idk? I don't think I answered any of them in a mature way. For the most part for example, good looking people are those who catch my eyes. I treat them better without meaning to, it just comes naturally. Be it a girl or a guy.

Even for my partner I always keep thinking looks matter the most, probably prefer short term relationship with a good looking guy than long term relationship with an average looking guy. And again, I think this way just naturally even if I force myself to be more mature about it.

 

[Butterfly]

This is a sign of low self esteem. It's not normal to fish for compliments constantly. You are obviously very insecure about your looks.

 

[lost_in_a_fairytale]

a lot of people are concerned about their appearance and most people love compliments but I wouldn't say it's healthy to want compliments all the time/be so focused on looking good. It could develop into body dysmorphia or something else, which I had a long time ago because I was too concerned with my appearance that it ended up becoming obsessive and turned into extreme anxiety and depression and controlled my everyday life to the point where I thought unless I was "perfectly" pretty I deserved to be dead. I got better as the years went on, but have always felt weird about my appearance because I've only ever had extreme reactions to my appearance- either that I'm stunningly gorgeous and should be a model or the total opposite that I'm incredibly ugly and weird looking which messes my head up cause I don't know which extreme to believe! 2 but anyway everyone has different perceptions of beauty so there's no real right or wrong answer as to whether someone's "pretty" or not, even if you weren't getting a lot of compliments about being pretty that doesn't mean you aren't

I think it's normal to naturally feel more drawn to good looking people/want to treat them better though, probably psychology. I'm sure I watched a documentary once about something like that, that we naturally want to be nicer to people the more good looking they are because we naturally want to impress them or we feel safer with them or something

 

[Auri]

I can understand your aim by these questions... but like... idk? I don't think I answered any of them in a mature way. For the most part for example, good looking people are those who catch my eyes. I treat them better without meaning to, it just comes naturally. Be it a girl or a guy.

Even for my partner I always keep thinking looks matter the most, probably prefer short term relationship with a good looking guy than long term relationship with an average looking guy. And again, I think this way just naturally even if I force myself to be more mature about it.

What comes naturally is rarely the right thing to do.

I think when you know what is mature but don't apply it yet, it's perhaps because you have not seen or experienced being "hurt" by the immaturity yet. I truly wish I could avoid this for you, but we all make our own choices. These things are not considered "right" or "mature" just because.

Also, self-esteem issues are a much bigger deal on mental health than it seems, so don't neglect it. You could certainly benefit from talking about it with a professional (and on SF of course).

 

[Inanimate]

It’s not unusual. When a certain quality of yours, whether it be genetic or learned, has a tendency of being praised, especially when you lack a steady foundation of esteem and approval within, it’s easy to fall into the trap of depending on others for a linear supply of affirmations. Overall, these outside compliments only amount to a fix, like instant gratification.

Someone compliments you, and you feel a rush of dopamine: a sense of reward. It excites you and builds you up. Yet, deep within, you don’t accept that you’re worthy of this praise, not unless someone else positively remarks on your qualities again and again in the short-term. Perhaps you neither agree nor disagree with certain compliments that people typically give you but rather you don’t trust your own judgment enough to give credence to theirs. Nonetheless, you value certain qualities highly, and the consequent praise is still rewarding however short and superficial its effects.

I, myself, don’t know how to stop caring, how to believe what I’ve been told, or, importantly, how to want to believe. The universe frequently points me in the direction of professional help, yet I’m supposed to want as a prerequisite. It can only be a concerted effort or a wasted one, I’ve been taught. As of now, it’s still a catch-22.

All in all, I empathize with your helplessness for whatever that means to you.

 

[MisterBGone]

I think that it’s okay to have been the way that you have been, and done what you have done up until now. Especially given that, here in “The States,” anyway (& I’m sure to some greater &/or lesser degree in other places. . ) we live in a society that is very conscious of ‘looks.’ This can even be subconscious. I’m sure many people in general go about their day, winding up treating those that look attractive to them, even better than they might realize. It’s just human nature, or something. . . BUT! (There’s always one of those, right?) what you’ve got to ask your self, or consider, is how happy has doing what you’ve been doing in terms of your approach been making you feel? Really? The very fact that you’re questioning it, or seeking others input is good. A healthy dose of skepticism can go a long way in learning something or just plain old giving a personal belief, or philosophical view, attitude - opinion, etc. a good evaluation! Trust me, I do it all the time: now, I don’t know if my mind is fine enough to always process the new input properly—that is to say, as “objectively,” as my be nice 👍 versus the more “subjective” that is already permeating & perhaps even swimming in my every day being; or somethjnf like that.. so! Here’s the thing: you asked (The ‘?‘) & you shall receive An answer from me (however flawed it may be) - in my view & this is just my opinion (I know, who else’s would it be?) - you might wish to think about trying the other track just for a bit, if for no-thing else but or than “balance.” In other words, it sounds like you’ve had some experience, or time logged in chasing down this path, and have seen where it has led (again; the whole “happiness” or contentment & satisfaction thing. . .)_ so why not try the other side of the equation, and see what happens? Then you can compare and contrast! If nothing else it will lead you to having more balance in the matter (of the two options you posed), which will make you a Moore well-rounded individual in the long run. Yes, the looks can win you much acclaim and get you praise and many small victories in life and through out every day. However, if at the end of, all that it’s achieved is hollow or shallow ness (if that s even a word.?) ~ then what have you really won? Some temporary pleasure or reward from compliments and special treatment, acceptance of others. Which is fine I f that s what leads to you living a fulfilling life; one with meaning. Not so much if you’re feeling empty or a s thigh some of the things being said or done are half-hearted. But that’s just me! And the better looking yiu are, chances are, the better looking your partner can or will be (depending on what you choose). This can or cannot be good. Or bad. It all depends on the specific person at hand. How have they navigate d this “thing called life) with some of the difficult discussions and dilemmas which you have presented? This will all factor in to what kind of person they have become, Both in terms of Growth & development, or refinement, as a person (or human being, if you like!) ;^D gah ! That’s enough now. . . If you’re still reading, God bless you, & good luck! Hopefully I’ve answered your question to some extent (probably ‘more-than- a -lot!’)__

 

[Walker]

If you have to "fish" for a compliment then it's not really genuine is it? If someone is swimming around trying to get you to compliment them then you just do it because that's what they wanted you to do, right? "Yeah sure, you look great today". "yeah, that looks nice on you", "yeah, you look like you've lost weight" - whatever it is. But if it's not offered up and you had to bait out for it then it doesn't mean much does it? They did it because you wanted it. You might as well record yourself saying it and play it back to yourself like a parrot.

Focusing on things that won't fade off in a few years, like studying or having compassion for others or a vocation might help you develop some actual self esteem.

 

[PrincessPure]

If you have to "fish" for a compliment then it's not really genuine is it? If someone is swimming around trying to get you to compliment them then you just do it because that's what they wanted you to do, right? "Yeah sure, you look great today". "yeah, that looks nice on you", "yeah, you look like you've lost weight" - whatever it is. But if it's not offered up and you had to bait out for it then it doesn't mean much does it? They did it because you wanted it. You might as well record yourself saying it and play it back to yourself like a parrot.

Focusing on things that won't fade off in a few years, like studying or having compassion for others or a vocation might help you develop some actual self esteem.

Maybe the usage of "fishing" wasn't right here because I'm no native in English. It's pretty embarrassing if I force people compliment me like, the culture I was born in, is all about humbleness and even rejecting people's compliments like "no i'm not pretty at all, you just see me that way".
No I never act like I need a compliment, don't even talk about my looks or a new outfit or anything visual about me irl. Yet in my heart I always need those compliments.

 

[MisterBGone]

So it must be ingrained into the fabric of your soul; or self, through culture & growing up in such an environment that has such standards and given ideals then — (even if it is not explicitly expressed, or stated explicitly/shouted out loud, so to speak...)

the question then really becomes how much of a negative impact you feel it is having on you right now. (It’s it more of a burden than is necessary? Is the risk worth the reward?). And sometimes someone else can help you evaluate your situation and give you incredibly gifted insight & knowledge that will help you decide. Someone obviously 🙄 much more qualified than me!

oh & your English is perfect - far better than mine (where I was born, but didn’t grow up, it seems to me to be the case the the girls there in particular take great care & maintenance of or over their face; but I really don’t know what that’s all about, I’ve only seen it in movies & tv shows..)

so long!

 

[MisterBGone]

And by, “someone,” I was referring to a professional of some kind or type (like a psychologist/therapist). But I realize that these things are harder to come by in some places than others...

 

[PrincessPure]

So it must be ingrained into the fabric of your soul; or self, through culture & growing up in such an environment that has such standards and given ideals then — (even if it is not explicitly expressed, or stated explicitly/shouted out loud, so to speak...)

the question then really becomes how much of a negative impact you feel it is having on you right now. (It’s it more of a burden than is necessary? Is the risk worth the reward?). And sometimes someone else can help you evaluate your situation and give you incredibly gifted insight & knowledge that will help you decide. Someone obviously 🙄 much more qualified than me!

oh & your English is perfect - far better than mine (where I was born, but didn’t grow up, it seems to me to be the case the the girls there in particular take great care & maintenance of or over their face; but I really don’t know what that’s all about, I’ve only seen it in movies & tv shows..)

so long!

I believe where I am living people put too much into looks yea. Barely do you see any girl not dressed up with makeup going to a super market. I could ask help from a professional but I have to pay lots for that and in the end I feel they didn't help at all.

 

[MisterBGone]

Ah, I see. . . The tricky thing with therapy complicating matters is this—it sometimes takes a few tries to find the right one. That is to say, someone you can “click,” with. Or at the very least, not_not “click-with” ... (if that makes sense?). So, in other words, you have to be able to create and establish a working relationship to-gether (did I spell that right, or what? Why does it keep underlining it.. Grr // pay no attention me & my lunatic like asides!), one in which you can both bring out the best in the situation. You with the problem or issue, them with the tackling of, or attempts to help you to “solve” or at least begin constructively working through them in a productive matter that will be conducive to you, and have benefits in the long run. Hopefully in alleviating some of the major distress in your life — & I just drew a blank and forgot the rest of; or other part of what I was going to say, but I think you get the drift of where I’m going. Things that can come into play are personalities. Do they (yours and his or hers) conflict or clash, in such a way as to be counterproductive to the progress of the sessions, or hinder the uphill battle from the start. Now you don’t have to like them, just respect (in fact it can probably be a bad thing if you do like them like you would say a friend or something like that: because this would inhibit the normal and natural dynamic of the doctor / patient relationship, as it were). And conversely if they were to cross that line, then they’d be contradicting their own judgment in the matter. I believe there’s a saying that a therapist shouldn’t treat their own family members or close friends. For one, they’re going to see you as who you are outside the office, and that compromises your integrity (as a professional). Now the other issue or difficulty that could also take a moment to get through, is if you don’t like the way they work. They’re “style.” And this can just be a personal preference thing. Everybody has theirs, and you just have to hope that you can put up with it so that you can glean the insights into which they are giving you. That said, like physical therapy, it’s not supposed to be easy, or fun. And like anything else you haven’t tried, it’s going to take a little bit of time to adapt and “learn the ropes.” However, if. And when once you do, it can be an extremely beneficial and healthy thing to do on a regular basis, as it provide a place and a space to voice your opinions, and not be judged. Something that’s rarely going to happen outside that setting or arena. I’m not sure if you said you’ve tried, or wouldn’t be able to consider it. But nowadays, lots of places have online teleconference style sessions, or virtual vital video (I’m terrible at tech-no-logy!). . . I’m sure you know what I mean. Perhaps this would give you some other alternatives or options. Which is always nice. And if you do_do it. Just try not to have any preconceived notions about how it might be. That can influence the way it goes down, and what you ultimately will get out of it (which is kind of the whole point in the first place). Lastly, there are health obsessions & unhealthy ones. If you find that you are straddling the line from the good kind (he was so obsessive with his writing that he wrote and wrote and wrote until he won the Nobel peace prize); to the unhealthy, I believe Britney spear s will marry me... etc (well maybe those are not very good examples as I should have chosen from more of the same one, so that you could see the evolution or destruction of oneself through their obsessions. Like a passionate love affair gone wrong—I don’t know if I’m getting any warmer.. but I hope i helped you out! or at least didn’t do the opposite of that—

 

[MisterBGone]

Maybe I should have said, Pulitzer Prize? See, I don’t even know, I’m not a writer (nor a peace ✌️ maker for that matter..)!

 

[worthless_loser]

Hello.
I feel kind of the same way.
I wish I had a "handsome privilege".
Except I'm average looking/ugly and so I don't get compliments.
And I hated reading and studying stuff when I was in school.
I think I might be a narcissist.

It's not healthy at all, but it might be normal if by normal you mean lots of people do it.
I don't have any advice, other than looks fade, beauty is genetic, focus on developing your mind/personality, and other things people have already said.
But it's really hard and it takes a long time.
I guess find people who want to help you change and are patient with you.
I don't know, it sounds cheesy to say, but it seems true.
Here's a hug in case you need one.