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Is it okay for me to rite here? talk about being sad.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by jlc20m, Mar 20, 2009.

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  1. jlc20m

    jlc20m Well-Known Member

    i don't know if i can rite here, but i want to say how i feel. my name is amanda and i am 7 years old. our terapist says i am an alter in a big person that is DID. that means many peeple live inside because bad things happened to us. i am sad adn crying because i have pictures and feelings come and make me remember how we got hurt. i am sad because our dokter is away and we have no body to tak to. our big person hides all the time. she thinks if sumbody finds out we are here they wont like her. but i am just a kid. i dint hurt anybody. i am hurting. why do we have to hide all the time? hiding is bad. it makes things more worse. sumtimes our big person dont want to live anymore because of the hurting. i dont want to hurt myself. i am just sad. sumtimes kuloring pretty pictures makes me happy. but not now. we used to know other inside kids but not now. wen i am hurting i wish sumbody wood hold me like a regular kid. she sumtimes does, but not ushully because she is skaird to reely know us and why we are here. i hope i am not bad for riting here.

    amanda in a big person (jlc20m)
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hi Amanda. I think it's ok for you to write here :) And it's also ok for your big person to write here too.

    You sound very lonely. Do you know what makes you sad? Do you want to tell us why you feel sad?

    Your big person also sounds very lonely and scared about what is going on for you all right now. Do you think it might help your big person to talk to us here?

    You're not bad for writing here. You did really well to come on here and post about how you feel. You're clearly a very bright girl :) Well done for writing.

    I hope you're ok and you, your big person, or someone else can write back soon.

  3. jlc20m

    jlc20m Well-Known Member

    Scum, hello...

    Thank you for responding to my child part. You are very gentle and supportive, things we aren't used to. However, I'm ashamed that she actually wrote on this forum without me knowing or without my permission. I try very hard to not let people know that I struggle with emotional problems, especially DID, though I sometimes do tell others I have (Complex) PTSD and Major Depression (secondary to the PTSD).There is so much stigma and misunderstanding around DID that it forces me to hide out of fear of rejection and worry that I'll lose my job (if people find out), etc. I do work, yes, but it's a daily struggle to get things done. About five years ago, I/we found out we were ritually abused, along with the abuse at home and at school. The flashbacks are horrific, the physical pain very bad, and the knowledge very distressing. I have no memory of what happened to us, except for the bullying at school and some sexual/physical abuse at home. Everything is stored in my child parts. They come out to draw and cry about what they experienced. They abuse themselves physically in their attempt to cope with the memories. Some are very suicidal because they don't know the abuse has stopped. The end result for me is feeling: chronically tired; severely ashamed; sick with headaches and other things; and having trouble with coping life in general. My life is only about going to work, coming home, and therapy. I am alone and very lonely. I have no friends. I'm not in a relationship because I strongly feel no man would put up with a woman who has problems like mine. Also, the memories and knowledge of what we experienced make me feel ugly, dirty, and unlovable. I try really really hard to think positive, but I am convinced I am doomed. I go through the motions of living, going to work everyday, having a smile on my face, etc., but secretly waiting for the right time to kill myself. This is terrible to admit, but it's the truth. I don't see myself getting old. I've been living with pain for too long. I just don't want to do it anymore. My therapist, who is wonderful, always tells me I will get better. But the therapy is very painful... I'm so scared of the process so much that often I run away from it or just tolerate it a little. I don't see my life getting better and I can't take it anymore. I've tried to distract myself from my problems by working and other things, but to no avial. The only reason I'm still here is that I love my two cats Maya and Mira, and I don't want to hurt my mother. I have many issues with my mom, but I do love her...I don't want to hurt her. But, there are times, like a year ago, where I get to the point I don't care how I will hurt her because I want to escape my life so badly...

    Anyway. I'm going to stop. I don't want you to think I'm feeling sorry for myself or complaining. I know there are others out there that struggle with worse obstacles than mine...at least I'm not homeless or on drugs. I am grateful for these things and more. But, when the flashbacks get really bad to the point where we relive everything like it were happening now, I just want to end it.

    Thank you for reading. I'm sorry for going on and on and on. It's because I don't have anyone to talk to about these things. Thank you for your kindness to my child alter.


  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hi jlc :)

    I really hear how much you are struggling and how vile you feel at the moment. I'm so sorry for the horrific abuse you suffered and how it still impacts on you and some (or all?) of your alters.

    You are definitely right in that therapy is very painful, and whilst you might be able to understand why it is so painful (in terms of reopening old wounds and rehealing them so that they don't cause you pain), your alters may not understand the reasons behind it, which can cause more pain for both them and you.

    It may help you to know that I met someone on the web a few years ago and she had DID. We ended up as very good friends and I used to talk to a variety of parts/alters of her (although often not know so until later). She had gone through therapy with a DID specialist and whilst she was not all 'joined' (for want of a better word), she was happy and able to cope. She had found it hard and had, in the past, a huge variety of mental health problems, but with perseverance and acceptance of herself and her alters, she was able to get to a place where she could function and she was actually happy.

    I wonder if one of the reasons you struggle so much to move forward is that you are so embarassed and ashamed of your alters, as opposed to maybe embracing them? I don't know, that's just a shot in the dark but I wonder if maybe if you could work towards not having bad feelings about them, it might help you in some way.

    I don't think you are feeling sorry for yourself, or going on and on, or anything else negative. I actually think that you are really struggling and all you have done is write about your struggles. That takes a great deal of strength. I also think that whilst you may be ashamed of Amanda posting, maybe she has helped you because it led to you opening up and maybe led to you feeling less alone possibly?

    I do hope that you keep talking. It's ok and good to talk, for both you and your alters.
  5. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    jlc...I'm sorry, it is more painful than words can describe. That is why you end up re-living and drawing it. Getting it out and "processsing" it is unfortunately the only way to get thru. I cried for you when I read your post.

    I think Scum might have a point - Would it help to think of your alters as amazing ways of protecting you from the horror that you couldn't have possibly handled at the time? They hold the memories and the pain so that you could continue to grow and function; until a time when you would be able to have the support you need to get through the extreme pain.

    Not a quality to be announced, and certainly switching is something to keep control of, but a characteristic to hold dear. Your ability to split enabled you to continue. A sane response to an insane situation. I say this full well knowing that it is hard...so many are not strong enough to hear about the reality that is your life. So care must be taken as to who you let in to your confidence. Please don't be ashamed. You survived for a reason.

    You are courageous and so are each of your alters. You must be a very strong, intelligent and imaginative person to get to this point. Certainly those little ones hurt and need lots of care now. They protected you then. Keep reaching out and working thru it all. Be careful and in close touch with your therapist. There is a better future out there.

    Take Care :hug:
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