Hi, I'm new here so sorry if this is in the wrong place. I grew up in a very chaotic family, got married at 24 and had 3 kids very quickly. My husband is a great guy, kind, sweet, has put up with my depression and mood swings for 12 years. The only problem is, I think he's the cause of my issues. I feel trapped and unhappy in my marriage. I've been a stay-at-home mom for 12 years so I have no money, connections, or resources. If I left, I could never make enough money to support my kids and I don't want them to grow up in a fractured family like I did. I spend part of almost every day thinking of ways to die because I can't live for 50 more years like this. I fantasize about my husband dying or about dying myself, and the only reason I can't do it is because someone has to pick the kids up every afternoon and take them to sports and activities. My husband keeps telling me he loves me no matter what, and it just makes me feel angry and used -- because if I don't love him back, what good is it to tell me that? I feel like he just wants me around for his own selfish reasons. I've tried different therapists and several kinds of medicine (only one that did anything was klonopin, but it stopped working) and I'm pretty much done exploring that route. Now we're in couples therapy but it's definitely making me feel worse, because the therapist has latched on to all of my family dysfunction and seems to think I'm the cause of all the problems here. I just want an escape, and I think death is the only way out.