is it possible for me to stop feeling suicidal ever in my life?

Hi, i just joined here to see if i can find answers of how to stop feeling suicidal.
i'm 19 now.
my mum died when i was 12 (of drug overdose) and since then i've lived with my stepdad.
when i was 15 something happened between my stepdad and me and we started sleeping together and keep having sex ever since.
it makes me feel guilty and suicidal but then other days i don't feel guilty and can't stop going to his bed.
i tried to find a bf but both of my bfs were rough in bed and hurtful and only made me closer to my stepdad.
i only feel safe with him but some days i feel guilty and really suicidal cos theres no way to stop wanting to be with him even though its wrong.
even worse is that when we were in the pool a neighbour looked over our fence and saw stepdads hands lotioning my breasts and then i saw the neighbour a few days later and she said how wrong it is :suspicion:

 

You hun need to talk to someone ok a professional to help you see that what your stepfather has done and is doing still is wrong You are an adult now hun time for you to reach out for the help you need to stop feeling suicidal there is help ok but you need to reach for it. Nothing you have done has been your fault so no need to feel guilt or shame
Please hun talk to someone for YOU ok to heal Stop the abuse of you now he is abusing you hun don't let it go any further ok

 

agreed

 

You need to find a way out of the household you are living in. Please get the help you need and once you do, your life will be made up for. We understand that it's hard for you, but please hang in there and get some help. What has happens is wrong, and there's no way we can reverse that, but if you get the help you need life will rebuild itself. Don't let this issue escalate any further than it needs to.
We're all there for you
xoxo

 

thanks total your nice :tears_of_joy: i wish i had family but mums gone and her parents are gone and she had no brothers/sisters. not sure who to talk to, but when i was at school the counsellor spoke with me but i didn't want to tell him about home. its easier online for sure.

thanks lostit i agree your right. my friend said i can move in with her cos she and her bf need a 3rd person. i did a massage course last year and can earn money by that hopefully :distant:
is it ok to sleep with him till i move out? i try to avoid him but feel sad at night till i'm with him again. it might be easier after i move out to avoid him.

 

Is there a church person you can talk to a minister a priest someone you trust hun I am sorry you are going through this all alone I do hope you move out with your friends soon
You still need to have help hun ok to sort this all out Do you not have a doctor you can talk to you do not even have to go into the details at first just say you are confused and need help Moving out is a good step it is but you need and deserve to have some help for You ok If you are still able to talk to a councilor at school do so ok hun do that for YOU

 

nopeee not church but my tennis coach cos he is like my bf/crush kind of. i talk to him a lot but not about my stepdad yet. but i'll tell him i think :high5: