Is it possible I have developed a disorder?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by jessikah2k8, May 13, 2009.

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  1. jessikah2k8

    jessikah2k8 Well-Known Member

    Ever since an incident last year, I have been constantly ranging from being extremely depressed; almost suicidal, to being very happy and enthusiastic; going out and spending a lot of money etc etc and going out with people and taking major risks, like unprotected sex. I can admit, I have very low confidence, and I have a fear of gaining weight. My BMI is currently 18.6, just one tenth away from the criteria of being underweight, yet all I see is someone fat that nobody will ever want.

    My most recent ex told me I changed at the end of our relationship and I wasn't the same person he asked out. This made me extremely unhappy because I don't realise it. He said I became almost impulsive; going out and partying, drinking and hanging about with the wrong crowd. He said at the start he fell in love with the girl who was pessimistic, you know, wasn't afraid to cry over her losses and could enjoy deep, meaningful conversations with. I thought he had changed; but he told me, once we had sex, that I changed from being that loving person, to somebody he didn't like. The relationship was my next one after an abusive one. My abusive relationship was last year, which is where the roots of my problems lie. I'm still so bitter about what happened, so much the police are now trying to prosecute him. I also had a miscarriage; and that's what brought me and my other ex closer - we were out together and I talked and opened up to him unlike anybody else. He said he liked that about me. But once again, I had to ruin it. The new relationship wasn't my cup of tea - I didn't feel wanted because I was always running after him and ringing him, and he only came out once every week, sometimes only once a fortnight. I cheated on him once and regretted it so badly. He found out and got upset, even though I tried to reassure him it was just impulsive, that there were no feelings. I think he got fed up of my behaviour, which I didn't know how to control.

    Ever since my recent break up, I find ways of making up other excuses. I don't believe he dumped me because of the fact I "changed", even though there's no evidence, I keep thinking it's because I'm not pretty enough, or thin enough, despite I have denied many modelling jobs and got told to put on a bit of weight. I just think that you can't fall "out of love" and that I must just be plain ugly and it gets me so wound up; I'll spend hours crying over it, then the next day I will be extremely happy, going around, going nuts and boasting about how great sex was with all these people. Many of my friends hate me when I'm like that - loud and brash, yet some days I can be extremely quiet and withdrawn. All my friends said I have changed since the events last year, and I've just been a shadow of my former self, like I'm scared or something, or too dependent on a partner for my happiness, which is true because I'm never happy unless I have a boyfriend. I don't feel beautiful unless I have a boyfriend.

    The height of my impulsive behaviour, was joining a glamour model site to get back at my ex. I posted very revealing pictures and I am ashamed to say I was proud of them. They are all gone now; but that's the extremes it went to. During these times, I was lying, but it led me to my ex, whom I loved with all my heart and gave me a bit of happiness since last year. Now he's gone, I just feel empty and worthless.

    I can pretty much guarantee once I finish this post and go out, I will feel very happy again, but that can change by the evening time, when I can verge on suicidal again.

    I am so fed up of all these emotions, it's like I'm emotionally unstable or something.. I don't know :(

    My friends said about Borderline Personality Disorder but I'm not too convinced..

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