i wanna apologize before hand because this is gonna get pretty graphic in detail but i dont want to leave anything out...so im apologizing before you guys even start reading this.. im starting to become suspicious that i might have been abused as a child.. ive always in my opinion had really weird sexual habits. i used to blame this on my dad for watching porn in our living room (lol) because i used to creep at the top of the stairs and watch what was going on. he never knew this but he caught me once and hurried up and turned it off and acted like he was just watching sportscenter or whatever. porn was really intriguing more than it should have been for an 8 year old girl. i started being really curious i feel so grossed and embarassed even typing this out so please bear with me.. it had to be a week after i caught him watching the porn i remember my first time getting turned on, i was looking for any and everything dirty to watch on tv and that was my first time masturbating. i think 8 is pretty young to begin these types of things, i never walked in on my parents having sex or heard them or anything like that. a few months after that i remember we got dsl for internet and my parents put a computer in my room. i want to say i spent like 75% of my time looking for porn websites, looking at porn websites, etc. i was 8 or 9 years old. weird. i also remember licking the crotch of one of my barbie dolls, ordering like 400$ worth of pay per view porn on my tv and blaming it on my dad, even masturbating in the same room WITH my cousin when i was around 10 (we werent touching each other, we were on separate sides of the room) & she's 2 years younger then me. i remember being around 4 or so asking my mom if we could put our tongues in each others mouths and close them. also when i was 4/5 i remember being at a female friends house and her asking if we could play "sex". it as really weird, i spent that night that night and that wasnt the first night i spent over there. i never agreed to play it but i thought it was pretty weird...im going to go ahead and jump the gun and say something was going on with her. its not normal for a 5 year old girl to ask another 5 year old girl to have sex, right? so what if something happened one of the nights i spent over there and i dont remember, would that be possible? anyhow back to my abnormal sexual habits...im almost obsessed with sex and i think this is weird because i'm a female. despite the whole licking my dolls crotch thing, i don't believe im a lesbian. ive never been in a relationship with a girl, ive fantasized about sexual encounters with females however never actually tried. if anything id call myself sexually adventurous but what girl isnt these days, however i think i am for a different reason. i also get EXTREMELY disgusted with men. i get disgusted with guys i have sex with, guys i would willingly do things with and then afterwards feel disgusting for it. i get disgusted when men check me out, when men message me on facebook to hit on me, stupid things like that they really disgust me more than the average person. i also had a period of time where i would get 100% turned on by rape. i remember watching a movie with my babysitter (i had to be around 12) and there was a scene where the girl was getting raped anally and i got turned on. i dont get turned on by this anymore though thats the thing. like if i watch something about someone getting raped or something like that i have the same wtf reaction as anyone else would. but getting turned on by rape at age 12??? NOT normal! for the longest time i blamed this on my dad and his porn, so thats what i blamed my curiosity on but i really don't think it was that. i have this weird obsession with rape and abuse and things like that. i can read and watch movies about that kind of thing for days, i have no idea why the hell its so interesting to me and i feel so filthy admitting it. i was watching a show earlier about a mom whos boyfriend was abusing her daughter who was 3, and i remember at the time the guy on the show was saying you know she probably wont even remember it when she gets older. thats when it hit me, what if something like that happened to me? and i just dont remember? it would make so much sense because ive clearly been put in some situations with potential abusers (staying at my cousins, that girls house, etc) but through all the bs my sex life is and always has been relatively normal. the worst thing i might have done was have sex with my sisters ex boyfriend. and we kept it up for a while as a secret because i enjoyed having sex with him and the only reason we stopped is because i got pregnant and he moved away. he was an asshole, obviously. anyhow i lost my virginity 15 to my first boyfriend. i was never really "promiscuous" until this year. but even so, it was kind of as to be expected because last year was my first year of college and i fell into the party lifestyle. i still wouldnt even consider myself promiscuous because all of the guys ive had sex with i ended up having a "thing" with, or i knew them for a while we were really good friends and hooked up, or something. i never had a hit & go except for once, and even then the guy called me for about a month after wanting to go out on a date...lol. ive never done anything out of the ordinary when ive had sex, i dont like being choked or anything, being beaten or dominated/submissed does not turn me on AT ALL. it doesnt turn me off either but its really not my cup of tea. everytime ive googled or looked up something about someone possibly being abused theyve always stated their weird needs during sex and i dont have any so this just leaves me feeling like a big pervert something i forgot to mention: the cousin i mentioned above who was 2 years younger then me actually came out a couple years ago and told my aunt her neighbor had molested her. i spent many nights over at this cousins house so i was thinking you know maybe he could have done the same to me? i really have this gut feeling that something happened to me as a child because my sexual tendencies are really weird for me to be a female. however at the same time its strange for me to be almost 20 years old and just questioning this. is this even possible? if i was to be getting abused wouldnt i remember something like that? i want to remember because it would answer so many questions. ive been acting out as long as i could remember, ive had various suicide attempts. my first time attempting suicide was 13 and the last time i tried was around 2 months ago. im very depressed and get very lonely, ive experimented with drugs (nothing stronger than painkillers though), alcohol, sex with different partners, anything to kill the depression. i refuse to go see a psychiatrist because im in the air force ROTC, they're paying for my school and i go on active duty after graduation. if i go see a psychiatrist and they find out im on meds for depression or something i'll be dq'ed. they will NOT take you if you have a present mental condition like that especially something that requires you to take meds every day. that's why every single time ive attempted suicide ive never gone to the hospital. i went the very first time i did because i went to a court date that day to support a family member on trial and passed out at the court house..and thank god the hospital i was taken to was closed down, because now they have no record of me ever having to go and i didnt have to tell the people at meps (military processing) because there's no record of it. what do you guys make of this? do you believe i was abused too? and how do i deal with this? i have no idea how to feel. im just so confused and lost and almost hurt. why would anyone abuse someone? it just baffles me...there are such cruel people in the world and if i was really abused it was clearly at a young age when i was innocent and didnt have the capability to hurt or do anything to anyone. i didnt deserve that at all, if i was...its a very sad feeling really.