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Is it possible to be happy and suicidal?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by roguefishfood, Jun 6, 2012.

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  1. roguefishfood

    roguefishfood Member

    I don't understand why I feel this way, but it's been this way a long time.

    I've been suicidal for almost ten years. It started when I was sad and angry and had a hard time focusing, it waned for a short while during university, but came back by the time I graduated. In the beginning it seemed I'd feel hopeless when I was depressed, and that's when the urges and feelings and ideas would take hold... but slowly over time it's... not. I feel hopeless even when I'm happy, and it's causing me a lot of confusion and pain.

    I have a nice apartment, a mostly good relationship, a worthwhile job that pays me a little bit more than I need to live and leaves me enough free time to do as I please, a sweet dog, good friends, and I used to feel trapped, but since I moved out of my home country, I seldom feel that anymore either. I am allergic to the sun and have mild IBS, but am otherwise in perfect health and I see myself as at least decent-looking most of the time. (IBS used to be worse, a major source of depression for me, but it's manageable now.)

    My life pretty much ticks all the boxes. I'm not living in luxury but I'm doing OK, and somehow it just makes it all the more frustrating that I feel like killing myself every single day. There used to be reasons for this, but now it seems so senseless.

    I don't understand it, and if I don't understand, what are the odds that anyone else would if I tried to talk to them? If they asked me what specifically was wrong, I'd have nothing to tell them. I just want to die. I wake up in the morning and I want to die. I walk to work and imagine jumping in front of a speeding car. I look out my office window and imagine taking the elevator to the top of a nearby apartment complex and diving off the roof. I come home at night, have a couple of drinks, and imagine taking something with the drinks that would put me to sleep forever.

    Nearly every day I live this way. It's been this way for years. Even on some of the best days of my entire life, I've thought about it maybe once. Even when I'm at my happiest, I think about it. Despite all of the good things, I feel useless, hopeless, and for no apparent reason. I shut people out even when they're kind to me, I hole up in my apartment and drink and surf the internet and try to come up with a way to die.

    My method of choice used to be jumping, and it still is, but I no longer have a place I know I can do it, and that gives me anxiety. I used to get rid of the feeling by reminding myself of the plan, and saying "just do it tomorrow." I've been procrastinating suicide for years. Now I get a lot of anxiety because in my new home, there's no plan.

    Is it possible to be happy and still want to die? Why don't I make sense?
  2. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Yes, I think it is possible. There are days that I feel okay, or even better than okay (not really happy - more like manic)... yet still in the back of my mind, I want to kill myself. Suicidal thoughts aren't always caused by depression. Sometimes they're impulsive. I've known people - perfectly happy people - who said that they can't stand near the edge of a cliff, because they have a strong urge to just jump. I really don't understand that at all... I'm depressed and suicidal, but shit, you get me near the edge of a cliff, and I'm looking for something to hang onto just in case I start to slip. I'm not necessarily afraid of heights or of dying, but my natural instinct tells me that I don't really want to plummet 100 feet to my death. Other peoples' instincts tell them the opposite, for whatever reason. Adrenaline maybe? Boredom? Unsatisfaction with life? Or maybe it's just some psychological disorder that you're unaware of. Something subconscious. A trigger. Repressed memories. Who knows?

    Are you really happy though? Just because you have all the elements of what "normal" people would consider to be a "happy" life, doesn't necessarily mean that you're happy. There are a lot of people who can't find joy in anything about life. Even those who have everything anyone could ever possibly want, they still feel empty inside for whatever reason. The human mind is a bizarre and complex thing. It doesn't always make sense. In fact, in my experience (with myself and in regards to others), it rarely makes sense. That's definitely one major biological function that medical science doesn't completely understand yet - and perhaps we never will. Maybe we weren't meant to. That's what makes us human. If we were perfect and infallible and always made sense, we would be nothing more than organic machines.
  3. primrose

    primrose Well-Known Member

    I think so too.

    It doesn't matter what you have,it's how you feel inside.
    Some days I can have a laugh with colleagues and feel quiet happy, but is momentary and the feeling of wanting to not be here never really leaves. In some respect being happy only makes it more prevelent as it shows me what I am missing out on and makes each slump deeper.
  4. madelinex

    madelinex New Member

    Rogue, I feel the exact same way. It seems no matter what mood I'm actually in, the thought of suicide is always there. It seems like its almost a solace. Some kind of escape plan. I feel that no matter what happens, there is always an inevitable escape in death. I hate that I feel this way. I do want to live, for the most part, but I rarely find more than temporary joy. I live a pretty much normal middle-class American life, I really have no troubles, I'm happily married, but I still have the thought of suicide at any given moment. Perhaps its the subconscious telling me all of this is superficial and meaningless and to stop lying to myself. Who knows?
  5. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I also live in a suicidle mind.I have alot of lifes b/s trying to bring me down i will admit but im stronger than that.Think what ya need to do is find that strength inside you thats kept you here and use it and find why suicide is a stupid option.Yes this is hard i know but find silice in something even if its going out looking at different birds or bits of nature evn making a new life plan etc ya strong even still we always here.Take care
  6. sp76

    sp76 Member

    I too live a life that some should think I should never have thoughts of suicide. I have a nice townhouse I live in with my wife and four year old son. My wife and I both work and have decent jobs that pay the bills, but none the less I still do not go a day without thinking of suicide. I have had a plan for about a year or more, but I still stand in limbo. Not sure that all people have a direct reason for their thoughts, maybe its something underlying, but hard to pin point, not sure.
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