...or is that like being a little bit pregnant? Thing is I keep thinking about suicide but it's an idle fantasy, sort of like thoughts of "I should kill myself" cross my mind in the same way I imagine someone who is not really a writer but wants to be would have thoughts about writing a novel. Maybe it's because I feel loosely tethered to reality as it is. I'm having a bit of a problem with panic right now and derealization sort of goes along with that territory. I wish I could just walk it off, snap out of it, suck it up, think about the good things, and so on. I'm afraid my thoughts are starting to take a certain shape that I recognize from before. Maybe being conscious of it is enough. I'm so good at self sabotage I even sabotage my own suicide attempts. Yeah I'm not sure how that works either.