Is it really domestic abuse?

Butterfly

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#1
I am currently in a very difficult relationship. We got together very quickly and things escalated very quickly. The issues started maybe when we were about 4 or 5 months into the relationship. He hit hard times as he lost his job supporting me through a mental breakdown. I took out a credit card to help support him financially as we weren't living together at the time. It really was innocent t and a short term thing. We both maxed out the credit card spending it in stupid shit. Both of our faults. However, he hit a bad patch then started blaming me for it all. He wasn't physically aggressive towards me but he was verbally aggressive. Said why was I struggling with money and where was it all going. Literally all my money was going on bills. I had to show him my bank account to prove where my money was going. He was very verbally aggressive towards me and said a load of hurtful stuff. He was drinking heavily and one night he scared me. I left and went to stay with my parents.

After that things got better and we sorted our finances out. Things were good for a few months until he quit his job in October. He hasn't managed to keep a job since. Coincidentally I had a severe psychotic breakdown and have been off work since October. I was in full pay for 6 months so finances were okay for a while. In January I got admitted to hospital for psychotic depression. Before I went in I gave my credit card to him which only had £300 spent on it for xmas presents and a few household things I needed which would have been easy to pay off. Anyway I gave it to him so he could buy necessities, pet food and food shopping. I thought it was only going to be for a month or so until he got a job. Wrong. He is still out of work now. He spent my entire credit card on god knows what. Takeaways, gaming and a load of other crap that I cant tell what it is on my statement. But as I was ill I never looked at my statement. I trusted him. Whilst on the ward I talked a lot about finances as it worried me. I also described the relationship. Bf would say he couldn't come see me in hospital unless I gave him money. He wanted money for this, money for that etc I never told the staff to slag him off I was just explaining the situation and why it worried me. The staff discussed it amongst themselves and decided it was financial and emotional abuse and did a safeguarding referral to social services. I didn't want it doing hut they did it anyway as they felt I was extremely vulnerable. With their help I managed to fer my credit card back but the damage was done. Since I have been out of hospital the relationship isn't great.

I have spoken to several professionals about the situation, all who say this is domestic abuse. I have even been given resources to get help and support for domestic abuse. But I just do not see it. I don't feel like it is. I feel like I made a stupid decision and my bf just let things spiral out of control as he is not working and not eligible for any benefits. But I am in severe financial difficulty now. Bills are not being paid. I cant feed myself. I have one meal a day which is normally frozen chips, beans on toast or pasta. I am in half pay now. I just do not get paid enough right now to pay for all the Bill's a d debt I have. Everything is in my name. He even sweet talked me into taking out another loan to pay for his debts.

I don't know. Is it abuse??
 

Were all together

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#4
May not be physical abuse. But, it is mental abuse. You're in a toxic relationship. Being pulled down by his actions, which he will blame on you in the long run. If you want to recover, cut your losses now. If you don't, then prepare for more hardship. Hate to be blount, but it's true. Alot of women stay with abusive relationships because of low self esteem and afraid of being alone. Both of which, can be helped. But, being in a bad relationship can't. Not when the other partner doesn't want to put in 50%. Relationships are 50/50. Not 95/5.
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
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#6
@Butterfly - I’m sorry you were so ill and in such a vulnerable state. I think he took advantage of having access to your credit card (spending on his own interests) and his refusal to visit you in hospital unless you gave him money was manipulative. In my opinion, when someone is more vulnerable than another in a relationship, a loving partner looks after the more vulnerable person’s well-being, they don’t add to the problems by making financial and/or emotional demands.

Do you think it is abuse? Is it how you want to be treated?

In many places these things do fit the definitions for emotional and financial abuse. If you are not sure why the staff secured a referral to social services for abuse for you, perhaps you could ask to see the referral or to be informed of the reasons for the referral. And really consider whether you think his treatment of you is loving and supportive. If you have another chance to speak to the social services worker, maybe have them walk you through what abuse really is and how it happens. It can become a vicious cycle. As @Were all together notes, people can get stuck in bad situations out of fear.

The big question is whether or not this is a healthy and happy relationship for you and how you feel about it.

Please take care of yourself. *big hug*
 

Butterfly

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#8
Thanks guys. I just don't see it. I just see it as me making bad decisions but everyone tells me it is domestic abuse and that just because he's not hitting me doesn't mean it's not either. I was even safeguarded for it. So I guess everyone else thinks that it's a massive deal?? Is it common for victims of abuse to not realise that it is actually abuse??
 

Were all together

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#10
Thanks guys. I just don't see it. I just see it as me making bad decisions but everyone tells me it is domestic abuse and that just because he's not hitting me doesn't mean it's not either. I was even safeguarded for it. So I guess everyone else thinks that it's a massive deal?? Is it common for victims of abuse to not realise that it is actually abuse??
Alot of times abuse victims don't see it, because in thier minds the abuser is doing it out of love. So, it's hard to blame them. He may not do it physically. But, he does it in a way, you don't realize it. It's not uncommon for guys to take advange of girls with low esteem. He'll use you until you get wise to him. Then, he'll dump you like a rock. They don't like smart women.
 

BlueGreen

Well-Known Member
#11
That's definitely abuse. He's leeching off you and anyone prepared to exploit a person when they are in hospital and in need of support will never change. I'm sorry but to be blunt he sounds like a parasite. He will make your life so much harder and as Were all together says, he will dump you in the end. You need to cut your losses before they become a massive problem for you. You really do deserve so much better and you deserve to be treated with compassion and respect.
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Admin
SF Supporter
#12
Is it common for victims of abuse to not realise that it is actually abuse??
@Butterfly, I don’t know if it’s common. I think many victims have become accustomed to abuse (sometimes growing up with it and then moving into abusive intimate partner relationships), and they can’t see their everyday life is abusive because it’s their “normal.” That is part of the effect that ongoing abuse has on a person - shutting down their self-esteem and understanding of what is “acceptable” treatment. I also think that many victims are further victimized by the abuser when they call out the behaviour...the abuser lays on blame and guilt, the suggestion that the victim is somehow to blame for the abuser’s behaviour. (It’s not the victim’s fault.)

My sense is that he’s using you. Does he intend to hurt you? I dunno. He’s still using you whether he means to hurt you or not. He’s an adult and on some level he knows better. What is stopping him from doing better by you? (BIG hint: It’s not your fault.)
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
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#13
You say they were your own bad decisions, and certainly that's partly the case, but it sounds like he really manipulated you into a lot of it. Obviously you want to help someone you love, but he never should have asked you to take out a loan to pay his debt. That's not something anyone should ask of someone they love, unless maybe they're married and finances are already intertwined. You deserve to be with someone who is going to look out for your interests.
 

Freya

Loves SF
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#14
Whether or not it is abuse I cannot say, but it is him spending YOUR money on things that he had to assume you were not authorising him to spend it on and that, to me, is borderline theft. You have a pattern of letting people take advantage of you and making excuses for them. He behaved badly and that was not your fault. You blame yourself for poor decision making several times but you are not the person that took advantage, chose to stay home and play video games and eat takeaways instead of going and getting a job and didn't bother to come and visit you in hospital.

In the end, it boils down to the fact that you deserve better. You deserve not to always be the person supporting, looking after, paying the bills, taking care of everything. You deserve to be with someone who treats the relationship as a partnership and that is not something that I feel you have ever had. I don't know why it is that you don't think you deserve that but you do.
 

Butterfly

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#15
I will end the relationship. Everyone thinks I'm stalling because I haven't done it yet but that's not the case. I just need a few more small victories for my MH and my aim is to go back to work, make sure I cope with it then end the relationship. It might not make sense to others but it does to me?? I know he has taken advantage of me BUT if things go south he is actually pretty good at spotting it so it is selfish but I am keeping him around for that reason.

Money situation is dire. I really dont know what to do.
 

Butterfly

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#17
I know I posted this a while ago but I thought I'd give you all an update.

I told my parents everything that my bf had done to me when I went abroad. I ended up back in hospital in September. I had so much shit going on and I was overwhelmed. My finances were dire, my mood was dire, I had debt collectors after me, relationship was dire etc. I just could not see a way forward or a way out. So I ended up back in hospital with psychotic depression and got diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. Whilst in hospital I broke up with my bf because of everything that had gone on. I felt bad about it because I was literally all he had. But I had to do it. My parents called him a leech and that I was better off without him and that I should cease communication. I couldn't cut off contact straight away cos he had my dog and was looking after my cat. But I have now blocked him from everything.

I feel liberated. I feel as though I deserve better. I think it was abuse. It was just hard to see.
 

SickAndTired

I give up
SF Supporter
#18
@Butterfly - you definitely do deserve better than your ex. I would have to be catastrophically ill before I would actually ask, let alone expect, a girlfriend to support me, and even then I would feel guilty as hell. A grown ass man just doesn't leech off anyone - especially his girlfriend.

You're much better off without this man in your life. I hope the next man you meet knows how to treat you with the respect you deserve.
 

SickAndTired

I give up
SF Supporter
#20
@SickAndTired thank you. I sometimes feel bad about it but you know what, now I'm out of hospital (pretty much) I feel liberated.

I'm glad that you feel liberated @Butterfly - I'm sure it's difficult ending a relationship but from what you've described your ex wasn't treating you very well at all. Life is difficult enough as it is when everything is going your way, but whenever you have a physical or mental health issue it makes day-to-day life even more challenging.

That doesn't mean that you're fragile, I just think that any man you get involved with should step up and do everything in his power to lift you up when you're going through a bad time and not drag you down even further.
 

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