Heres a summary of my life and depression.
I can remember having my first suicidal thoughts in primary school, would have been about 10. The trouble really started in my last 2 years of primary school when I moved from a school i liked, and probably the 3 best friends I have ever had, to a school I hated. Those 2 years really set me back, the typical shit you get in schools - taunts and bullying. High school was even worse...High School is a popularity contest, with you as a contestant for 6 years, and if you fail for any reason, your in for 6 years of hell. If you could imagine engineering the worst possible environment for a kid to grow up in, you would end up with something that looks a lot like High School. I failed because of my appearance, and because I rebelled against the popular student culture at the time. I seriously wanted to go on a spree in that place and I can COMPLETELY understand why people do it. Im lucky i didnt have access to firearms, I shit you not...and people that know me now would never believe I could have thought that way, never believe I had the desire to wipe out 1400 students lol. Throughout those years I had suicidal thoughts every week. In one sense, it helped me build a certain mental toughness. I walled myself off from the world and I dealt with it internally. I was quite successful in doing that, after a while the taunts and bullying no longer bothered me as much, but the price I had to pay for it was a stiff one. I became very isolated, with only a couple friends in the entire 6 years, my social development was severely stunted, still a child really at the age of 17 and 18. Not mentally, mentally an adult, but socially, socially incapable.
University was a welcome relief from the drama of High School, and fortunately during the couple years I did attend Uni, I managed to regain at least some of the social skills that were leeched from me in High School, some of the confidence I lost...not enough, I still didnt socialise a great deal, unless you call countless hours at the university bar "socializing", playing cards and drinking. I still had virtually zero romantic relationships, with a couple of extremely short exceptions. Overall it was a good experience, I grew from it, an experience I would like to repeat, but I was still very depressed, and isolated in my own head.
After University things went backwards again. By this time i had developed the skills necessary to work, to function at a basic level, to communicate with people, very well in fact, and hold down a job, but when it came to after hours, and living any sort of social life, I was still defunct, still broken. I had a lot of trouble talking to people in social situations, men and women. I never went on a date, didnt even approach women for over a decade. I didnt go to parties, rarely went to nightclubs, and if i did, i made sure it was as short as possible. When I recall those years, I can count the trully good times i had with one hand.
Im now in my mid 30's, and the last 10 years have been pretty difficult. To cut a long story short ive been leading a solitary and lonely existance. Ive had many thoughts of suicide, and paid 2 visits to hospital, but Ive still never made a serious attempt.
What has changed over the last 10 years is my ability to interact with people, im far better now than Ive ever been. I can work with little difficulty, talk to people and socialize as well as anybody else on the rare occassions im presented with the opportunity. I still find it very hard to maintain friendships/relationships, because I withdraw a lot, I dont maintain connections with people. I withdraw because I dont believe I lead an interesting life, nor having anything interesting to say. The truth is I dont lead an interesting life, and really dont have anything interesting to say. When I try to say things, most of the time it becomes a ramble. I think all those years living inside my head has kinda dulled my brain a bit lol. My inability to develop a life, outside of the jobs Ive had, and my inability to maintain friendships are the main reasons for my depression these days.
Right now im living with my girlfriend, the first real relationship Ive had thats lasted. We've had our problems and still do, but ive grown a lot in 12 months with her. I still have no real life, very few friends, all of which i never see cause there all online, and no real reason to get up in the morning, but I can honestly say my thoughts of suicide have dropped off. They still happen, I still have my trully shit days, but providing my health holds up and things go as planned, I can see some sort of future for myself.
Are suicidal feelings something we must live with for our entire life, or a temporary problem? I honestly believe its what we do to make ourselves happier and fuller that determines that. If you continue the same life thats brought you to that point, then you cant expect to feel differantly all of a sudden, you will carry on being miserable and suicidal, but if you make an attempt to find some happiness, change your life, challenge yourself to change, then perhaps those thoughts will one day disappear. Right now I see myself as a person that suffers moderate depression. Im by no means "cured" but ive come through some pretty crap years and live to tell the tale, im sure you can too.