I read advice which often says that the suicidal feelings someone has are 'temporary' and it's the same with depression. Yet I am 25 and still frequently get flare ups of suicidal feelings. I can still remember how vividly and desperately I wanted to die at 11 years old, how unhappy I was at at that age. I was mostly stopped from the pain of dying and the fear of being found before dead because of shame. The suicidal feelings calm down but they never really go away. I don't want to have the feelings and I don't really want to die - I want to be not miserable/depressed, happy and fulfilled. To have a good life. It is predictable how they are always there and always flaring up. Some periods are worse than others. Recently I've been thinking that the longer it goes on, the longer nothing changes and that makes me think that maybe I should really do it because why put myself through decades yet of nothing much changing with the exception of something radical and unlikely happening. I do not actually think I will kill myself for a few years yet at least though. I've come to see that I don't really want to die but I do want these feelings and my depression to stop. It's so disillusioning reading things that say it is "only temporary". It probably is for many people but hasn't been my experience.