Is it really "temporary"?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bluebird002, Sep 28, 2008.

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  1. bluebird002

    bluebird002 Active Member

    I read advice which often says that the suicidal feelings someone has are 'temporary' and it's the same with depression.

    Yet I am 25 and still frequently get flare ups of suicidal feelings. I can still remember how vividly and desperately I wanted to die at 11 years old, how unhappy I was at at that age. I was mostly stopped from the pain of dying and the fear of being found before dead because of shame.

    The suicidal feelings calm down but they never really go away. I don't want to have the feelings and I don't really want to die - I want to be not miserable/depressed, happy and fulfilled. To have a good life. It is predictable how they are always there and always flaring up. Some periods are worse than others.

    Recently I've been thinking that the longer it goes on, the longer nothing changes and that makes me think that maybe I should really do it because why put myself through decades yet of nothing much changing with the exception of something radical and unlikely happening. I do not actually think I will kill myself for a few years yet at least though. I've come to see that I don't really want to die but I do want these feelings and my depression to stop.

    It's so disillusioning reading things that say it is "only temporary". It probably is for many people but hasn't been my experience.
  2. white

    white Well-Known Member

    are you talking to anybody about it in real life, are u on meds
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Bluebird,
    For some people it goes away. For others it is with you for life. Mine have been with me for along time. I am 51 now and I still have them. What you need is a good therapist!! MIne Has taught me how to live with my thoughts and some of them I have let go of for good.
    I will be suicidal for the rest of my life. I just cope with it. Your therapist will teach you coping skills! I wish you the best. Take Care.~Joseph~
  4. bluebird002

    bluebird002 Active Member

    white, I was made to go to my doctor by an online friend and it was so humiliating. I could not stop from breaking down there and then. She gave me a website which seems to be CBT and offered anti-depressants, which I declined because I just don't want the chemicals, side effects, plus I have serious doubts that they actually work. I am avoidant, and can't communicate because I am deaf, so it is difficult for me to explain and have a conversation although I wrote things down. Should I have taken the anti-depressants? I have talked to the aforementioned friend about it but I am now afraid of talking about it too much because they can't fix it. I have this sense that no-one and nothing can fix it.

    Joseph, yes, that is what I suspect and am afraid of - that this will never go away unless something radically changes. I'm not sure what the key is. I really want to find a 'key' that fixes it all but have the deep vacillating ups and downs into suicidal desires all the time. My life really sucks although as I keep reminding myself, it could be worse, but I have so many fears, am practically a recluse, alienated from people, can't seem to find any meaningful connection with 99.9% of them and a bleak existence. I don't have any self-worth or confidence, it seems. Maybe I should look up the CBT website again and try harder to follow it all but it seems so much work at the moment.

    I just don't get how people can connect.. it completely escapes me and there is no-one who wants me the way I want them to want me. I would like a decently paying job that I can do and progress in, a spouse who lives with me and to be functional in life. I know those things won't make me happy though. I really hate this life and I fail to 'get' what everyone else seems to be able to do. I have been playing with things like letting go of these desires, not caring and not having a purpose in life but I know that this is a lie and it doesn't stop the void of emptiness that I exist in so much of the time. Other people judge you really harshly on things like a lack of friends, good job and spouse, too and I'm still tied to what they think even though I have tried to remove myself from them as much as possible so that I don't have to deal with it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 30, 2008
  5. bluebird002

    bluebird002 Active Member

    I wish it were allowed to kill yourself - that there's a system set up that useless and unhappy people can volunteer to die without repercussions (pain, hurting or disturbing other people).
  6. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Heres a summary of my life and depression.

    I can remember having my first suicidal thoughts in primary school, would have been about 10. The trouble really started in my last 2 years of primary school when I moved from a school i liked, and probably the 3 best friends I have ever had, to a school I hated. Those 2 years really set me back, the typical shit you get in schools - taunts and bullying. High school was even worse...High School is a popularity contest, with you as a contestant for 6 years, and if you fail for any reason, your in for 6 years of hell. If you could imagine engineering the worst possible environment for a kid to grow up in, you would end up with something that looks a lot like High School. I failed because of my appearance, and because I rebelled against the popular student culture at the time. I seriously wanted to go on a spree in that place and I can COMPLETELY understand why people do it. Im lucky i didnt have access to firearms, I shit you not...and people that know me now would never believe I could have thought that way, never believe I had the desire to wipe out 1400 students lol. Throughout those years I had suicidal thoughts every week. In one sense, it helped me build a certain mental toughness. I walled myself off from the world and I dealt with it internally. I was quite successful in doing that, after a while the taunts and bullying no longer bothered me as much, but the price I had to pay for it was a stiff one. I became very isolated, with only a couple friends in the entire 6 years, my social development was severely stunted, still a child really at the age of 17 and 18. Not mentally, mentally an adult, but socially, socially incapable.

    University was a welcome relief from the drama of High School, and fortunately during the couple years I did attend Uni, I managed to regain at least some of the social skills that were leeched from me in High School, some of the confidence I lost...not enough, I still didnt socialise a great deal, unless you call countless hours at the university bar "socializing", playing cards and drinking. I still had virtually zero romantic relationships, with a couple of extremely short exceptions. Overall it was a good experience, I grew from it, an experience I would like to repeat, but I was still very depressed, and isolated in my own head.

    After University things went backwards again. By this time i had developed the skills necessary to work, to function at a basic level, to communicate with people, very well in fact, and hold down a job, but when it came to after hours, and living any sort of social life, I was still defunct, still broken. I had a lot of trouble talking to people in social situations, men and women. I never went on a date, didnt even approach women for over a decade. I didnt go to parties, rarely went to nightclubs, and if i did, i made sure it was as short as possible. When I recall those years, I can count the trully good times i had with one hand.

    Im now in my mid 30's, and the last 10 years have been pretty difficult. To cut a long story short ive been leading a solitary and lonely existance. Ive had many thoughts of suicide, and paid 2 visits to hospital, but Ive still never made a serious attempt.

    What has changed over the last 10 years is my ability to interact with people, im far better now than Ive ever been. I can work with little difficulty, talk to people and socialize as well as anybody else on the rare occassions im presented with the opportunity. I still find it very hard to maintain friendships/relationships, because I withdraw a lot, I dont maintain connections with people. I withdraw because I dont believe I lead an interesting life, nor having anything interesting to say. The truth is I dont lead an interesting life, and really dont have anything interesting to say. When I try to say things, most of the time it becomes a ramble. I think all those years living inside my head has kinda dulled my brain a bit lol. My inability to develop a life, outside of the jobs Ive had, and my inability to maintain friendships are the main reasons for my depression these days.

    Right now im living with my girlfriend, the first real relationship Ive had thats lasted. We've had our problems and still do, but ive grown a lot in 12 months with her. I still have no real life, very few friends, all of which i never see cause there all online, and no real reason to get up in the morning, but I can honestly say my thoughts of suicide have dropped off. They still happen, I still have my trully shit days, but providing my health holds up and things go as planned, I can see some sort of future for myself.

    Are suicidal feelings something we must live with for our entire life, or a temporary problem? I honestly believe its what we do to make ourselves happier and fuller that determines that. If you continue the same life thats brought you to that point, then you cant expect to feel differantly all of a sudden, you will carry on being miserable and suicidal, but if you make an attempt to find some happiness, change your life, challenge yourself to change, then perhaps those thoughts will one day disappear. Right now I see myself as a person that suffers moderate depression. Im by no means "cured" but ive come through some pretty crap years and live to tell the tale, im sure you can too.
  7. Righteous

    Righteous Well-Known Member

    I feel what u are saying bro. It seems that u don't wanna die but u just want this misery in yo life 2 be over. I feel the same way, I don't think I'll kill myself soon, well it depends on how my court case turns out that I mentioned in my last post. I'm constantly fighting hard 2 have a reason 2 live.
    I do kind of have a reason 2 live but that's going 2 be uncertain 4 the next few weeks. I almost feel like I am cursed and that I will continue to get teased with the possibility of a good life. I can't say rather or not u should kill yourself since I am suicidal too. But I do understand why u want 2 do it.

    So as far as life problems being temporary, 4 some people they are and 4 some people they are not. Some people live almost perfectly happy lives
    4ever and some people live horrible miserable lives 4ever. The thought of life getting better is 4 some people just as illusionary as a dragon or a unicorn. And hey a lot of the time it is an illusion. I can't promote suicide but as 4 me I know I can't continue 2 live If my life doesn't get better.
  8. bluebird002

    bluebird002 Active Member

    Thanks MJ and Righteous. MJ, I don't think you're boring and your story was interesting. I hope things carry on improving for you. You're right about doing things and changing patterns. Easier said than done tho. . .

    Righteous, it completely sucks about that drug addict guy - so unfair. :mad: Try at least waiting until it is over before doing anything - you never know - it might not end in a prosecution.
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