Is it really worth it?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by IWantToRunAway, Feb 17, 2011.

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  1. IWantToRunAway

    IWantToRunAway New Member

    Hello to all. I'm new here, so I'm not really sure where to post this; it's been hard enough getting over my shyness to make a post about myself. I feel that I just have to get it all out, somewhere, somehow.
    I haven't always been this shy. I used to be a happy-go-lucky kind of a girl, you know, friends with everyone and such. That was until I was about 12. Then, I don't really know why, I shut everyone out; not all at once, of course, but little by little. I stopped talking to people, and especially avoided conversations about myself or anything else but facts (studies and such). I hardly shared my beliefs and opinions, never believing them to be adequate or noteworthy.
    What could've caused this? Puberty, my parents would say. But it's not, really -- no one else I know acts like this. I feel like I'm isolated entirely; trapped in my own goddamn body. I don't like talking to people, I hate it when they look at me like they're judging me and I especially hate it when, after I gather the courage to tell them something I deem truly ingenious, they only say "oh, that's nice" in a way that says "you're a moron, please don't speak to me again".
    However no one notices that I'm not all right with the way things are. My parents think I'm doing okay because I stay out of trouble and get perfect grades (or, more likely, they just don't care -- they never ask me how I am and, even if I tell them how lost I feel they just brush it off or tell me to quit being such a bitch -- and I'm not a bitch, believe me, I'm just constantly depressed).
    I basically have no friends. None that know me for who I am, at least. People only see what they want to see and, in my case, it's a smart girl who's okay being on her own. And I'm not like that. I want someone who'd get me, who'd understand the way I think and act and actually listen to what I'm saying. I just what someone who'd tell me that I'm not all that bad.
    And this whole lack of friends has driven me to a point where I seriously considered committing suicide. The first time was after my brother (who has been making fun of me and everything I do my entire life) threatened to beat me so hard "I wouldn't be able to go out for weeks". My parents, after I told them, brushed it off immediately after I told them -- they believe that as long as no physical harm is caused, everything is fine. I had no one there to support me. I had no one on my side. After that, I haven't been able to stop thinking about killing myself. I mean, really, is life worth it? Going through the same thing every single day, faking politeness, letting people constantly cheat off you during tests because otherwise you'd be classified as an evil, selfish bitch, then go back to being ignored by all -- all for what? I'm not pretty, I'm not from a major country, so I'm pretty much screwed when it comes to getting into a decent university (though I do dream of going to one of England's top universities), though the one thing that bothers me most is that I have no one to live for. I mean, really, life would go on as usual if I died. Would anyone even notice? Would anyone ever look back on my life and think "I should've saved that girl"?
    And sometimes I feel like I already know the answer.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i am sorry your brother is so cruel to you You need to talk okay and if Your parents are not hearing you the talk to a school councilor tell them how you are feeling and you need help. Call your regular doctor and get appt to get accessed to see what you have depression or maybe other things medically wrong but get checked out okay. Don't stay like this when you can be getting help therapy meds to help you feel better more like you did when you were 12 People tend to not listen so you have to make them hear okay YOU take control and get help for you now okay. Talk to school councilors talk to your doctor then retalk to your parents and let them know you need help now hugs to you:hugtackles::hugtackles:
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so glad you posted, knowing it was hard for you...that was very brave...and it is awful how mistreated you were...he should not get away with this as you are worth so much more and deserve to be safe...please continue to post and see if there is someone in RL you can trust to talk to about this...there are many ppl here who can relate to what you have written...thanks again for sharing, big hugs, J
  4. philipkw1

    philipkw1 Active Member

    I am very sorry for the way your life has turned out. I am also new here. Let us all try to help each other through these troubles. Best of luck to you.
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