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Is it really worth killing yourself?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Endlessagony, May 28, 2011.

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  1. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    I mean is it really? Obviously I can't know what anyone else is feeling but I've been down that road a few times but I've always come to the same conclusion... I want to know what happens next. I've been struggling with my feelings for a rough 20 years now and I know things aren't going to get better, I accept that I'm not ever going to be what I want. My daily life is on a constant decline and has been for a long time. Still right now I don't think I would choose suicide, no matter what would happen. Even though things are very bad I know they could be a lot worse, still I can't consider the possibility.

    Sometimes it feels like I want to die (or at the very least that I wouldn't care if I did) but that's always a passing feeling, no matter how bad it may seem. Why choose death when you can first try to numb your demons with alcohol and/or drugs? Really? It's not recommended of course but certainly it is better than death? Right now I'm realizing that certain substances can be a good and viable option to death when things get out of hand.

    I think society is way too judgemental towards mind-altering substances. Sure you will get a hangover but tell me what psychological medicine doesn't have side effects?
  2. Valkyrie Hatter Unmasked

    Valkyrie Hatter Unmasked Active Member

    As saddening as this may sound, I really don't want to live in a life where I'm not doing something I enjoy whether it be a career or my freetime.

    I've never numbed myself to keep myself from killing myself. I used drugs and chemicals that cause hallucinations. Why did i do such things? Well really at that time in me life I had no friends and I didn't want to deal with reality. So in an indirect way it was keeping me from killing myself but as soon as I stopped those repressed suicidal thoughts just washed over me like water from an opened floodgate.

    Drugs are not ideal because when you run out or cannot afford them anymore the situation is much worse than before. Tap on the repressed feelings with withdrawl and you've got the deadliest cocktail imaginable.
  3. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    I agree with you, drugs are not ideal but my train of thought was that it's better than killing yourself? As long as there is something you can squeeze out of life isn't it worth it? Maybe it all depends on the situation you're in, right now I just feel strongly this way. I know I'm going to suffer the next day when I'm doing it but for me it is often the only way. I've tried a few different anti-depressant and quite frankly I'm not sure they were any better. Side-effects are always there no matter what drug you take.

    I've been to seven (I think) different therapists and none of them could really help me with my problems, I need practical therapy (which I can't get BTW).
  4. Valkyrie Hatter Unmasked

    Valkyrie Hatter Unmasked Active Member

    Addiction will literally kill your life. Family and friends will never look at you the same and you'll feel even worse than before when you go down this twisted road.

    I'd suggest admitting yourself because addiction is far worse than just depression alone.
  5. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    I might have given you the wrong idea about my addiction, it may not be as severe as you think. I also realize now that I'm speaking solely about my immediate feelings on the subject. I don't do drugs almost ever, my choice of intoxication is alcohol always. Right now I don't drink during the week ever, only on weekends. So I guess this might have come out wrong what I meant.

    I do however experience suicidal thoughts and feelings often during the week when I'm sober, sometimes when they are really bad I get myself drunk and deal with them the next morning. I haven't been abusing alcohol for a very long time, I've had these feelings and thoughts for a long time (also during a 5 year period where I didn't consume a drop of alcohol).

    My point was that if everything is to hell already why not indulge yourself?
    As far as the family matter goes that is gone already for me so not that much to lose in that department really. You can call me pathetic you want but I don't care anymore about anything.
  6. Valkyrie Hatter Unmasked

    Valkyrie Hatter Unmasked Active Member

    Personally I think you're indulging yourself in the wrong drug of choice because alcohol is much more dangerous than something like ecstacy.

    I'm not condoning you to pick ecstacy over alcohol because both are dangerous but alcohol is much more dangerous.
  7. abe6

    abe6 Member

    this may seem obvious but you just haven't been low enough in life or you just have a very strong mental makeup that most of us on here aren't blessed with

    this was my plan b a few years ago when i was battling different demons, i overcame those and it never came to that. but i think the downside of addiction might be worse than death; that everyone around you will look see you as a failure. currently my pain cannot be cured by drugs :(
  8. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    i'll probly try boozing in a couple of years when I can. although I have this feeling that I'll become seriously addicted and end up dead within a week(wouldnt be surprised if it happened, im not a huge person so my overdose limit might be small).
  9. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    I just wanted to point out that I'm not advocating people to start drinking, I think I was clear that it is not an ideal solution (it is infact not a solution at all).

    Maybe I haven't been low enough in life I don't know, I do know that this is a pretty recent thing for me. Most of my life I've battled with these things and a lot of times life has felt completely hopeless. At my worst I was completely shut down in every way, I couldn't even enjoy or do light recreational things. Months and years would slowly pass by without achieving anything, sometimes I wouldn't step outside of my room for months.

    As of now things are better I guess mostly because I'm a very persistent person, I've managed to torture myself through getting a job and finding an apartment. I've even got a girlfriend. Still I've been slowly dying inside because I haven't been able to enjoy anything that I've accomplished. I know many might think I have it fine but I still feel like complete crap. My relationship with my girlfriend is a huge disaster, constant fighting all the time. I've clung to her like a needy little child because I don't think I was ready to be in a serious relationship when I met her. She's cheated on me several times and because of the doormat I am she's also used me as a personal punching bag (not physically).

    Still I love her with all my heart and frankly I couldn't manage without her...

    I'm really a very positive person on the inside and perhaps it's that which keeps me going, hoping things might someday be better. I get easily hooked on drinking I guess because it has the magical power of letting me go of my worries for a while.
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