Here's a question that I've been wrestling with. We often hear the mantra that suicide is "selfish." Okay, maybe there's truth to that in many circumstances. I can buy that up to a certain point. But what about if it's truly and sincerely the case that people would be better off if you were gone? I don't mean that as a dramatic statement. I mean it as a statement of fact. If that's the case ... if it's the case that, say, ultimately your immediate family would be better off without you, then ... isn't it "selfish" to not go through with suicide? This is what I'm wrestling with. I guess the fact that I'm even posting on a forum like this says I must have doubts in my mind. And, honestly, I don't understand that. Because I feel sure of what I say. While I don't think I've been the worst husband and father ever, there's massive room for improvement. Beyond even that, however, I think I'm a pathologically self-destructive person. I don't mean that in terms of "cutting myself" or anything like that. I more mean it in the sense of taking stupid risks, such as with career choices in terms of job hopping. Those stupid risks have finally caught up with me in a big way, such that I've really risked everything in terms of family stability and security. It's one thing if you take yourself down the rabbit hole, but when you take your family with you ....? So it's a paradox for me. I'm nothing without my family. That I know. I couldn't live without them. Nor would I want to. And yet I'm a destructive influence on that family. So -- to use that familiar phrase, but in a different way -- I can't live with them and I can't live without them. My options have been reduced to one; my single choice is clear. So why is it so damn hard? Why do I keep having to rationalize and justify it to myself? Why can't I just do it? Why do I go to a forum like this and bother people with my ramblings when they have their own problems? Why do I hold out hope emotionally when logically and intellectually I know that there is no real hope? For once in my life ... just once ... I have a clear choice that would actually be a selfless action. It would allow me, once and for all, to repudiate the person I was and, in ending my life, at least achieve some measure of justification and perhaps even judgment. And yet, here I am. I'm still here. I'm still causing my family problems. I'm being selfish. I'm putting my own fear of taking suicidal action above that of my family. I don't know how to break this loop. I don't know how to find the courage to do what I need to do. The only people I could ask that did break the loop are the ones that finally did it -- and so I can't ask them! When you think about it, it's almost comical. Or it would be if it wasn't so pathetic.