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Is it stupid to feel this way?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ume94, Feb 21, 2013.

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  1. Ume94

    Ume94 Member

    Hi everyone.

    Its my first time on a suicide forum like this & i'm feeling rather awkward typing my feelings in here because I'm usually not the type to share my feelings with others, especially people i don't know. But i desperately needed some advice from you all :) since i think everyone here is kind of considering suicide.

    I'm 19 years old this year and have been experiencing strong feelings of depression since my boyfriend broke up with me on 1st january this year. We got back together after, but he broke up with me again a couple of weeks later. The cause of the 1st break up was because we kept arguing over many things and the second time was because he had enough of arguments and i think he was just tired. Both times i begged him to get back together with me, and he did. We are together now & our relationship isn't bad or anything now in the sense that we aren't having arguments etc, but every day it feels like i'm walking on eggshells. I feel like i never know what is coming next in the relationship and i feel anxious everytime he doesn't respond to me for over a couple of hours. I never pester him or anything, or even send extra text messages or call. All i do is just sit there alone panicking and wondering if everything's ok or if i did something wrong again that will cause another breakup.

    I used to be very active in school and in my social life etc, but that's all gone now because of this anxiety that i have everytime i feel something's wrong. It causes me to be unable to function and i just sit around or pace around crying because i don't know why i feel like this and i don't know what to do. I'm currently seeing a psychologist (I've gone previously when i was 13 and 15) but i have never felt as bad as this. The previous two times when he broke up with me i went crazy and skipped school and slit my wrists. No major damage was caused, but now i'm finding myself thinking of suicide daily because i can't imagine myself living anxiously this way in the future.

    My parents know but have no idea on how to help me and i feel terrible making them see me this way. they don't deserve it. They and my upbringing (my whole family is christian and the belief is that suicide=hell) are the only things keeping me from doing it.

    I feel tired all the time and have been falling sick alot. I take sleeping pills to make myself fall asleep or feel drowsy everyday so i don't have to stay awake and "face life" or feel anxious. I'm dropping out of my school because i can no longer keep up and am going to a private school in april. I feel miserable because i'm too afraid to die somewhat, but living is very exhausting. The thought that one day he might leave me again makes me really anxious and depressed. I don't know how to get better and i can't seem to will myself out of anything, especially not the relationship.

    It really kills me to see a relationship destroy my life. Its like my mind knows that i shouldn't be allowing this to happen but when i get anxious i can't even think straight. I dare not tell my friends or even my parents about the full extent of my anxiety and depressed feelings for fear that they will judge me or be affected by my feelings. I have affected them enough.

    I need help, or any suggestions. Thanks. :0
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Ume. I think you have come to the right place. This is such a caring community. I am glad you are here. I am so sorry you are suffering. And clearly you are :hug: You said you have not told your family and friends how bad things really are with you. Does your therapist know? And the second question: Are you on any medication to help treat the anxiety and depression? Many people are able to function/ manage things well in life because they are on medication. Even famous people. Very respected people. So those are my two questions. :butterfly: a butterfly for you
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Ume - I will PM you the details of a pastoral therapist your parents might be interested in contacting on your behalf. I cannot post the details publicly because of house rules. Hope you find the PM OK :)
  4. f5j23jk2

    f5j23jk2 Well-Known Member

    I don't know if this helps, but the last time i felt anxious and bad because of liking a girl that didn't seem to care about me anymore, after suffering for a long time, i decided to let her know how bad she was making me feel and then i removed her from my life, and some time later i started feeling better.
    I'm no good example though, because i'll be alone until i die.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I used to have the exact same feelings-feeling I've done something wrong, or that my boyfriend has left me if he hadn't contact me in x hours. It was truly dreadful and I felt so alone, 'cos no one else could understand but like you I mostly bottled up the feelings too. Honestly, the best thing that helped me through this was anti anxiety medications. Where are you getting the sleeping pills from? If a professional, they may be able to give you some anti anxiety drugs too. Keep talking to us! :hug: And no-of course, it is never stupid to talk about how you are feeling.
  6. Ume94

    Ume94 Member

    Thanks so much for the encouragement:) i'm not getting them from a professional, mostly from drug-stores whenever i can find them. Sometimes i take travel sickness medicine which contains dimenhydrinate, which causes me to feel sleepy too. Just curious, does dimenhydrinate which is called gravol in canda and the US i think cause any side effects? I'm not too sure and i've been taking it for a couple of months now mostly as sleeping pill substitutes and am wondering if it affects my anxiety level or depressed feelings..
  7. Ume94

    Ume94 Member

    how old are you? I'm sure you won't be alone till you die if you are still young. :( was it very difficult for you to leave your ex-girlfriend? I feel like i am stuck in the middle because i am unable to leave the relationship due to my anxiety. there are many things i have to sacrifice because of the relationship too, because he is a muslim and i am not. No discrimination at all, but not being able to be myself makes me rather miserable sometimes..
  8. Ume94

    Ume94 Member

    Thank you :) my therapist knows about my anxiety, but i never feel comfortable opening up to her entirely face to face by telling her the whole problem. I find it quite difficult, somehow..and nope, i am not on any medication for anxiety or depression currently..
  9. justme1957

    justme1957 New Member

    Please remember just how happy and active and confident you used to feel?? Now compare those feelings with how you feel now, and what you have become.

    You are so young, and have so much life ahead of you. For the sake of all the adventures you could miss out on - all of the people whose lives you will touch - for all of things you can become - I wish you would walk away!

    Take a deep breath, take a big step outwards and onwards, and choose life with every fibre of your soul. Your future isn't written yet, and it can be whatever you want it to be. Embrace yourself and be confident when you take those first baby steps towards a whole new world and the new adventures waiting for you.

    Be happy and dream, dream of everything you want for yourself, every place you want to visit, everything you want to achieve, and most of all believe in you. I am sure you are stonger and more wonderful than you know!

    Good luck!
  10. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Hello. While I cannot contribute any suggestions or helpful strategies in your situation, I can say that you are doing the right thing by reaching out and by talking about things. Too many times people bottle up their concerns inside and never share them. Reaching out like this is a good step toward resolutions. No, it's not a magical solution, but surely pro-activity is a sign of seeing hope. I hope you can conquer those things which bring you down and move forward.
  11. Ume94

    Ume94 Member

    Thank you for the encouragement. I hope I will be that person again one day even if It may take months or years. Good luck too. :)
  12. Ume94

    Ume94 Member

    I hope i will too.. Thank you for the support :)
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