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Is it Time?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 41021, Mar 24, 2011.

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  1. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    In a while, i will be able to stand again. I'll be able to walk. Weak and unsteady from lack of food and water. BUT I will be able to walk. I'll be able to keep my eyes open too. Been here at the site all day but opening my eyes the light kills my focus and concentration, my shallow breaths trying to beat this shit.

    I can walk downstairs, I take my own advice keeping methods in inconvenient places, but, I will be able to walk and climb to get to them.

    I don't have the bloody strength to keep doing this. I just do not have it within me. Can i carve, THanks Asshole on my tummy for the A-hole who fucked me over so badly...send a picture via internet to him? Let him be the one who is now haunted by his fuck ups?

    Sorry i suspect a lot of anger is hitting at the moment.

    Anger **tears** Anger **tears**
    frigging roller coaster ride
  2. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    please dont reach for the methods kali
    even though i know your wishes to be free of pain
    i understand your wishes
    but stick with us honey
    take the anger out on me
  3. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    You, Do Not Deserve This Anger!! Nor any anger! You've not hurt anyone.
  4. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    What is causing you so much pain that you want to kill yourself right now?
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I agree with hollowvoice. Instead of reaching for the methods, keep reaching out here. Keep posting. I know the pain might be overwhelming, but post hun. Dont let the darkness win.
  6. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Physical pain
    which then messes with my head and my heart
    leads me to thinking of those i've lost to suicide
    feels like destiny, in a way, universe beckoning me to take the big plunge

    frankly, i'm fed up with it...
    I care for the horses better than i do for me or i would have blown my brains out a year ago...i don't allow them to suffer, i know when to call it quits

    i am trying to reach out but...ugh it is so difficult to type or even carry on a convo i am so weak **tears**
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Are they your horses or someone elses that you care for. I had a horse and we had a real chemistry. We completely understood one another. Is it like that for you? See you have the horses that need you. You have friends here that need you and want to help keep you safe. The pain is huge but with help hun you can fight this. I know how tired you feel. There myself right now. But please try with some help to pull thorugh it.
  8. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    horses are primarily special needs, physical or behavioral issues

    have horse like that...read each other, most of them but one pal in particular

    but i cannot even get outside
    i cannot do anything
    i've had to burden others with their care

    i just do not wish to go through this any more...i would not do it to one of them. Just go to the back pond and end it.
  9. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Suicide is always an option for you, and it may be what you ultimately choose to do. But you should understand what you're getting into when you make a serious attempt.

    If the attempt fails, you'll be in hot water. Depending on which method you use, your brain or organs could be permanently damaged. It's not uncommon.

    If you succeed, you'll be leaving behind everyone who cares for you. That includes me. There are people who want to help you through this.

    It's always your choice, but keep in mind the very serious consequences of attempting suicide.
  10. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    rest up honey please dont feel you have to type we can see your pain wait for the meds to kick in then get some food and drink into you

    and someday we will live like horses xx
  11. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    i realize seriousness of not messing up. Done serious research and have far too many mentors who went before me...they didn't fail. I am NOT a failure.

    I have everything i need. no prob there. Also have distance in my favor as i am fairly isolated.

    IF not now, when? wait until i cannot function again? Wont' be long...then i do not have the capacity to even walk let alone follow through.

    It's been a great life, honest.

    as soon as i can stand will get water...feel like i have been for days, in the desert.
  12. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    My heart goes out to you, Kali. It really does.
  13. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    for days, i've been reflecting on those who made contact just seconds before dying.

    is it because they truly wanted to get whatever message it was to me, "bye", "I love you", "thank you", etc?
    or is it they did not wish to be alone?
    or, perhaps it gave them finality, courage, no turning back once the bye was said?
  14. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we love you!!
  15. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    who are you referring to?
  16. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    I love you John **hugs**

    The idiot who fucked up my life

    My heart is being ripped to shreds
    have to keep my focus...one plus for pain, one learns to grit teeth through anything and and keep focused.

    I'm still curious if anyone has thoughts on people making contact prior to dying; to not be alone, to make sure they follow through, a courtesy call?
    Keep pouring through my head, the last moments of friends and loved ones, kind of trying to get an idea of the experience. I do this a lot. Fortunately/unfortunately two in particular articulated their last months, weeks, moments quite well.
  17. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    If I understand you correctly, the most common reason someone says their goodbyes to people they care about is because they still have a deep ambivalence over whether or not they really want to kill themselves. They want someone to say, for instance, "Chris, why are you talking like we'll never see each other again?" They want to be saved.
  18. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    for those i'm aware of or who contacted me;
    they wanted a message passed to someone
    one had made a promise to say goodbye
    another could not bear to be alone so did it while on the phone
    others i'm not certain why...as they had everything in place...they were at a point of no return
    Others, did not say a word to anyone.
    One actually had a countdown of thirty days, and completed moments before midnight on the 29th day.

    perhaps ambivalence, although none showed signs of wishing to be stopped...brief calls, no way to stop it, could not be traced, etc. They were over the edge already.

    perhaps they thought if they called someone, it would force them into the action, give them additional courage they perhaps were lacking? If I don't do it now, someone is going to turn me in? One took eight days to find, despite him texting everyone. He completed moments after his last text was sent (which he sent while driving/parked to complete).

    Guess it's kind of difficult to let go of people, or to go into the darkness alone? Boils down to what is the correct choice, the proper action for the situation? One must be resolute, focussed (narrowly), tune everything out, attend to task at hand. Not allow anything to pierce that resolve. Leave no room for error.
    just trying to figure things out a bit.

    apologies if my thought process is messed up. My body is finally freeing my head up a bit, so i am no longer stuck inside my body.
  19. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    sorry that i've been so trapped inside my own head lately

    i don't know why the others reached out the way they did - can only imagine that it was not intended to cause you additional pain even though it obviously has

    deep down it may have simply been a desire to not be alone, but we'll never know

    i know you have plans - so do i, so do many of us - and the desire to follow through can be so damned tempting, overwhelming at times

    it's so hard though - and i guess it should be - to go that extra step

    don't know how to lessen the power that those who have gone before seem to have over you

    god knows i'm not the strongest person the way i keep downing things

    wish i could be of some kind of help but all i can say is that i won't interfere in any choice you make - won't try to take that away because we all deserve choices

    i love you
  20. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    don't think they did it to cause pain. i want to be alone though...huh, then why am i sitting on the site? then again, all i am doing is sitting here, not interacting. stupid.

    not too hard when your dealing with peel and stick in massive quantities...a little peel, a little slit, stick, repeat process a few dozen times, out cold before you even finish so best to start while sitting in bed. looks better that way. ZZZ zzz ZZZZZ zzzz

    sick to my stomach

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