is it too early to give up?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Skyler97, Sep 21, 2012.

  1. Skyler97

    Skyler97 Member

    I'm 15, gonna be 16 in Jan.
    Rough life, I'm an only child, and my parents never really got along. I have abused OTC drugs for many years.

    I lost my mother in March, 2010... Suicide. I lived with my grandma since June of this year, now I live with my dad.
    I prefer living with my dad.

    I have attempted suicide, but survived. The first time was <edit methods; NyJmpMaster>, can't remember. I was living with my grandma then and she was gone for two days and I was alone, and I wanted to die. I didn't die, and I was operating by the time my grandma got back. I didn't say a word and I felt like utter shit.

    Last Saturday night/ Sunday morning I decided to try again, but with a higher dose of <method> My dad was at a friend's house for the night.
    I slept through all of Sunday and most of Monday, but didn't die. My dad has no clue I tried to die, I just played it off like I was ill.

    Oh.. and I haven't been going to school, I'm switching to homeschool.

    The reason I am posting this is because I am aware of a possible positive life in the future, but I'm stuck in a sort of state where I'm convinced this planet is dying and it isn't worth living in.
    For MANY reasons....

    I need something, but I don't know what.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 21, 2012
  2. Skyler97

    Skyler97 Member

    The night my mom committed suicide she asked me if I would sleep by her bed, I told her that I didn't want to.
    That is my biggest regret in life.
     
  3. amk666

    amk666 Active Member

    Hi Skylar

    Welcome.

    I'm very sorry to learn about your mother & your current straits. No doubt you're right about that night haunting you for the rest of your life. There's not much can be done about that. I don't know very much of the story or circumstances of your mother's death; I can only imagine how much pain she was in to leave her child like that--perhaps she believed you'd be better off without her. But given that she had no business involving you in any way in her death. I don't know if she intended you to prevent her death, or simply be company for her as she died. Perhaps she didn't intend to take her life until after you'd gone to bed.

    In any case it's completely wrong & incorrect for you to bear any blame for what happened to her. It may not have been her fault or choice entirely--again, I don't know--but it most assuredly wasn't yours.

    That a teenager (you're a girl, yes?) doesn't want to spend a night in her mother's room is hardly shocking or surprising. In fact it's perfectly normal.

    I understand the regret well, however. There are so many things in my life I would have done differently if only I'd known, but therein lies the rub. We're trapped in the pace of our own lives--we can't be 25 years old when we're still just fifteen. I guess if anything maturity is the sum of things done right in our lives, but it comes at a high cost. Because as the fellow said, we learn way more from our mistakes than we do our successes.

    I do hope things improve.

    andy
     
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Hi Skyler,

    I lost my son to suicide when he was just 18, so I understand your loss with your mother. I'm very sorry. Nobody should have to lose anyone to suicide and nobody understands how the loved ones left behind feel except those who have unfortunately experienced this.

    You are 15 and have not even yet begun to see what life has to offer. You say that the planet is dying and as is true with all living things, you are correct. It is. Fortunately, the world is on a different clock than we are and it is many, many, many generations into the future that this will need to be a huge worry. Hopefully, however, we all keep working toward solutions to extend the Earth life through reduction of pollution and other detrimental issues.

    The abuse of OTC drugs will only result in potential liver issues in your future, so it's not wise. Keep in mind that life is never easy, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy to obtain. It requires perseverance, hard work, focus, and a desire to achieve. You can find those things within yourself - some of them may not even be present in you yet due to your age. I had three son's and my oldest has worked very hard and has achieved a lot, considering other things. My middle son has always been the one I worried over in that respect and he had some really rough times, but in the past year I have seen him start to really grow into his maturity (he is in his early 20's) and he is buckling down and I am seeing him achieve results.

    I see that you even live in beautiful California (where I was raised!). There is a lot of opportunity there, though it is a high cost of living state. Beautiful beaches, great weather, mountains, deserts... Do you have hobbies, interests, dreams, and goals? Do you have any pets? Brothers and sisters?

    What about your dad? You say you prefer living with him. Does he need you? Do you ever stop and think about the fact that perhaps you two support each other? Family is important and while there are many dysfunctional families on the planet, those that manage to function right often understand how deep the blood runs. Be there for each other. Maybe he too has days when he feels down. Be a source of comfort for him. Go out into the world and do well... make him proud. Honor the memory of your mother as I honor the memory of my son every moment of every day. Let your loved one(s) live on forever through those memories and by the way you honor them.

    I hope you find the path that leads to wellness.
     
  5. Skyler97

    Skyler97 Member

    Hi Andy and pickwithaustin.
    Thank you for your responses. I would like to clarify that I am a male, not a female though.
    I'm not offended, it's a common mistake.

    I'm currently suffering from insomnia and haven't slept for a long time, when I try to lay down and rest it just never happens.
     
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Sorry about the mistake, thanks for understanding. Have you seen a doctor (regular doctor, does not need to be someone in mental health) about your inability to sleep? Sometimes there are medical conditions that cause that. For that reason, it's not even embarrassing in any way, it is no different than going to the doctor for a pain or a dentist for a bad tooth. Your regular family doctor should be sufficient as a starting point.
     
  7. Skyler97

    Skyler97 Member

    I may consider looking for help if the insomnia continues.
    Last night was the first night the issue appeared.
    I have stayed up all night willingly in the past, but this was the first time I wasn't able to fall asleep at any time during the night.

    I really don't consider it a big issue yet, hopefully it doesn't become one.
     
  8. amk666

    amk666 Active Member

    Sorry dude. It really doesn't make much difference when all is said & done. You mention abusing otc drugs. Can you be more specific? Cause Pick's right. Some of those can cause catastrophic liver & kidney damage. Others, such a Benadryl, are not so bad. I really think you ought to focus on the sleeping issue first. Just that. Leave the other shit for another day. Visit for pcp perhaps & ask for a 'script of whatever folks are using now (most aren't that dangerous, unlike the barbituates of old). Being unable to sleep is usually first sign of impending depression for me, too. Once you've got that under control I think you'll be better able to address the other problems in your life.

    andy

    Ps: another Californian here, LA born & raised, now living in NYC;-)
     
  9. Skyler97

    Skyler97 Member

    Still haven't got any sleep.
    Whenever I lay down I get this anxiety that doesn't let me sleep.
    I'm gonna wait until it's late and I just can't stay awake.

    I'm so tired...
     
  10. Skyler97

    Skyler97 Member

    So yeah,
    I definitely have insomnia.
    I finally got some sleep but it still wasn't very good. I woke up a lot during it.
    Really tired today and I had some responsibilities to take care of.
     
  11. Skyler97

    Skyler97 Member

    Two failed suicide attempts this year.
    I think I'm just gonna say fuck it all, and just find a hobby or something.
    Who cares what society thinks.
     
  12. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Skyler - I am so sorry to hear about your mum's passing. I understand totally how bleak stuff can appear when you start looking for answers to deeper things and yet there don't appear to be any. I am an only child myself, the daughter of an only child - so I really have experienced the difference in outlook having siblings can make (by observation only, of course) - I had a breakdown at 15 because of parental stuff (one half of which I was prevented from knowing) - but I promise you hun, that, as bleak as it seems, there is hope, real hope.

    Please take no notice of the above post which is unhelpful to say the least. The opportunity you have now is to begin to understand that healing for your inside pain and anxiety is very possible, and it's great that you've found SF where there are caring souls on here to help and listen and provide support. BS doesn't need to happen to us all through life, if we understand we always play a major part in navigating our life towards happiness and fulfillment by learning how to make wise choices......... and I'm still learning, at 57 - but it's far easier now because from that time of dark at 15 began the journey into the light.

    God bless you, PM me anytime if you'd like :arms:
     
  13. <edit moderator deleted the quote that i deleted above>

    My first flirtations and attempt at suicide were when I was 15 too, and although that was 5 years ago the memories are still fresh in my mind so I have a real window into what you are going through. My first advice is tell your dad or grandmother, when I was your age I could never build the courage to tell someone. My parents were going through so much at the time and I felt it would be too much for them to handle, maybe you are holding off telling your dad because you are so worried it will bring him more pain, but trust me he will want to help. Grieving a loss, especially one as traumatic as yours is so essential for a family to do together. Im sure your dad will understand so much of what you are going through and that connection alone might be enough for the pair of you to make it through together. I know just how hard that first step is but if you are brave enough to take that leap of faith into the unknown of death then you are so incredibly capable of taking that leap of faith into the unknown of life. There is some fantastic help available out there, and its effects are not to be dismissed.

    As a man who has lived just 5 more years than you I can tell you these next few years are going to be a whirlwind of change for your mind, you will start to learn who you are, you will start to learn what it is you want in life! The dreams and aspirations that will fuel your life. And eventually, you may even find that "something" you talked of. There is a place for all of us in this world, thats why we are all in existance, its just that sometimes it takes a little while to find it. I grew out of that first encounter with suicide to be have the happiest time of my life a year ago, please dont deny yourself of that chance. Of course life is tough sometimes, and im not one to talk, theres reasons why im on a suicide forum too. We all get depressed sometimes, and some of us think about suicide... but those of us who make it through, get back on our feet and grow to become who we were meant to be. You can do it, you are on this forum because a part of you still knows that there might still be a reason to stay, even when times become unbearable.

    Your depression will give you an emotional depth that will provide you with the means to make some exceptional friends. You've proved just how much your mother meant to you in your reaction, it hit you so hard that you attempted suicide! A person like you must be so deeply caring and thoughtful that there is no way you should deny this world of your potential. It will take time, and i can promise it wont be easy but one day im sure you will be a great man for all youve been through. The nicest person ive ever met had his dad die when he was a similar age, now hes going into teaching and will help shape the minds of the children in the best of ways for years.

    Life has so much left to offer you, give it time and stay strong.
    Your comrade in crisis.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 4, 2012
  14. Skyler97

    Skyler97 Member

    Thank you for all of the support.
    I'm struggling every day to find my reason to keep on going.
    The last time I attempted to end my life everything felt very peaceful, and I was calm.
    I was laying in bed listening to Like A Stone by Audioslave, I had a smile of my face when I fell asleep.