Is it too late?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LookinForHope, Dec 21, 2012.

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  1. LookinForHope

    LookinForHope Member

    I am 37. I have had social anxiety all my life. I have dealt with depression since elementary school. The relationship I was in for over eight years is ending, so I will be on my own again. It was the first serious relationship I was in, and she approached me.

    I have had sputtering starts in my life where I thought I was going to turn things around, but then set backs occurred. For instance, I got laid off back in 2006. That lasted for over four years, due to a variety of circumstances. I can say the layoff itself was not due to incompetence. At my job now, I am making decisions for the company that will last for years. I do that well. However, the trauma from the episode makes me fearful that it could happen again. I could not survive a repeat at this point. The cut was particularly deep because work was always a place I could count on to go right.

    There was someone in my past, a long time ago now, that I messed up with. We were friends. But I could not pull the trigger on more, because I felt unworthy of her. In trying to do things to make me feel as though I deserved her, our friendship utterly disintegrated. She is such a sweet person. So that happening was particularly heartrending. At times I feel like I missed my one chance to be happy in life.

    At the root is my feeling of worthlessness. While people tell me that I am a great person and about the accomplishments they see, I tend to disregard them. I feel as though I have not done enough to balance the wrong I have done in life, so I discount the good side of the ledger.

    I was seeing a therapist recently, but we mutually agreed to end the relationship. It was too the point where I know I have to change, and there was no point in arguing if I could or could not. She did email me afterwards to tell me she had faith in me.

    I have great potential. I do not live up to it. I think it has to do with the social aspects of my life. What's the point of doing good without friends and someone you love to share it?

    I do not ask for help easily, and I have tried to do too much alone all this time. But I can no longer go on like that. I cannot live another 37 years like this. The slow death is too excruciating.

    I am coming to the point where I do not care if I am happy. I am coming to the point that I just do not want to feel pain anymore. Even if that meant not feeling anything at all. My ideation occurs frequently every day. It is one of the few things that distracts me from my general anxiety of all the stressors I am facing at one time. I am so tired.

    I want to feel good about myself. I want to expand my social circle. I want a better support system, so when I get in trouble I have resources. I want a significant other I can spend my life with. I want to heal.

    I am 37 with social anxiety and depression. Is it too late for me?

    Please help me.
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi LFH - welcome to SF :) It certainly is never too late to begin life again - as surreal as that sounds, and I agree that you have vast potential which is being syphoned off by your beliefs about yourself that are getting in the way. You do have self-awareness which is an incredibly good thing, and the main issue appears to be your feeling of worthlessness which acts as an umbrella stopping you from being showered by the compliments, and things positive.

    Probably, it is time to take yourself in hand and tell yourself, quite simply, and out loud, that you are a worthy person - and start to build your self-esteem from this place inside - rather than expecting life to endow you with it, because life tends not to do that for anyone. We all have stuff happen to us and make mistakes and get hit by consequences, but that can all be seen as grist for the mill and, with insight, turned around and used for good.

    If you've reached the point where you know you have to change, there's a good book by a psych - Dr. Henry Cloud called "Changes that Heal" - I recommend it, and wish you all the best. Hope you will stay and enjoy the site where we're all here trying to help each other with support and encouragement and things that have helped us :)
  3. VikKalmbach

    VikKalmbach Active Member

    One common thing among members of this site is an overwhelming understanding of your problems and issues. The way you are able to see the problem, determine how it makes you feel and act on it in all sorts of ways is what separates you. It doesn't move you in any direction from people it just makes you unique.

    The world does revolve around money and getting laid off is terrifying, I don't want you to feel negative about that experience and given what you've written its clear you are proud of the work you do and the quality of work you do. Look at you now, I want you to look at this sentence

    "That lasted for over four years, due to a variety of circumstances. I can say the layoff itself was not due to incompetence. At my job now, I am making decisions for the company that will last for years. I do that well. However, the trauma from the episode makes me fearful that it could happen again."

    you are looking back at the time reflecting which means that in some sense you accept it and on some level have defeated that feeling, that is definitely a massive win. The only problem with staring into the past is you tend to miss a bit of the future, so try and take all those feelings and focus on what makes you proud. I'm very proud of you for having the courage to share this with this community and you are a hero to me because of that.

    I don't want you to be ashamed to ask for help, if you are ready to make a step to make your life better for yourself, that is nothing but strength, courage, honesty, passion.. all these things are incredible traits in people and I feel like because of the way you look down on it you aren't able to really feel these incredible feelings, but I can tell you are very bright and compassionate and I love and respect you for it. You are a brother or sister to me and although I don't know you personally, I truly love you like one and truly respect what you've said.

    The point of doing good is to complete yourself, once you do this you will be astonished at how many people want to be around you and accept you for all your nuances and things that make you you. Not bad, or strange, or depressed. but you,

    If you ever wanna chat personally please let me know I'm always around, I type at a blistering pace and never shut up :)

    it is DEFINITELY NOT to late for you my friend, stay strong
  4. LookinForHope

    LookinForHope Member

    Thank you for the support urPrecious and VikKalmbach. That's what I need right now.

    For a long time in life, I thought I was weak. But then it occurred to me that I'm not. I am quite strong. I just tried to do everything the hard way - by myself.

    That has to end or it will end me.
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    It's tempting to think that we have to do everything ourselves, but it's actually impossible - especially when the realisation hits that more insight is needed. There are people trained in the right way to do this - (ok, they cost money - we are only amatures (peers) on here doing a "united we stand" thing) - but new perspectives in life are always available to those who reach for them, whereas thinking we have to do everything ourself and not knowing how tends not to be very successful. There is absolutely no shame in taking stock and starting over :)
  6. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    You're an intelligent person and you recognize the problem. I'm a little older but somewhat similar circumstances to a degree. You definitely have potential for great things to happen to you. I know things are tough but you need to hang in there and give yourself a chance. Feel free to vent, venting helps. It's definitely not too late for you. Remember there are lots of us like you here - you're talking to friends.
  7. VikKalmbach

    VikKalmbach Active Member

    Really well said everybody, LookinForHope how are you feeling today?
  8. LookinForHope

    LookinForHope Member

    It's like a roller coaster. I was fine last night, but after sleeping I'm a nervous wreck. I was supporting others here last night, now I need support.

    I feel so overwhelmed. I do not see how people make it in this world. Well, I guess I do. They have support systems. They have connections that can help them. That's my Achilles heel.

    I suppose the biggest thing is having to move. I need to vacate the premises, but my options are limited due to financial issues. I have feelers out, but it is torture just waiting for responses.

    I just feel like there is poison inside me. I feel like I poison those around me, if I stay around long enough. In my ideation, I bleed out. I can feel the blood on my hands, and I am relieved. I am relieved the poison is leaving my body. I have one last chance to say I am sorry for all the things I have done. It is so seductive.

    I used to have religious beliefs that stayed my hand. I thought I was going to a better place, if I could just stick it out. But I do not believe that anymore. Still I do have a lingering question of if there is anything beyond this world. This world is bad enough. I do not want to be punished in another one because of what I did here.

    That worry continually loses its power as things mount up. I need relief somehow. I have not peacefully rested in a long time.
  9. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    Very much like me. I stopped believing in God afte 9/11. Since then I've studied a lot more about religion and am 100% atheist now. That's what's scary about suicide, the unknown. You don't kjnow what's gonig to happen after you die. I believe you just cease to exist. I think what a lot of folks think is they will commit suicide, then be looking over their bodies with a sense of relief that they don't feel any pain anymore but I don't believe that at all. I believe you just don't exist anymore. It will be as it was before you were born. You won't know you're not in pain because you don't exist in any form. So believing that you don't exist, it this way out still an option? I don't know. Hang in there, keep venting. We're going through it all here. I've found coming in here and throwing support to folks is a very positive and helpful thing. And the fact that everyone here is so supportive is also positive.
  10. LookinForHope

    LookinForHope Member

    I'm leaning towards cessation of existence as well. I think of The Trial of Socrates, where he said if there was nothing beyond this world, why fear? Have you ever had a better night then when it passed in a deep dreamless sleep.

    That's often an argument some try to use against suicide. You won't get to enjoy it. That doesn't have much weight when what you want is just not to feel pain anymore. Even if that means feeling nothing at all.
  11. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi LFH and CF - I totally understand the desire to feel no more pain - ever - and the thought of the bliss of this, beyond death, and how attractive/seductive the thoughts are when we're feeling totally overwhelmed by the things that have happened to us and the impossibility of rising above them. I was in this exact same position 15 years ago and made an attempt - because the balance had become so skewed in the favour of "it's the only thing left to do".

    However, I want to gently say with every fibre of passion in my being, that there is positive hope still left in our "temporal" lives - even as hopeless as they seem to us with everything pressing us down - even our own minds.

    I totally understand also, about how the events of 9/11 have caused people to stop trusting in God. However, I also promise you that even this can find its 'solution' by coming to understand things about God at a deeper level - something I also understand and have empathy for that might not be high up on your list of priorities right now.

    On waking up this morning the thought occurred to me to start a new thread about how C.S. Lewis can help. I can see it all in my mind what I want to convey - although it's so difficult to reach out to you two lovely people to precisely meet your need where you're at right now - but bear with me, it might just shed the beginnings of a ray of hope to hang on to :)
  12. LookinForHope

    LookinForHope Member

    I appreciate the words urPrecious. I don't spurn the sentiment. There could be something beyond this world. I just wish I could get some comfort.
  13. VikKalmbach

    VikKalmbach Active Member

    I commend you for putting out the feelers and are sticking to that, thats a strong thing to do. You have a support system here, and we will build it from there. Everyone here loves and understands you, you are a brother or sister to us. Its amazing how still in a time of deep need you found the time to support another person in need. Thats such a special, amazing quality that many people here have but don't get the chance to see how incredible it really is. I want you to read this and feel really, really positive about that, and message me anytime you need to talk I promise I'll be around.
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