Is it worth going on?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Hangman, Mar 9, 2009.

  1. Hangman

    Hangman Well-Known Member

    I don't know how to go on anymore; it's all going straight to hell anyway. I don't know how to cope with it all; I don't know what to do. I want to quit and never return, I want to scream my lungs out, break stuff, hurt myself, or something. What should I do? What can I do? I thought I'd be able to withstand all this shit and go all the way, finish it like everyone wants me to. But no one knows what I'm going through, no one has even asked me what I'm going through, and no one would understand it either. I'm all alone in this world with this fucking shit weighing me down, everyday it goes on, every night.

    I'm sleepless a lot, my back is fucking killing me, my failures are mocking me all the time, and my ego is so damaged that I'm ashamed to be me. I'm failing school, I'm failing in my friendships, I'm failing in love, and in every other way. No wonder I just want to kill myself, what is there to live for anyway? I have nothing, I am nothing. I tried seeking help, I've tried fixing everything, but nothing is helping me. And if it's all just a great big test, then I know I'm failing dramatically, these tests and trials will kill me for sure.

    These last few months have been probably the worst in my entire life, I've been unable to sleep for many nights, I've been away from school a lot, and when I've been there is just failure, failing tests, assignments, just making a fool out of myself. I've tried to go to school some days when I've had no sleep at all, and that hasn't been very productive days, I tell you. I walk around like a zombie, talking to no one, making no eye contact, just staying away from everyone. I hate my life so badly that I just wish it could be over, am I just weak or am I lazy for not fighting it through? At least that's what other people say, like my parents. They think they know so much better than me, everyone thinks they know better than me. But I know myself, I know my problems, I know the way of things that concern me. It just ticks me off when I'm told that I'm wrong, when I'm told to keep fighting for a lost cause, it makes it so much more frustrating to know that everyone thinks it's easy.

    I wonder if anyone knows me at all, or if they know how much this hurts. If they do, they are just a bunch of fucking idiots, morons and fools who doesn't care about others than them self. I hate it, I hate it all, all the shit that always happen to me. It’s so typically me to get this, shit everywhere, shit from everyone, shit that kills my ego and lowers my confidence in myself, and in this world. If I could erase my life from the very start, go back to the time of my birth and kill myself in the womb, become a stillborn, then I would. Then no one would have known of Simon, the failure, the screw up, the idiot with no self-confidence at all, the liar with his big fat mouth that spews out lies and foolishness. I don't need this world, and it certainly doesn't need me.

    Deep inside I want it all to work, I want to be happy, I want to be loved, I want to love. But nothing works out for me, and nothing will, it's just a waste of the time I could spend being dead.

    Well, if I get drunk and smoke loads of cigarettes, why wouldn't you blame me, but I don't know how to cope with all this anymore, I'm all alone and sad. So fuck it all, nothing good will ever come my way anyway, can't even talk to the person I love the most. I've tried to gain her trust, I've tried to get to meet her plenty of times, but every time something goes wrong. I don't blame her; I just hate what she is doing to my ego and my self-confidence. I just wish I could tell her how I feel about her, and that she'd say she feels the same, but I fear that she would tell me all that I don't want to hear, all that I fear, rejection.

    The alcohol is running through my blood now and making me all dizzy, somehow I feel much better but still so much worse. I hope it'll turn out ok in the end.
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    im sorry u have been dealing with all those people´s pressure. i know what it feels when other people believes they know you better than yourself. Seems that u are angry to yourself for being a liar and for failing at whatever u are up to. BUT, everything can change if u really want it. You can stop lieying, you can stop feeling such crap, you can be loved and be happy as u desesperatly feel u need it. Sometimes u just need somebody to point you in the right direction, some other times, there is no right direction till u dont take it. Sometimes u allready are in the right direction but the "happy " point of the road is still far, so u dont see it. there are soo many good things on this earth, so many things to be glad for. Love its overrated, a dog can love u unconditionaly also. Im not saying that having someone to love isnt great though, but if it hasnt happened to you yet, then is not meant to for now. Give yourself some time, get healthier, get stronger, become a better man. Im sure deep inside there are so many good things in you, you are depressed and thats blinding you. like alcohol, u u wont see the chair its gonna make u fall because u are too dizzy to see it. Depression works exacly the same.
    Plus theres nothing u can lose by waiting, by trying, by taking the chance over and over again of becoming who u want to be, of making your dreams come true.
    Untill you arent ok with yourself u wont be be ok with anybody " be yourself.. its all that you can do"
  3. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    i just hope u are ok :)
  4. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ...hi , i am sorry for your loneliness and pain. i think it is very positive, that you reached out here

    please lean on us here - and know we are here for you. many or most of us understand what you are experiencing and feeling..... :console:
  5. Hangman

    Hangman Well-Known Member

    thank you for your support, reading your replies has really opened my eyes, and I will try my best to keep on fighting.