I'm starting to wonder these days...if it's worth it to try. I tried to get better and I only got worse. It started with my nightmares. They became longer... I feel like instead of dreaming 20 minutes or so of memories, I'm remember hours...days sometimes. Sometimes I wake up and I feel like I haven't slept at all... I just remember days of being stuck back with him. Feel like i've relived it all over again. And then there's my son...i dream about him too, but not nearly as often. Never anything real. Usually he's a background to other nightmares. I hear him screaming for me, which is impossible, he was never able to scream. But I know it's him. I feel like I hurt all the time...I'm constantly wondering why I'm on this earth, even though I don't want to leave it. Still for him, always for him. But I also don't want to try anymore. I don't want to keep fighting this...is it time for me to just accept that i'll always be sad, i'll always have flashbacks and nightmares, always be paranoid, never trust anyone, always hate myself... I wonder what I should do...if I should just go home, back to my family and just live. live because I can't kill myself. Not a lack of courage, i just can't. I have to live for him...but does that mean I have to do any more than exist? I think I should go home...they'll take care of me until I can just fade away...maybe put me in a clinic or something once I'm far enough gone... I'd very much like to just check out again...I've done it before, and I want to again...to just not think, not feel, just shut everything down..is it worth it for me to try to get better anymore? Or should I just go home and be alone...Like I'm so terrified of...but I just think it's best. I don't think I can be fixed, I'm too broken.