Is It Worth It?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mpang123, Jun 13, 2013.

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  1. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I've been struggling getting over a friendship that resulted in a sexual relationship where I was badly hurt because I fell in love with him, but he didn't feel the same way. It's been a year now and I still can't forgive myself for ever starting anything with him in the first place and I despise him for taking advantage of me and leading me on. Now he doesn't have any contact with me anymore and has moved on but I have stayed stuck with resentment. I had to write 2 pages of why I don't like him anyway, but I still can't get him off my mind without feeling great remorse and sorrow. Now my neighbor is a good friend of his and everytime his name was mentioned I cringe inside and I'm jealous of her even though she says she doesn't have a sexual relationship with him like what I had. I have tried to kill myself many times over many reasons, but now I'm entertaining my mind to make another and maybe final attempt to end my life successfully so I don't have to put up with this pain anymore. I don't have a plan yet, but if I don't do anything, I can't bear the pain I'm suffering from not being able to let go of a relationship that was never meant to be. Something must be wrong with me to hold such resentment in my heart that I want to take drastic measures to kill myself over him because even seeing him at a distance or hearing about him bothers me so bad. I just don't want to be reminded anymore and I think if I killed myself I wouldn't have to deal with him and my feelings anymore. I wish I had a definite plan but I just don't and it's weighing me down and I am feeling so alone.
  2. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I feel so stupid. I called the crisis line like I do often and they just brush me off everytime I tell them my issues but because I'm not in immediate danger to myself, they cut me short and leave me hanging and not really feeling any better. I am going to play some piano now to distract myself and hopefully I will recover from my thoughts. Please don't freak out on me because I'm trying to apply my coping skills which I'm doing. Good day.
  3. Ocarina of Time

    Ocarina of Time Active Member

    Trust me you're not alone on that feeling. I was in a relationship with a girl for 3 years, she cheated on me twice and now she's moving in with this other guy just because she's an ”adult” now. This is all completely devastating to me, but I've been talking to a few of my friends about the subject and it's been really helpful. I advise you to the same :) But another thing that always can help is distracting yourself, time always heals.

    This is what one of my best friends said to me that kinda cheered me up, she said ”You should hate her, she's not worth any positive emotions. And she'll come back one day, just so you can say no and move on.” I don't know why this meant anything to me but it did. That guy is not worth any of your positives.

    Buy yourself things, make new friends, go places, have fun and simply exist. :)

    I'd introduce you to my so called ”philosophy” but most don't agree with it. It helps just as so many other things. Just don't give up on yourself.
  4. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your feedback. I know i have to move on but it will take time.
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    unrequited love is very painful. I used to expereince it. It was horrible. for me there was always a point where the, for lack of a better metaphore, fever broke. The charge just left. I imagine that does happen for other people eventually. So hang in there please. Sorry you are treated like that by the crisis line. I guess they only help people who are very suicidal. Too bad there is not a line you can call to just talk about the horrendous pain. Do you have a therapist you work with?
  6. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    I know that man cheated you. Best thing is to try to forget him. Do not go where you might see him. Do not talk to your neighbor if he/she bribgs up his name. Out of sight out of mind. Try to expel him, drive him out of your mind. Another thing is that he is the one who is bad for cheating you. You trusted him and trusting is sign of good, honest people. SO why hate yourself so much that you want to kill yourself. Next time be careful so men do not take advantage of you. But why try to kill yourself???
    Sex is not the same way everywhere. In some cultures, a woamn would kill herslef if she had sex with a man who left her. But in the West sex is not that big of a deal. Whatever the reason, you must not blame yourself. You must not try to hurt yourself. Best thing is to firgive him and then forget him. Forgive him and you will see strength within you. Trying to hurt someone who cheated us is not good. Let us forgive others.
  7. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    Once I fell in love with a woman who was much younger than me. I loved her but she did not love me. (I was obsessed with her for nine months.) She finally told me that she did not love me. It took me four years to get her out of my mind. I did not have sex with her. If I had had sex with her, it would have probably taken me longer to forget her. Forgetting someone whom you once loved with all your heart is not easy. I know it from experience. But now I am cured. I do not think of her much. I am not obsessed with her as I used to be. I feel much better now. Hope this will help you.

    I did this by not visiting places where I could see her. I blocked her on Facebook so I would not visit her page.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    To answer your question, NO, I do not believe suicide is worth it. You have been hurt and he has moved on, now you have to find a way for your to cope and move on however hard it is. It will get easier.
  9. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Prakash. I guess my obsession with this man will eventually go away in due time. I need to forgive him and myself for ever starting a relationship and a sexual one for that matter. It's hard to avoid him since he lives in my apartment complex with only 14 people living here. I guess I have to accept his presence that will remind me of him daily, but to completely avoiding him would only work if he moves out or I move out. Out of sight, out of mind. Therefore, I just have to cope with it for now. I think if I really fall in love with someone, it won't be that bad. Oh well, time will tell. Let go, let God.
  10. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    Hi, mpang123. Yes. the fact that he lives in the same apartment complex makes it hard for you to forget him. But you have to try. In my case, I have not seen that woman for years; this made it easy for me to forgive her. I think the problem is that you were serious and he was not. In my case I was serious and she was not. But I am glad you have come to the right conclusion that you need to try to forget him and also forgive him and also yourself. By falling in love with him you did a natural thing. He did the base thing by using you. There are many men like that. They just use women for sex and play with their feelings. It happnes all the time. But this does not mean that all men are like that. Some women also use men. A man gets serious but the woman may only be playing and using the man to have free drinks and free dinners, etc.

    In my case I realized that I was suffering from OCD (Obsessive Complsive Disorder). I realized that it was mental illnes to get obsessed with her. But I never thought of self-harm. I did not even think low of myself because I never cheated or deceived her. I only knew that I had weakness which I must overcome.
  11. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I really believe the only way to be over this is "out of sight, out of mind". In the meantime, I just have to suffer my guilt but learn to cope with it everyday as I'm reminded of him. What an unfortunate way to live.
  12. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    I realized that you attempted many times. This cannot be only because you were used by that man for sex and who left you. You need to solve the issues that are afflicting you and that drive you to attempt. Please see a therapist or a relative or a friend whom you trust. Try to get help so you do not attempt any more. I am concerned about you.
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