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Is it worth it?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Deanna_Marie, Aug 3, 2007.

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  1. Deanna_Marie

    Deanna_Marie Member

    Is it worth it? Is it really worth it? I'm a college student, and trying hard to do well in school. I've been getting really good grades, which suprised me with all the trouble i had from Elementary thru High school. I've done all I can to over come my learning disabilities or in my opinion, my learning differences... and then in the matter of just a few months it all falls apart. I make a move from one home to another, from one boyfriend to another, and I find myself in a situation I never expected nor wanted to be in, even though I love my new boyfriend. His 23 yr old and 20 yr old daughters can't stand me, the ex wife is just plain trouble, and on top of it all the younger of the two daughters had to have major surgery... I feel horrible for him... that he's having to go through all this. Yet at the same time, due to a medication i was on i completely lost my hearing for nearly a month, with some perminate loss now that i'm off the med. I'm taking a speech class this summer which is condensed, and i'm struggling more than i ever thought possible. Each speech i give i get a worse grade, this last one i got an F on. I have one more to go and I keep wondering if I should even bother. The subjects that keep being brought up in the speeches being given keep causing me to have flashbacks to the physical, sexual and emotional abuse my family put me through, my father keeps showing up... my mother is always telling me what a mistake i am, and I can't distance myself more from her or my neices might be at risk to my father... and all I can think is... is it really worth it? Am I worth it. All I really want to do is throw myself on the train tracks when i head home tomorrow afternoon... or better yet, take all the medications i can find at once. I've been drawing knives and swords with blood dripping off them, and writting over and over that i'm worthless and deserve to die while listening to the speeches the other students are giving. I've been trying everything I can to keep from doing something to myself. The dr.s and therapists in this area don't seem to care, much less have any interest in helping. And I don't know where to turn. I just want to curl up and not wake up. I even dream of being decapitated. Why should I keep resisting? Why should I continue to allow myself to be my father's toy just so my nieces won't have to be, especially since their parents won't let him near... or so they say... what's the point? is it worth it?
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Do you still live with your parents?

    Deep down, you value life thats why you have taken it away. Abd yes you are worth it. Believe in yourself and keep fighting. You can overcome this.
  3. Deanna_Marie

    Deanna_Marie Member

    No, luckily i moved out of my mother's home in 2000, however, that didn't stop my father from following me down to where i moved and raping me numerous times between then and last Feb/March... I know I can overcome this, because of people like you, my boyfriend, and my ex roommate, but there are times when it feels like i should just give up. Right this moment I'm doing ok... but it feels like as the days and weeks go by, that i'm getting more and more depressed, more and more suicidal... It concerns me, but I don't want to admit it to anyone who could personally do anything about it, because I know they'll want to commit me, and right now, i really don't think being locked away from those i dearly care about is really the best thing for me... but then, perhaps i'm misguided in this?
  4. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    Do the authorities know about the sexual abuse that went on? People like that shouldn't be out on the streets.
  5. Deanna_Marie

    Deanna_Marie Member

    Unfortunately, though I go to the police everytime something happens, it never seems to do any good. I've been fighting the whole issue involving my dad since I was 7, about 21 years ago. I'm working on keeping my neices safe, and struggling hard to keep myself sane, at the same time I am trying to find any way I can to finally get charges put against him.
  6. Twisted Sweet Lies

    Twisted Sweet Lies Well-Known Member

    You said you have a learning disability are you registered with the schools disablity office? If not there's a lot they can do to help you. I also have a learning disablity and I had to register and get help from them. Have you tried talking to your teacher? I found teachers at the college I go to are pretty understanding and will try to help people out. Maybe there's some extra credit you can do? I wouldn't worry about your bf's daughters not likeing you. It might be hard for them to accept that their dad is dateing. Have you tried to get a restraining order agunist your dad? I would suggest going to one of those women shalters for those who are abused. They could help you with legal stuff and counseling if you wanted it.
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