is it worth living anymore?...

Very recently since college ended, I have been thinking to my self...is it worth living anymore? Now before I go any further, I want to say that I'm a boy and 17 years of age.

Rewind back to December 2009, my life was I would say very decent. I was very popular amongst my fellow classmates, and everyone seemed to be treating me nicely. On Christmas eve however, it all changed. My 2 bestfriends turned against me, and along with them my other freinds turned against me aswell. And suddenly I became a 'loner' by the end of 2009. As it was my final academic year at school, with sixth form starting in September 2010, I spent all my free time in the schoo library and public library as I had no people to socialize with, not even on the internet. I did very nicely in my exams as a result, and was looking forward to college, where I would be having a fresh start, no one from my school was going to that sixth form college. The thought of making more friends, and going to loads of parties excited me. In reality when college did start, the situation was worse than it was when I was at school. I spent my days in the college library just reading anything and everything in my free time, just looking forward till the college day ended. Till about Christmas of 2010, it was the same, I didn't make any freinds, and I only knew a few people around the college most of whom were in my classes and never talked to me often. But by the time our winter break was over, and we were back at college, someone on my college bus came and sat down next to me, which was kinda weird as no one ever sat next to me on the college bus. Let's call her 'K'. We got to know each other and she invited me to sit with her freinds instead of sitting on my own. I accepted her invitation and as I was beginning to sit down I saw her friend, let's call her 'A'. And ever since January 2011, I got to hang about with 'K' and 'A' and they are the only two friends I have at the moment.

Now you might be thinking, your life is great why end it? I want to end it because when I get home my parents are always fighting, and partly because of me. Till I was about 14, my mum used to abuse me both verbally and physically. I'm 17 now, she doesn't abuse me physically anymore, but verbally. Everyday she would say that she wishes I was never born, that I should go kill myself, and curses me repeatedly. My dad on the other hand doesn't abuse me, but dictates my life with his 'opinions'. He only wants me to become a doctor or an accountant, and if I don't listen to him for whatever he takes my phone and grounds me so I can't go out. Grounding me doesn't affect me cos for the last year and a half, when I'm not at college, I stay inside my room, and I only get out to go to the kitchen when I get hungry. But when he takes my phone away, I have nothing else to do, so I always listen to what my dad says.

In may I had my exams, and although I prepared well for them, I messed up real bad in the exams. I'm sure I have got a pass, but that won't get me into medicine, and my dad won't be too pleased.

Apart from my two friends I have no one, I can never talk to my parents, and since its summer holidays, everyone is abroad, I'm spending every day and night on my own, with no one to talk to. Even if I do well in my exams my life would be dictated by my dad, which hardly makes it my life, and me making decisions for myself. So my life is pretty crap tbh in my opinion.

So again I ask myself, is it worth living anymore? And in my head I think no.

I posted here so I could get peoples views on what I could do to improve my situation, and I would really like to talk to someone. I have spent the last couple of days just crying in my room, cos at the moment I can't talk to anyone, I just sit in my room for hours just thinking to myself, with no one to talk to.

The reason I feel sucidal is that I'm always going to be controlled by someone, its always been the case, plus there seems to be no purpose in me living anymore.

 

dude, you got to stick with your friends, they really care for you, open yourself to then, ask help, they'll help you, just hold on for a little more

don't let others control your life, is yours and yours only, ignore your dad and just do what you want do, it doesn't matter what he wants for you, it matters what you wanna do.

about your mom when she says to you kill yourself, laugh at it, you are not a lil' children anymore, don't let this take your life outta you

whenever you feel alone you can always come here, ppl will hear you, and will undestand since a lot of then are in situations kinda like yours (me for example) just hold on to whatever you can and live day by day, week by week, second by second if you need to, but hang on

 

I agree with lkt about how SF can keep you company at times if you're interested in hanging out here every once in a while.

Also, have you started living on your own? Maybe you'll see less of your parents if you haven't moved out already since your mom sounds like a terrible human being.

 

A few thoughts...

Have you ever said that you feel your life is dictated by your family? I felt the same way in terms of education for a long time that there was a path I was 'supposed' to go down. I have since learned that this was not my parents' intent - and a lot of it came from my perceptions of our relationship.

Saying what's on your mind can break a lot of tension - and if you're suicidal - then in a sense, what have you to loose by saying so.

Keep in contact with K and A. Open up to them if you can. I think from your language that you're in the UK - have you tried ringing the Samaritans? They can be very helpful.

On career....it's too early to know what's gonna happen. I currently work with young children for a charity on an ad hoc basis - and I love every minute of it. If you'd have told me that's what I'd be doing now, back in 2006 when I started uni? I'd have thought the end was nigh!

Have some ideas of what YOU want to do - and be aware that paths can and do change constantly. Maybe look at going to Connexions who can be very helpful in terms of getting on the right track.

If you're feeling suicidal - then go to your GP - if you are suicidal then you are mentally unwell - I understand that this may be frightening and something you don't want to hear - but it's what I believe is true having been there myself.

In answer to your final question. Yes your life is worth living. You have an idea of where you think things will go. But take it from me - those perceptions can, and often are, absolutely wrong.

My PM box is always open - from there my MSN is only a request away should you wanna talk further.

Hope that helps, if not - wrong number!

Chris

 

It sounds to me as if you need to get rid of your parents negative hold over you. Is it possible for you to move out and start fresh? If you're feeling this hopeless, it might be worth considering.