Is it worth the pain to live with chronic physical illness?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Arnold Lee, Jun 7, 2016.

  1. Arnold Lee

    Arnold Lee New Member

    Hello, I just joined this forum and want to hear your honest opinions.

    I am 28 years old. A little less than a year ago, I contacted an eye condition called blepharitis. It is watery, red, irritating eye condition which can make your life really miserable. My eyes have all these symptoms, and it's so difficult concentrating on reading and working anymore due to my poor eyes.
    And it doesn't just end there. My eye sights have been progressively declining ever since I contacted blepharitis
    and I am having vision loss literally every month. My eye doctor said when I can manage blepharitis symptoms, lost visions will come back. But there's no sign whatsoever that's gonna happen and vision keeps getting worse. My glasses are terribly out of shape but don't have money to afford new one. I have no idea how I'm going to work properly outside in society due to my poor eyes.

    I also have tinnitus, which is ringing in my ears. I obtained it when I was in military, I once forgot to use ear protection while taking the rifle test and ended up damaging my ears. For this, I can never rest comfortably. There's always buzzing and ringing noise that sometimes I just want to cut my ears off. The sound is so bad while I'm sleeping as it is so loud and it also ruins me mentally.

    And I have really horrible social phobia and anxiety. I have never seen anyone who has social anxiety like I do, and my level is actually close to autism. I have hard time being around with other people in groups, and it makes me feel afraid to go outside and get jobs.

    Now having social anxiety and tinnitus, I was hoping to still function well in society. But blepharitis has been like a death sentence for me. I am losing vision at such fast pace and have hard time reading and focusing things. I feel like I will eventually go blind. Or maybe I actually will.

    My mom also has some health issues and she needs to rest, but she can't due to our financial issues. The worst part is that I don't want to be a burden to her or to my family. I tried to have positive thoughts but the reality is the other way around. There is really no way out. No matter how many different ways I think of it, there is no alternative. I'm stuck like forever and my health will even get worse in the future as I age. Many times I just wish I was never born to begin with. Sometimes I wish that after I die, I can be reborn as a healthy person.

    There are 2 things that's stopping me from killing myself. One is the pain I would get. I'm afraid of it. The other one is the courage. I don't have the courage to do it. I actually don't care about consequences after I'm gone because I think my family will eventually go ahead without me. None of them are as physically or mentally weak as I am. I read about suicide everyday. Everyday, I try to accept more and more that life will still go on without me just fine. I don't think 28 years is terribly short time either.

    Just want to hear about what you think about this. Do you think it's worth living with such physical illness?
     
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hello Arnold, welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear about the problems you're suffering, tinnitus is awful, I have a slight case but not as bad as yours( there is another member here who suffers severe tinnitus) I'm sure. Also the vision problems must be very concerning especially with your job.
    In answer to your question, I have to say yes it is worth living. I believe that there can be cures found medically, or we can learn to live with the problem, I know it's not easy, but there's always hope. That's what we try and do here, support and encourage one another. I hope you'll decide to stay around and get to know the people here. I wish you well
    Brian
     
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    You were born as a healthy person or you wouldn't have been in the armed forces to start with? You already got further than disabled ones that were born with some condition that barred them from ever being considered serving ones country that way. However learning to deal with a disability later in life is just a scary and painful process. Sorry it sucks that you got hit with the ear/eye issues. Hope it is resolved soon as I am still dealing with health issues ever since being in a MVA no thanks to a drunk driver. 6 months of pure hellish headaches and knee pains....wanted to just die already on top of already being diasabled before the accident. Pain can drive one nuts. Totally understand that feeling. Just hang in there and don't give up it got its bad days and ok days. The ok days made the shitty days more bearable for me. I am looking foward to a day without any pain pre-accident condition
     
    Brian777 likes this.