Hello I am new to these forums, and I just want to get a new perspective on my life.
Since childhood I have always hated my father, to the point where I wanted him dead. When I was very young (like 6 years old), my parents would always fight. When my dad lost the argument with my mom, he would take it out on me verbally. My father would take every opportunity to get me involved with their argument, hoping to validate his position. My father would tell me in my face: what a failure I am, what a retard I am, why am I such a fuck up, and etc....
This continued all my life, and when it was time for my father to give fatherly advice about friends, relationships and school, he gave the worse advices that that turn me into a social outcast all through my elementary and high school years. He would say stuff like, " Friends? Who need friends? Most people are weaklings who needs attention. Your not one of them are you?" "Girls are crazy; they will mess you up the first chance they get." "Most of the stuff they teach you in school are baloney. What the hell does art class have to do with helping you getting a job?"
Because of his advice, I got pulled into the principle office in elementary for anti-social behavior. I had to tell the principle where I learned it from and I had to receive a long talk with my parents and my principle. At the end my father blame me for the meeting with the principle; saying I am an idiot and a loser.
My father was a cheap-sake all his life. He never funded my schooling at all. Even for textbooks and school supplies in elementary, I had to ask for money from mom, or get a job. Yes, at 9 years old I had a job. I personally funded my after-school activities and special events. My parents bought me no toys for me in my lifetime. Also my parents had no college fund in place for me, but still expected me to finish college.
My parents are Asian and expect me to get all As in class. They never ever helped me with schoolwork and always watched TV. Their constant fighting made sure my grades suffered. It got to the point at high school, my only release was drugs and alcohol.
My father was never a good role-model. He would always make crack comments about other people in honorable professions like police and firefighters being stupid to work for so little pay to catch criminals and run into fires.
My father stole money from me (tuition money) and demanded I get into an arranged marriage when I was 18 years old. His reason was that he was the eldest in the family and that means all money I earned was his and he said I had to respect his order for marriage.
I ran away from home at 19. Started working full-time and now I am 28 years old. It took me a long time to learn my social skills and not have any of his emotional attributes like anger, lack of empathy. Now I am suffering from depression, insomnia, and I have a very high Machiavellianism with a high-risking Type A personality. Everything I done in my life, I can fairly say I did by myself, with a little help from my mom.
I recently moved back to my parents home to take care of my mother (breast cancer). My father is still in my face about putting me down about how much I am a failure at life, even though I am financially secure but no college degree, yet.
I have been frequent images of killing my father. It got to the point where the consequences just don't matter to me now. I want to do right by my mother but honestly I can not stand my father.
Basically, I wanted to ask is it wrong that I hate him or am I really fucked up?
Since childhood I have always hated my father, to the point where I wanted him dead. When I was very young (like 6 years old), my parents would always fight. When my dad lost the argument with my mom, he would take it out on me verbally. My father would take every opportunity to get me involved with their argument, hoping to validate his position. My father would tell me in my face: what a failure I am, what a retard I am, why am I such a fuck up, and etc....
This continued all my life, and when it was time for my father to give fatherly advice about friends, relationships and school, he gave the worse advices that that turn me into a social outcast all through my elementary and high school years. He would say stuff like, " Friends? Who need friends? Most people are weaklings who needs attention. Your not one of them are you?" "Girls are crazy; they will mess you up the first chance they get." "Most of the stuff they teach you in school are baloney. What the hell does art class have to do with helping you getting a job?"
Because of his advice, I got pulled into the principle office in elementary for anti-social behavior. I had to tell the principle where I learned it from and I had to receive a long talk with my parents and my principle. At the end my father blame me for the meeting with the principle; saying I am an idiot and a loser.
My father was a cheap-sake all his life. He never funded my schooling at all. Even for textbooks and school supplies in elementary, I had to ask for money from mom, or get a job. Yes, at 9 years old I had a job. I personally funded my after-school activities and special events. My parents bought me no toys for me in my lifetime. Also my parents had no college fund in place for me, but still expected me to finish college.
My parents are Asian and expect me to get all As in class. They never ever helped me with schoolwork and always watched TV. Their constant fighting made sure my grades suffered. It got to the point at high school, my only release was drugs and alcohol.
My father was never a good role-model. He would always make crack comments about other people in honorable professions like police and firefighters being stupid to work for so little pay to catch criminals and run into fires.
My father stole money from me (tuition money) and demanded I get into an arranged marriage when I was 18 years old. His reason was that he was the eldest in the family and that means all money I earned was his and he said I had to respect his order for marriage.
I ran away from home at 19. Started working full-time and now I am 28 years old. It took me a long time to learn my social skills and not have any of his emotional attributes like anger, lack of empathy. Now I am suffering from depression, insomnia, and I have a very high Machiavellianism with a high-risking Type A personality. Everything I done in my life, I can fairly say I did by myself, with a little help from my mom.
I recently moved back to my parents home to take care of my mother (breast cancer). My father is still in my face about putting me down about how much I am a failure at life, even though I am financially secure but no college degree, yet.
I have been frequent images of killing my father. It got to the point where the consequences just don't matter to me now. I want to do right by my mother but honestly I can not stand my father.
Basically, I wanted to ask is it wrong that I hate him or am I really fucked up?
haven't seen him for over 20 years so he isn't in my mind too often. Easy to say but not do but try not to let your relationship with him keep dragging you down, now you're taking care of your mother and have to see him so it's not easy, plus those thoughts of wanting to see him dead(sometimes) are not a good thing, I've had them too but no longer. Think thoughts like that bring you and your mood that much lower plus it could affect the way you act around others.:unsure: Sorry no great solutions but we all know how difficult it can be, try a few things suggested from all of us and let us know if anything improves then, hopefully it won't get worse.
**." Just let it go out one in and out the other. it's hard to do when youre not sure of yourself either, but try surrounding yourself with good-natured people and le their positivity rub off on you. this way what your father says wont mean as much cos youll know the truth. you won't be angry anymore, you will be sympathetic because you'll know that negativity comes from being unhappy. good luck!