Is it wrong to hate your father?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by wOOt99, Feb 9, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. wOOt99

    wOOt99 Active Member

    Hello I am new to these forums, and I just want to get a new perspective on my life.
    Since childhood I have always hated my father, to the point where I wanted him dead. When I was very young (like 6 years old), my parents would always fight. When my dad lost the argument with my mom, he would take it out on me verbally. My father would take every opportunity to get me involved with their argument, hoping to validate his position. My father would tell me in my face: what a failure I am, what a retard I am, why am I such a fuck up, and etc....
    This continued all my life, and when it was time for my father to give fatherly advice about friends, relationships and school, he gave the worse advices that that turn me into a social outcast all through my elementary and high school years. He would say stuff like, " Friends? Who need friends? Most people are weaklings who needs attention. Your not one of them are you?" "Girls are crazy; they will mess you up the first chance they get." "Most of the stuff they teach you in school are baloney. What the hell does art class have to do with helping you getting a job?"
    Because of his advice, I got pulled into the principle office in elementary for anti-social behavior. I had to tell the principle where I learned it from and I had to receive a long talk with my parents and my principle. At the end my father blame me for the meeting with the principle; saying I am an idiot and a loser.
    My father was a cheap-sake all his life. He never funded my schooling at all. Even for textbooks and school supplies in elementary, I had to ask for money from mom, or get a job. Yes, at 9 years old I had a job. I personally funded my after-school activities and special events. My parents bought me no toys for me in my lifetime. Also my parents had no college fund in place for me, but still expected me to finish college.
    My parents are Asian and expect me to get all As in class. They never ever helped me with schoolwork and always watched TV. Their constant fighting made sure my grades suffered. It got to the point at high school, my only release was drugs and alcohol.
    My father was never a good role-model. He would always make crack comments about other people in honorable professions like police and firefighters being stupid to work for so little pay to catch criminals and run into fires.
    My father stole money from me (tuition money) and demanded I get into an arranged marriage when I was 18 years old. His reason was that he was the eldest in the family and that means all money I earned was his and he said I had to respect his order for marriage.
    I ran away from home at 19. Started working full-time and now I am 28 years old. It took me a long time to learn my social skills and not have any of his emotional attributes like anger, lack of empathy. Now I am suffering from depression, insomnia, and I have a very high Machiavellianism with a high-risking Type A personality. Everything I done in my life, I can fairly say I did by myself, with a little help from my mom.
    I recently moved back to my parents home to take care of my mother (breast cancer). My father is still in my face about putting me down about how much I am a failure at life, even though I am financially secure but no college degree, yet.
    I have been frequent images of killing my father. It got to the point where the consequences just don't matter to me now. I want to do right by my mother but honestly I can not stand my father.
    Basically, I wanted to ask is it wrong that I hate him or am I really fucked up?
  2. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    I saw this earlier and wasn't sure how to reply, so I left it, hoping someone else would reply first and give me some direction, as I don't want to say the wrong thing.... I hate my own father, so perhaps I am biased, but basically I don't think it's wrong to hate your father, especially in your case. He's given you plenty to hate him for.

    It might benefit you to talk about this with someone, perhaps you could look into counselling? You shouldn't have to deal with all this alone, and it would help you look forward in your life and live free of him. You deserve that.

  3. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    When you carry hate for another, its you that carrys it, not the other person.
    That does not mean that its time to forget the damage done, but what it does mean is that it maybe time to forgive.
    I do not hate my father for what he did, i cant and wont hold that emotion anymore.
    I did for too long, and it nearly killed me.
    So, forgive him and forgive yourself, turn the new page, the old ink will bleed through, so keep turning.
    Hate will never let you move on, hate is destructive, hate is a terribly high price to pay.
    Only you can decide to let go and fill your heart with love, for yourself and others.
    When you do......rewards endless, that, i promise you.
    To give is to heal.
    I so wish you well.
  4. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    I used to hate my parents, I hated my brother, I had a very crappy childhood, but the older I get the more I forgive them, regardless your parents probably did the best they could

    I really regret the things I said to my parents
  5. Zueri

    Zueri Well-Known Member

    Hate is a feeling. Feelings are never wrong, and you never have to justify them...although in this case, you certainly have.

    Seems like he has a big ass ego and a plethora of insecurities. By messing with you, he gains confidence. Glad to hear you got away from him, and I'm sorry you have to deal with him again now...

    Just don't get violent with him. Better get far, far away again. From your story, it's evident that you basically started from scratch and went through school, etc. That's incredibly impressive. Don't let your father ruin all that by getting him to anger you to the point where you'd do something illegal to him. :(

    My thoughts are with you, big time. I'm in a similar boat.
  6. the_only_one

    the_only_one Well-Known Member

    im not trying to rub anything in, but i love my father, he is amazing, but i dont feel tat its wrong to hate him. he put you through hell. if i was in your shoes id hate him to. its perfectly normal
  7. gakky1

    gakky1 Well-Known Member

    Don't think you're wrong either, many people hate their father, just because he's a parent doesn't mean you can't feel the way you do. Hate mine so much too,:mad: haven't seen him for over 20 years so he isn't in my mind too often. Easy to say but not do but try not to let your relationship with him keep dragging you down, now you're taking care of your mother and have to see him so it's not easy, plus those thoughts of wanting to see him dead(sometimes) are not a good thing, I've had them too but no longer. Think thoughts like that bring you and your mood that much lower plus it could affect the way you act around others.:unsure: Sorry no great solutions but we all know how difficult it can be, try a few things suggested from all of us and let us know if anything improves then, hopefully it won't get worse.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2011
  8. wOOt99

    wOOt99 Active Member

    Because of him and 'his parenting,' I grew up dependent only on myself and mistrustful of others. He is also the reason why I don't wanna pass on my genes. The brooding anger I feel is from his genes and I honestly don't want my kids to go through what I have gone through.
  9. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I don't think how you feel is wrong...sounds justified to me
    your father seems to have a lot of problems that need addressing...
    well done for looking after yourself and getting so far under so much pressure..
    Don't let him bring you down by provoking you...he's not worth it..
  10. I am telling you right now.. you are not alone threadstarter.. My father is exactly like your father and i hated him like hell all the way to the core.. I am Asian Chinese.. If i didn't do well, he said i am stupid and a failure.. If i do well, he said i am just being lucky.. and no other nice compliments..

    Negative remarks and discouragements = plentiful
    Positive encouragements and compliments = NOT applicable..

    My latest achievement is my marathon medals and guess what my father said when i got the finisher medals back home.. He said i took my friends medals to show him and my finisher certificates are printed from the print shop in town.. Damn it.. I wish i can just <<Censored>> him in bed one fine day.. Very pissed off with him and yes, i agree, you have all the right to hate your father..
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 10, 2011
  11. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Okay, well interesting responses, but i continue to state what i first made in my initial post in this thread.
    Lets see, the poster has hate, anger, rejection, sadness and maybe more negative emotions, the father, disappointment, anger and many more negative emotions, ones i wont even try to second guess.
    So, ouch and the truth hurts, take it from me, im a Dad and a man.
    Many men display anger when they are depressed, many men display control when they are depressed and many men display control when they are depressed. Women too, but i think we have the edge comfortably.............
    So, put the father and the poster together with no positive thoughts whatsoever and i fail to see how resolution and contentment can occur.
    Have you ever considered that perhaps your father is just continuing a cycle, and parenting the only way he knows how? That his childhood was full of the same as you are now having to deal with?
    Now, here is the thing..................... for some reason us crazy human beings naturally expect others to think the same as we do ! Thing is they dont................
    I think your father is depressed, lots of self loathing and probably deep down quite jealous of your achievements.
    Take the higher ground.............. Love yourself for it and love him for being your Dad.
    If you are kind to others and yourself and leave the bad emotions behind, what more can you possibly do?
    If he chooses to ignore and reject your love, at least you can hold your own heart in the knowledge you have been kind and loving.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 10, 2011
  12. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I use to hate my father, cause well hes a piece of shit, but now I just pity him and his life and am sorry that hes my father, cause well anyone can be a father, but not everyone can be a daddy.

    Make yourself as sucessful as you can and to me thats the worst revenge you can have on persons like your father.
  13. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    :unsure: another bad emotion.................... revenge.
  14. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    well said, pete! forgive your dads behavior for YOURSELF, OP. harboring resentment and anger is how the cycle begins. if your father is mistreating you either stay away from him or be like "okay okay, dad. love you too **hug**." Just let it go out one in and out the other. it's hard to do when youre not sure of yourself either, but try surrounding yourself with good-natured people and le their positivity rub off on you. this way what your father says wont mean as much cos youll know the truth. you won't be angry anymore, you will be sympathetic because you'll know that negativity comes from being unhappy. good luck!
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 10, 2011
  15. wOOt99

    wOOt99 Active Member

    I don't know if I will ever forgive him. But I am trying to understand why he acts like he does.

    He came to Canada, with a high school education, assuming it was like his homeland but with more job opportunities. He didn't speak the language and he lack the social skills to make friends, even Asian ones. He tried to go back to school, but found out the teaching method was way more complex than back home.

    *Here is an interesting note* A lot of the Asian schools focus more on memory-based activities, so they drill into your head that 2+2 will always be 4. That is one of the reasons for their general average high marks overall. A lot of the 'westernized' school focus more on theory-based activities; as long as you have a valid reason for your theories you are rarely wrong, but can be refuted. Most professors will never ever give a perfect 100 percent, often grades on a sliding scale.

    So now he is stuck in a dead-end job while I am going back to university for my Bachelor of Business Administration. He was a electrical engineer back in his homeland, and came to the realization that most of his advance courses he took is now being taught in high school.
  16. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    okay guys you took my post the wrong way, I dont mean to harbor resentment or revenge against anyone. Im saying that to make yourself successful in life is the best you can do for yourself!!!! Sometimes no matter what you do people around you will be ignorant and put out ignorant tales of themselves, why should he just suck it up? How will that help him?

    As I agree that hate wont help things, but anger has help me become the person I am today, even after my mom told me she didnt love me, chose drugs and men over us, my father telling me that hes not my father (which would have been better), should I have just sucked it up, and continued to let bash me, bring me down, a person can only take so much.

    This is just my opin, Im easy to ignore.

    OP hope things get better for you and your family.
  17. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    I used to think I hated my father but as time has passed I now think I just misunderstood him.
  18. AnnieOakley

    AnnieOakley Well-Known Member

    I don't think it's wrong, I absolutely hate my mother, she made my life a living hell growing up. I moved out when I was 16, and went off to college, and when I came back, I tried to make things work with her, but, she's just the same old bitch she's always been. I haven't spoken to her in almost a year.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.