Is it wrong?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by TheLoneWolf, Jul 31, 2012.

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  1. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I'm an alcoholic. By choice, mind you. Yes, I have a family history of addiction and depression and mental illness and suicide and alcoholism, blah blah blah. But I went 8 years of my life without drugs or alcohol. I know I can be sober if I want to be.

    But I don't want to be.

    I don't have a single reason for being sober. Not one. Am I slowly killing myself? Yes. But I don't have much to live for anyway. Am I killing brain cells? Yes. But my brain has been nothing but a nuisance to me anyway. Is my body going to hell? Yes. But there's not much point in having a strong, healthy body if I'm not using it for anything special and nobody appreciates it anyway. Is it a waste of money? Yes. But so is the food I buy to keep myself alive. So is the gas I put in my car to drive myself to the job that I need to get the money that I use to buy the shit that I don't really want, but need to keep myself alive just so I can continue to survive and consume and produce waste without purpose. My body is little more than an intricate piece of organic machinery capable of converting oxygen into carbon dioxide, and my mind is little more than a complex organic computer capable of converting information into useless drivel.

    Is it wrong for me to state in the substance abuse section of this website that I have no intentions of getting sober, when everyone else is boasting about how many days they have clean and talking about the horrors of addiction and about how "drugs and alcohol don't solve problems, they only create problems", etc. etc. etc.? Is it really any different for me to say "I choose to be an alcoholic" than it is for some people to come here and say "I'm going to commit suicide"? Isn't it really more or less the same thing?

    I'm an alcoholic because I have no reason not to be. I challenge anyone here to convince me otherwise.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am sure I cannot convince you otherwise, as no one can, and I do understand the intricacies of parasuicide, but it seems your talents have also been compromised in doing what you are are a gifted poet (still and we can agree to disagree) and I am sure there are others which you cannot promote nor can you enjoy as you are...just my opinion but thought I would mention this...thanks for all of your insights...I know that I have benefited from them
  3. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Sadeyes... I am thankful for your reply. I appreciate that you think I am gifted and that others have somehow benefitted from me. I hope that really is true. Though I hope you understand that I am very skeptical of the idea that my existence has somehow added anything meaningful to the human experience.

    I was born to parents who didn't really give a shit about me. They divorced when I was 7 years old because my mom was bored and cheating on my dad. She married the man she was so enthralled with, who turned out to be the devil in human flesh. That man tortured my sister and I for years. On top of that, I was bullied by most of the people at my school... I was too ugly, too nerdy, too poor, too weird... I've never been good enough for anything or anyone. When CPS (Child Protective Services) were finally alerted to the abuse that my sister and I were going through at the hands of my stepfather, we were sent to live with my father. My father is not a bad man, but he's not the most loving man, either. Nobody loved us enough to help us heal. So we both turned to drugs and alcohol.

    Fast forward 15-20 years or so. I married a woman I wasn't in love with because I was sad and lonely and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life alone. My sister still lives at home, can't hold a job, and can't manage to maintain a healthy relationship. We're both fucked. Neither one of us will ever be happy. I may appear to be more successful than her on the surface, because I am married, have a good job and own a home, but the fact is that I will probably end up committing suicide. And my little sister probably won't fare much better. Our lives are ruined. Worst of all, we've grown apart over the years. We're the only ones who understand what the other one has gone through... we shared the same prison cell for so many years. And yet she is now a stranger to me.

    I have no friends. I have no one I can call family. I have nothing left except for an empty life. Inevitably, I will die alone and unloved, and my passing will be mourned by no one. My parents should have done me and the entire world a favor by using birth control.
  4. Syn

    Syn Well-Known Member

    Are you slowly killing yourself? Yeah. Why would you not want to? If you eventually do find what your looking for then you'll have less time to enjoy it. I mean, is the alcohol worth the time you could lose? You could potentially have a reason not to be, but I'm sure none of us will convince you. When it comes to addiction, you have to make the descisions yourself.
  5. Finance

    Finance Well-Known Member

    I'm doing the same thing, without the alcohol. Heavy presriptions, plus other and no intent to stop. Slow suicide because I'm a coward.

    Do you know anyone who will be remembered 100 years from now. I don't.

    Everyone I know is meaningless, certainly me at the top of the list.

    Hoping the combination of everything I'm doing will take many years off my life.

    You sound fine to me.
  6. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    You're right, and I hope I find what I want before I do any permanent damage. However, I am fairly convinced that I will never be happy, based on my life experiences thus far. I could be wrong... and believe me, if I ever find my life worth living, I will pour all of my booze down the drain. I gave up all drugs and alcohol when I moved in with my wife, because I thought I loved her and I thought we were going to be happy together. It didn't exactly pan out like that. But if some day I find myself in a position where I think I may actually live happily ever after, then I'll have no problem kicking the habit once again.

    Ehh, I could commit fast suicide too if I really wanted to. I've thought about it. Come very close to doing it. But for some reason I usually have second thoughts at the last minute. I don't know if it's fear of dying or a secret desire to live, or maybe a little bit of both. That's why I hesitate to say that I'm going to commit suicide... I can say that I'm feeling suicidal, I can say that I may end up committing suicide, but I can't say for sure whether I will or not.

    Do I personally know anyone who will be remembered 100 years from now? Nope. I know I won't be. I'm not even sure that I would want to be. I'd rather surround myself with people who care about me in life than be highly regarded in death. I guess that's why I drink. Because I'm not surrounded by people who care about me. I'm surrounded by people who don't give a shit about me. Well actually, I spend most of my day surrounded by 4 walls that don't give a shit about me. Same difference. There's not much difference between being surrounded by people who mean nothing to you and being all alone.

    Let me state for the record, because sometimes people take my posts personally, I am not talking about anyone here. There are people here that I do very much like and care about. But it's not the same as being there with somebody. In my daily life, I am pretty much all alone.
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Just don't fool around with your gun when you get drunk Lone Wolf. That would be a recipe for disaster. I relinquished my right to get drunk when I decided to be a gun owner. I think that you and your sister should try reconnecting. Maybe invite her over for dinner with you and your wife sometime?

    If you want to be an alocoholic, then you have every right to be one. One of my uncles is a life long alcoholic and his liver is still functional. Most of my relatives have nothing to do with him though.
  8. anonymousihs

    anonymousihs Active Member

    I get what you're saying. I'm not really an alcoholic but I love drinking and getting wasted (though I feel awful most of my drunken state) because it helps me forget my misery. It makes me happy. I don't care what it's doing to my body and I don't ever think about it. Maybe I don't even need to till I'm 30 something and want to have kids or something. I also smoke sometimes when I feel super rebellious. But did you see that commercial with the woman putting on her hair and stuff and needing that thing on her neck that helps her speak? Ever since I saw that it bothers me about smoking.
    Btw, I know you think your body sucks but I've known people who were depressed and hated their bodies but they weren't really that bad. But of course I'm not going to try convince you otherwise.
  9. champie

    champie Well-Known Member

    I don't expect anything in my life to change in a satisfying way until I choose to stop wanting/trying to kill myself. There's a saying, "Dress for the role."
  10. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Wow, didn't realize you guys had resurrected my old thread here...

    Dave, I'd reply to your post, but my reply would probably be inappropriate for the site, and seeing as how you've been banned anyway...

    anonymous, I smoked for 15 years. Bad habit. So is drinking, but at least drinking gets you drunk. Can't say I ever got drunk or high off of cigarettes. Waste of money. And my body isn't half bad looking. It's not as good as it once was, but it's still better than a lot of people's bodies. The insides are probably a little worse for wear now, though.

    champie, I get what you're saying... I don't expect my life to change until I'm ready to take a risk, and trust me it's going to be a huge risk... what scares me most about it is that if things don't work out the way I want them to, I probably will end up killing myself. So I am understandably a little hesitant to take that risk just yet.
  11. champie

    champie Well-Known Member

    LoneWolf, yeah, I agree with your sentiment about taking the risk and coming up short. I feel the same way and have been thinking about what I wrote in this thread last night. It seems that I'm living in a fantasy world when I try to imagine, or "dress for the role." Reality is a far more unforgiving place than my imagined safe place of positivity. In addition to the things you know and try to prepare for, you have to be ready for all sorts of unpredictable assaults on your well being. The risk is huge and the reward seems meager at best.

    I tried to quit smoking the last 24 hours, but now I am not so sure it matters...

    Sorry for the thread resurrection, but I read this thread several times and I was compelled to try to get a conversation going around it.
  12. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Hey, I've been living in a fantasy world since the 80s, lol. I've experienced maybe a few moments of true happiness in all those years... mixed in with some excitement, both good and bad, and a whole lot of pain and emptiness. I've always relied on an overactive imagination as a means of escape from my harsh reality. Sometimes that means daydreaming. Sometimes that means sleeping and having actual dreams. Sometimes it's video games, or the internet, or pornography, or drugs and alcohol. Anything that will allow me to imagine being somewhere else, doing something else... to pretend that my life has meaning. My reality, though, is generally confined to the same four walls, the same commute, the same routines, the same mundane existence day after day. Could I shake things up by taking a chance to do something crazy with my life, to try to make my dreams a reality? Sure I could. And I could end up homeless, in jail or in the hospital as a result. My heart longs for love, joy, excitement, action... but my brain is hardwired to seek comfort and survival, to take the path of least resistance and to avoid taking risks that could have negative consequences. Hence why I essentially imprisoned myself in a "safe" lifestyle. But how "safe" is it, really? Not only do I regularly have suicidal urges, but I'm also drinking myself to death. At some point the scales are going to have to tip in the other direction, and my so-called "safe" lifestyle is going to become a greater threat to my well being than "living on the edge" would. I suppose when that day comes, I will be forced to make a choice, essentially between life and death. I hope I choose life. But there's always the possibility that I would defer to the alternative, if only because death seems safer and more comfortable.
  13. Jack Rabbit

    Jack Rabbit Well-Known Member

    Just to get the terminology straight. You do not have a choice about being an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a biochemical response to alcohol.
    You do have a choice about being a drunk. Just don't dress it up in fancy words.
    Just, please, don't drink and drive.
    Many depressives self medicate - often with alcohol. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. One thing alcohol does, though, is it wrecks judgment. It does that long before it screws up physical responses. That's why drunk driving is such a big problem.
    Just seems to me that an artificially induced lack of judgment is a bad combination with suicidal ideation.
    The one thing about suicide that I am clear on, is that if I do suicide, it has to be my choice, my conscious decision. Which means, I guess, that I need to be sober.
  14. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I've always insisted that I'm a self medicator. But then I've always been told that alcoholism runs in my family, and during my stint in rehab, I was forced to admit to being an alcoholic, even though I believed I was a "drunk".

    I don't drink and drive, okay? Jesus fucking christ, is that all anybody is going to do here is judge me and think the worst of me? For fuck's sakes, this is supposed to be a goddamn support forum, but all you fucking people seem to want to do is drag me down even further.

    Believe me, I am just as fucking suicidal when I'm sober. Moreso, in fact. But when I go, I want to go drunk.
  15. Jack Rabbit

    Jack Rabbit Well-Known Member

    No judgment. Just trying to get things straight.
    Now that I think of it, judgment has multiple meanings. So...

    No judgment in the sense of expressing some sort of moral superiority.
    Always judgment in the sense of trying reason things out.

    My only question about alcohol use is a tactical one (and grammatical). And I see we disagree on that. So what? I'm the last - or one of the last - people to try to talk you into staying alive when you don't want to. All I could possibly do is tell you what worked for me - what gave me some sort of a desire to stay alive. If it might help you - if you think having a reason to stay alive would be a help - or even if you want to tentatively explore the possibility that there might be such a reason, then I'm in.
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